I tried to give it some time before I wrote about something else. I don't want each entry filled with the arguements that still continue on between Kendall and I, or how I truly love her and miss her to consume the point of this journal. While, those factors most certainly play a role... I don't need to remind anyone or even myself about how I feel. It's more or less a timeline for me to one day look back on and realize how all this came about.
As time goes on, especially during the realization phase of knowing she is gone. I start to question exactly what it was that caused this. Not the specific action, or time when enough was enough... but the birth of the thought. I used to think it was all because of me. Partly because, I let the person I loved, bash me with all of her hurt and anger. I listened and let the words destroy me to my core... and after some of the things Kendall has said to me, I've just been questioning, who the hell she is anymore. While I am upset, hurt and probably a little lost within all of this, my negativity towards Kendall has been almost nil. I got mad one night, after an argument happened, and said some things that I DO believe, but just shouldn't have said. "Selfish" being one of them.
Let me explain, just so theirs no confusion.
Not selfish in the form of money, but in the carelessness of a person she claimed she loved. In the round-about way that this entire situation came about... and selfish in the sense that all of the blame and woes are laid directly and ONLY on me. I am the blame for us not doing better. I am the blame for our money woes. I am to blame for her position at her job. I am to blame for not loving her enough or being domineering or just being me. I am to blame for asking if I could work, when I was just supposed to KNOW to just do it. I am to blame for her falling out of love with me and all of the fights we had. I am to blame for not spending enough time with her... and I am to blame for how her family feels about me.
I'm not ever given the credit, I do honestly deserve. The fact that while she did work... I worked too. Except I didn't get paid. That I sacrificed my time, my abilities to work and my energy. I worked at times and wanted more, but with promises of things getting better and our lives changing, I was often told not to work. I know there was more I could have done, but even still. All Kendall had to do was talk to me. I'm a very understanding man about all of this. ALL of this, even the involvement with Will and what she needs out of a man. But, none of this was communicated to me. I was blindsided, almost within the very first day of all of this happening.
But really, what is wrong with me? Have I not done what was asked to the best of my abilities? And really, what is wrong with me?
A sensative, reactionary man, who got used to being told what to do. Got used to being yelled at, ignored and made to feel stupid. Even now, I am still getting those things from her. I have flaws. I'm only human. I'm emotional in the sense that I express my emotions. Not all... while I can get loud and angry, I can control it. I can react outwardly, but it's not as if I have ever struck Kendall or physically abused her or the children based on a fight. While my children get a smack on the butt once in a while, a tap on the mouth, or similar punishments... I don't take out my frustrations or anger out on any them, or Kendall. The most I have done in that regard, might be to shout or be a little snippy.
I've changed a lot. A lot for the better, but I am still a work in progress. I've been setting realistic goals for myself, though it's hard to concentrate on anything other than the situation. I want to be responsible for my kids, while I help them prepare for school and STAY a part of their daily lives. I love them and I always want to be near them, influencing their lives. It's my privledge to watch them grow up and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Out of all the things Kendall spoiled me with, my children are the best gift of all.
I have been trying to be an adult about all of this and to prepare for the choices I have to make in their lives. Kendall hasn't been making that easy. I wanted the children to live with me and goto school with daddy. Kendall has other plans. She says I am not "losing" the children, but when I suggested that they live with me and I take care of them, that she was losing them. Almost instantly confirming, that indeed I would be losing my kids. Her and I made a written agreement, but already she has been trying to cover my eyes, by using it as her excuse and know-all document, instead of exactly what it is... an agreement between her and I. She waves it in front of me, using words like "Primary Custody"... which just isn't fair.
I'm scared. I'm hurt unbelievably, but also scared. While I'm flawed and I'm sure her family sees them all and points them out constantly... I'm left to stand here alone defenseless. It really does hurt. By people I thought I trusted to even act somewhat adult like about this. But namecalling, ignorance and lies are being pushed around as I am being replaced by "The White Knight".
I hope Kendall never reads this. And if you do... I love you, but why did you have to hurt me this way?
~John
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