I made arrangements about a week ago, to get out of here for a bit. For how long, I am unsure about... I'm going to take a lot of well needed time away, so that I can somehow (and I really don't know how) fall out of love with Kendall. <---It's probably the most disgusting sentence I've ever written. Making myself fall out of love with a person who has meant the world to me. I just know that I think about her all the time. I still yearn for her love... and I'm never going to get it again. It shatters me to see the look in her eyes anymore and to hear the things she says out of her mouth. It kills my soul. It pushes me further down into my own personal hell. To have to relive something that I have feared for a long time...
She'll never come back to me, despite where and how I change. I need to do it anyways and try to pick my broken life up off the floor. I lost her. If only she could see, without being blinded by the love of another. See the changes I have made within me... how devoted I was to her and how I adored her and everything she did. While, I argued and said a lot of hurtful things in the very end, I can't help that most of it was all due to the fact of what was going on around me. What Nana had said to Kendall and eventually what she had said to me. What Will's involvement and whatnot, had done to me. It scared me, even on the first day of the new year. Hearing this secret she would have kept from me... Seeing messages from him that said he "missed her". I might never have over-reacted if things were done differently or didn't end the way they did.
Will is my replacement. He's better than I could ever be... of course I lost. But he'll never look at Kendall with the admiration that I have in my heart and eyes for Kendall. Seeing her give birth to my children, provide unconditionally for her family and the love that was really there between us. He'll never see that in her. I will... He'll never understand her and the issues she has come across in her life. I do... her and I are too much alike in that respect. Our pasts are very similar. We've gone through some hard shit in our pasts... and I understand her because of that. He won't or can't.
I miss her. Everything about her too... dumb stuff. Stuff not worth mentioning. Even little things like her voice, which sings like an angel, even when she's putting me down... I'm still excited to listen to her voice. Sometimes, I wish she would sing a bedtime song just to put the loving tears in my eyes. To give me a little of the amazing woman she was. Even something as little and simple as that. She never saw it, but she was my friend. My best friend... knowing everything there is to know about me. Doing everything with me in our life... confiding in her, the biggest secrets of my life and who I am. In the end, there is no friendship. There is nothing but alone.
What have I done?
Why wasn't I told?
Why wasn't I given the chance to change this?
3 things that run through my head constantly... and nothing gets rid of those questions. Not alcohol or pot... Not spending time with friends... not the answers she gives me. I don't think they will ever get answered.
~John
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