Now, I'm 30.

  Nothing new but the age.  Still wrestling with the thoughts in my head.  None of which are bad or malicious.  Mostly, just how I miss Kendall.  How, I still can't imagine my life without her, or trying to do this alone and remembering the voices of my kids who I miss very much.  The last couple of times on the phone with them hasn't been easy.  A few nights ago, the girls called me...  I answered, knowing it was Kylie right away.  She said, "Hi Daddy" which drew the biggest smile on my face.  I answered back and started to talk.  She strayed from the conversation in which I could hear Kendall say "Talk to daddy"...  Kylie answered "Ok Will."  2 more times, she called me Will.  She said "Love you Will" and I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  My daughter...  my flesh and blood, calling me Will, this new daddy.  I started to cry and couldn't even maintain my voice over the phone to talk to Lori.  I did the only thing I could do.  I hung up.

I cried for about 30 minutes...  remembering EVERYTHING I've had to go through lately and now hearing this.  I always thought my kids would know me.  That they would know who their father is, just as I knew who mine was...  but already, 4 months gone and Kylie can't even remember.  It's heartbreaking...  I know it's not her fault, but how else can I deal with this?

It happened again last night.  She mistakenly called me Will.  Again, it drew tears... but I didn't lose it until I got off the phone.  Sarah was there to hold me this time in which I couldn't even speak.  Just cry.  I couldn't even breathe...

I never thought that being a father, I'd have to endure these feelings...  that I would only be jealous of the person I love deeply.  But, now, I'm jealous for my kids and envious of the new man they call daddy.  I know somewhere inside of me, this just isn't right.  That despite my wrongs, I never did anything to have to live through this.  Forced, to literally give up everything I love and watch it walk away from me.  It kills my soul.  It literally kills my soul.

Despite the pains of my birthday...  the nightclub was good.  The party was better and Sarah spend my birthday with me, baked me a cake and held me when I needed it... all on a day I had hoped would be spent with my children.  And still, with all these great things around me...  I only wanted 1 thing for my birthday.  Kendall.

Kendall to tell me she loves me.  Misses me and wants to make a family with me again.  That she believes in me and knows that I'm a good man who would do anything for her.  To remember all of the great times her and I shared and that the only reason her and I got through our hardest times, were because we had each other.

This year, I'm probably not going to get that present.  Maybe next year.

~John