Finally over...

  No... not what you think.  I just spent Valentine's Day for the first time, alone.  I've had this depressing feeling in my gut all day, when I know that they only thing I could have wanted in this world today, is celebrating it with someone else.  I still love Kendall.  I still find everything she does, simply amazing.

Pathetic as it sounds, I've been reading old letters.  Ones where her and I have stepped over our lines and did things we never should have done.  But also, how we would apologize and talk to one another about our feelings and problems.  We've gotten into some heated arguments and had a lot of trouble with our relationship over the years, but I still honestly, never saw this coming.  It kills my soul to believe that she meant forever.  Her begging for forgiveness and promising me that she would never give up on me.  And after months of issue and arguing, that it would end this way.

I saw her tonight on the webcam, sitting next to Will.  What a way to make the day tougher on me.  Not only am I made to live this day about Love, alone... but staring at the person she now loves and loves her back.  And then to see the reactions out of the kids.  I wanted to cry standing up...  but I have gotten used to having to hold it in.  All I could do was wonder how the hell I got here and when I would wake up from this nightmare of being without the only person I truly love.

I don't know what I am supposed to feel.  Or how I am supposed to react to all of this.  This deepening pain of being without the woman whom I adore.  She drives me wild, what can I say.  But, not hearing I love you anymore or that I am her "soulmate" so  I can rebut it, is killing me.  Kendall, if you only asked, I would have given you the world.  I watched you give birth to my children... I've held your hand through the toughest of our times and I've never loved you any less... not one single day.

If I ever had a chance to win back your heart.  To earn the love I crave from your sensational soul... it would be an honor to try.  How I am lost without you...  How I wish I was able to change as a man, faster...  How I wish you would realize how much you need me.  I need to hear, that you need me.  Even if it's fake.

Happy Valentine's Day baby...  I miss you.