The Kids...

  I've been trying to occupy my mind from 2 very big thoughts.

  How much I miss the children...
  How much I miss Kendall.

  I sent the kids to Nana Hunters, whom while has a few good reasons to not like me...  is the kids family.  Wonderful family, despite her feelings against me.  She's a "Great" great-grandmother and the kids are very lucky to have someone like her.  So am I, in a sense.  I'm still thankful for her...

  I've been having more chest pains.  It's even waking me up at night.  Which causes me to lay awake for 20 or 30 more minutes thinking about Kendall.  Missing her, as I glace at the black space next to me.  I had an attack when Kendall was here, but a lot of that was also due to dealing with grandmom and the way I was backed into a corner with visitation with Lori again.  Which is sorta a shame, considering I'm at a level that I can tolerate grandmom in Lori's life.  Just weary, because of the past.

  Including that, I sent them because, I cannot handle being around Kendall.  I start talking about our past... which is obviously just that to her.  Never again in her eyes, all I see is coldness and hear the painful truth.  Hear about how I failed.  How it's all my fault... and I'm not a man...  she's said it all to me.  And all I could do was cry and plead, that I would change.  And for her, I would.  In a heartbeat.  She's the greatest thing in my life and I wasn't ready to let go.  While, we both grew tired and angry with one another... I wasn't ready to quit.  Just to get away for a bit.  Time to think.  Sometimes, I'm still not ready to quit... but want to prove with every ounce of my soul, that I love her and would do anything to make her happy.  I need to stop...  I don't want to... but I need to.  She's done with me.  I did fail... and it's the biggest mistake in my life.

  I also can't hide my feelings from the kids.  And I've realized that, I might be giving them a negative vibe, for them having to see their father cry and miss their mother.  They are starting to see it and point it out... and while I don't feel showing them true emotion is wrong... I honestly don't want the kids to see me this way.

  Yeah, I realized I rambled.  I need to get it out.  I need to rant and I doubt ANYONE I know reads this... so here's the place to do it.