Some thoughts before bed...

  It's coming up on 6:15am, soon.  I haven't slept.  I know it seems ridiculous, but...  I just can't get Kendall out of my mind.  I still love her...  with every ounce within me.  Even though realization has been kicking in, of what she's done to me, us and the kids... with this leap...  I still love her.  I still want to love her.  I want to win her back, if only I knew where I could begin.  She's been my whole world... and in a lot of ways, she's right.  She's right about her not being able to depend on me.  And not that it's an excuse... but things had been changing.  She was rarely home, so of course she didn't see it...

  I think about this situation and how I'm supposed to and allowed to react.  A lot of people say, I have a right to be mad.  That I'm being too considerate and kind about all of this.  They're probably right.  But, this involves the woman who gave me my children...  while, I've hardly held my tongue before... I will now.  I don't want to have to regret things I said.  The things she is saying now... she'll regret one day.  The many times I can count, where she's hurt me, almost intentionally.  Degrading me...  even accusing me of "playing" the victim.  It's true, to some degree that I am a victim within this situation.  My wife surprised me with "I don't love you...  I'm leaving you and keeping the kids...  He's moving in with us...  He's part of my family now..." all within 3 months.

  I don't think I'm playing anything.  I think I am being honest, COMPLETELY honest with myself, my children, Kendall, my friends and anyone from the outside.  Yes, I am seeking an ear...  a perception or opinion...  but, I'm not lying or embellishing anything.  I'm not playing any game.  I'm not trying to win her back, while wishing for it.  I just love her.  I can't control that...  I can NOT say "I love you"... but acting like I don't is impossible.  I will always love Kendall and wish that I can be her husband.  It's a dream I've had for so long.  I'm genuinely sad about all of this.  Afraid, constantly of the next worst thing.  When she'll marry...  will she have his baby...  will she ever come back to me?  If only I could change overnight.  If only I could make her see, how she means the world to me.  How she always has...  I know I failed...  But there are so many things I succeeded in.  I just wish I had my chance to win my family back.  The only thing that truly mattered to me.  To be back in Kendall's arms.

  This is going to be harder than I expected.  Falling out of love.  Believing in so much...  what do I believe in now?

  I miss the kids.  God, do I miss my kids.

~John