Can't stop writing her...

  I'm torn between saying I love you and I don't want anything to do with you...  I've been saying "I love you" for 5 years and never once did I regret the decision it led me to.  It created this family.  I don't want anything to do with you, is something I've said once or twice in really heated arguments.  However, in no way did this reflect on my deep feelings.  At the time, it just felt like I needed some space.  She would say things that would cripple me and I would say that and want to run.

  Saying "I love you" is all I want to say to her now.  Before bed, before I leave a room, before I hang up the phone...  I can feel it burning in my stomach and almost forcing it into words.  But they don't come out anymore.  Not something I like admitting...  Not because I can't...  but because I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I will lose a person I considered my best-friend.  Someone who I knew all too well and someone who knows me all too well.  Someone who I adored and loved, everyday of my life with her.  Saying "I love you Kendall" is all I want to say.  Without regret.  Without remorse that I said it... or the idea that she thinks I'm a coward for saying it.  I'm not a man in her eyes, because I'm not a man right now...  I'm a boy, without my wife.

  She's with the children right now at Nana's.  She was supposed to drive back today, but because of the weather may end up staying another day.  Which means, I won't get to see the children tomorrow.  I leave on Tuesday and Kendall knows that, at least the little bit I told her.  I didn't tell her for how long or to where, because it's not really any of her business.  But, also because I want her to dig information out of me.  She's been doing that lately, actually...  not all the time, but once in a while she'll pry and ask questions about me and mine.  I just wish she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loves me.  That I am the one that can make her happy and that she would give me another chance again.

  Sure... it's probably a fantasy...  but it's better than hell right now.

  I miss the kids.  I really miss the kids.  This is the longest they have ever been without me, that they can remember...  and I really just miss their presence.  I wonder if they miss me too?  Do they need me in their lives?