I thought that the last time I would see the kids would have been last Monday. I took them to the park and tried to make the visit short, because of how I have been reacting to Kendall. I'm sure to her my behavior is annoying. She feels that everything is so perfect for her. Her new life without me, is going to be perfect. Will is perfect, which erases me out of the picture. I'm not perfect. I'm flawed. But, still in love with Kendall. Still head over heals for that woman, who walks into my door like a beauty goddess and lightens my life up, at the same time as killing my soul. I want to hold her and hug her and take advantage of the time I get with her again... but, I also want to run away and cry, knowing I can never earn back her love for me.
And all the while, I keep the hope that drives me. She will see someone new in me and fall in love with me again one day. I don't want anyone else... I don't. I want friends and companions. But, I want back my wife. My love... the woman who gave me my beautiful children. I want her to understand how big she was to me in my life.
Time will tell I guess. I put in 5 years, it's been not even 3 months. It's going to take time, but one day... Something will bring Kendall back into my world. And I will patiently wait, like I promised. I might date... I might have a girlfriend, but I doubt I'll let myself get anymore serious than I have with Kendall.
Anyways, before I get off topic. I had only planned on seeing them last week. I called them once or twice during the week and that's when Kendall dropped it on me. She is working on Monday/Tuesday, basically can I take the kids. So, I extend myself, praying that I don't have to. Not for the children sakes, or by their cause... but to keep that distance that I need to keep from her, in order to get to a point where I am comfortably control myself. She almost put me in a position, that I couldn't say no. Citing "John, their your children".
She was supposed to let me know and never did. Until the morning of. And she happened to catch me in a very odd mood the next morning. Woke me up, had a pain in the butt (among other things)... almost immediately took my boner to a hot bath and talked to Kendall on the phone. I asked her for a sexual favor. Man did that strike a nerve! I don't think that I meant it the way it came out. I honestly was just hoping for a picture or a video, considering I deleted mine off my phone. I don't think I was thinking properly and I'm pretty sure I offended her. I didn't mean to. Or I should say I wasn't thinking straight. It came out, I was being over-honest and geez... I think I am paying for it.
Nevertheless, despite the fact that she gave me almost last minute notice, I ended up taking them for one night. And she guilted me into it too. Citing again... "John... they are your children..." Almost forcing a meeting between us.I really didn't want to. We tiffed some and she called me selfish. Man did that piss me off. I hung up the phone, I sent her a text... telling her that I thought it was messed up that she would call me that and told her to find someone else. After mulling it over all day, I apologized for my "sexual favor" remark... and offered my hand again. I did not want to see her... I mean, I do... but, I didn't. And she forced it onto me.
I had an awesome time with the kids. I really did miss them. We didn't do anything out of the norm, but it was really nice having them here. The only downside to having them here is two things. 1... They had to leave... and 2... They smell like Kendall. The smell that drives me wild. The one I was lucky enough to wake up every single day and smell on her scent. For it to swarm me in the way that it did... to remind me of lovely and death at the same time. Dorian came with her... which I know why, but don't need to say. And today when she picked the kids up, CJ came with her. It was weird at first... probably, because he's never seen her and I react this way to one another. I shook his hand and just tried to be nice, but also wanted my space which she still seemed to consume as much of it as she could. And still... after helping her while she was stuck in a tight situation... I still never got a thank you.
I guess I should be used to it. She always had a hard time saying it to me before. Why should it be any different now. I guess she believes, that she's doing me a favor by allowing me to see the kids or to drop them off. I guess that's what I get for being the guy she felt she had to "settle" for. I just wish for 10 minutes, she could feel what I feel... see what I see and live, how I've lived... To wait on her hand and foot, love her, accept her faults and to fight until the bitter end. I guess wish she could see... but she's too blind now.
Perhaps another time.
~John
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