Since Kendall and I got together... our life has been about each other and our family. Even despite our struggles, it's always been about us and the kids. It's always the frame of mind we've had for one another. Yes... Kendall worked a majority of our relationship... but then again, I did too.
I was the Mrs. she was the Mr. She worked most of the time, 9-5 job. When we moved to Baltimore, it doubled. I stayed with the kids 9-5. And when we moved to Baltimore, it doubled. What was required out of her... was required out of me. I just didn't get paid. I didn't earn and contribute money, like she was able to do. And even if I did, I couldn't do what she did. She sold, RS (Rosetta Stone)... She worked at a Kiosk all day and sold this product to people. She was very good at it, in my opinion, but I knew that it didn't take much to do, considering I had worked for RS too once. While policies may have changed and the extra responsibilities that followed being a manager, I still know that a majority of the time was spent in a seat.
I'm not downing Kendall... I do believe she worked very hard to put food on the table. But, I constantly feel like I wasn't given the gratitude I at least deserved, sacrificing my time and life, to keep our family together. I communicated and talked and I listened.
Then all this happened. A surprise from left field and something I truly wouldn't have believed.
Now, I've been hearing all these things lately, that have just blown my mind. Words and things that she has said to me, that make me very confused on what to believe. In all honesty, she's living in one hell of a fantasy world. Putting me down with everything she can and adding side comments that are only further testing my patience of what I can and cannot deal with any longer. Let me elaborate.
Today on the phone, Kendall said Will is "The Perfect Guy". And I'm "Her babies-daddy." After 5 years of tough work and what I thought was "love"... that's what I've been reduced to, in less than 2 months. 5 YEARS... and in 2 months, that's what I've become. And it doesn't just end there. She'll tell me things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "You don't have to give up loving me or stop trying". And while I know Kendall enough to say that to some degree, I can understand what's she's trying to say or being realistic about some things... it's plain confusing in the long run. She tells me things like this and then flips the record and says things like: "You're a failure"... "You're not good enough"... "You're whiny and annoying".
Hello?!? I'm ME. I'm like this way, because you took everything out of my life, to fulfill your fantasy world. You're envision of a new man, new life, new hopes and dreams... it's all a selfish act and WITH MY KIDS! WTF!? I believed you when you told me you loved me, but you weren't meaning it. You were saying it, until you could get to the point where you could say it to someone better than me. And when things got hard... you made that leap. Jumped ship. You made me believe in something that wasn't there... but you wanted so much to be there, that you instilled it in me. And now, here I am. The product of your lies over the years, professing the truth out of my soul on closed cold ears.
How does someone who claimed they loved you... act like that? Confusing and cold... an odd mixture of the two. She claims that she wants to make space and when I actually start giving her that, she fills it with small talk or awaiting me to respond. And me, being the compassionate, listening, understanding man that I can and most of the time, is... I reply. I think that maybe things will change and she'll see the real me again. This beautiful, genuine man... who loves her to the ends of the earth and would fulfill her needs, if she only said them aloud. Instead, I hear things I just don't want or need to hear. Sometimes, I ask questions that get me to hear the things I don't want to hear.
*Sigh* What does a man do?
Lately, I've been trying to concentrate my mind on the kids. Looking forward to seeing them again. Looking forward to spending time with them on Monday and trying to find a solution as to how I can remain an influential person in their lives. How, I can ensure that they aren't mislead into thinking that this new man in their lives, isn't their father. He's just there, because mommy wants him to be. In the long run, I doubt Will has ANY clue on how to act like a father... and soon, he'll start to see it.
I dunno. I pray that she is happy with him. I just hate, how she's hating me. I hate that, all I hear is how much of a failure I was. Even someone you DID love... you just don't talk like that. Damnit.
~John
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