I think about them and her every day of my life. But mostly the kids. In everything I do, it brings back some sort of memory with them, to the point where I talk about them to everyone... everywhere. I'm proud to have them. But the last few days have been tough enough to take my mind off of it for a little while.
My aunt Ronnie passed. She was in bad shape the last time I saw her. Bill her husband, had just died. And soon her. I heard more details about it than I'd rather get into, but basically she hadn't been found for a few days and an open wound, became a much bigger one. My cousin Shane found her like this. Her oldest and probably the oldest cousin in the family. Ryan his brother and then me. The were a bit of bullies when we were kids, but grew up to be seemingly alright guys. I don't know if I am being cruel. I'm trying not to think about my
aunt Ronnie's death. I just feel like I have to say that. That, I
can't even begin to think about it. It's there and I know that... I've
known her all my life and loved her though she often fell off the
track. She had a good heart. But, it's very difficult for me to think
about it right now.
On top of that, I've been visiting my mom a lot more lately. My brother has been calling me along with my dad, to ask me to check on her on a normal basis. It's hard to handle, because she's so far beyond saying some of the most cruel and tough things to hear... To all of us. She's frail, shell of a woman I knew as my mom. She's loud and in constant pain. It's hard to listen. She's on a lot of medication and depressed about a lot of things. Not seeing the kids is one of them and I know this, because I hear it once or twice a week. Sometimes I don't want to talk about it, because it helps me keep the tears in... sometimes I vent a little and she's there to take it in, even though our opinions are different. I'm scared. It's a lot to bare right now, on top of so much. My only wish is that I can walk away a better, stronger person. I call her too, to make sure she's alright and ask Shawn or Che-rea or Dad, how she's doing.
Kendall used to tell me that death's come in 3's... and then a birth. I don't know if I believe that superstition... but I'll admit... it has me wondering the truth to it. My aunt, quite possibly my mom, if it keeps going the way it has been. Who else? I dunno. Not jumping to any conclusions, but I just don't know. Kendall could have told me anything and I would have believed it. I don't know if I was just naive... or ... lol, I don't know. I listened to every word she ever said and believed it. She was smarter than me, which I think is a hard thing to do. I mean, I'm still human and don't know everything... duh... but I'd like to think that I am fairly intelligent as an individual. She was good at getting me to believe. And in no way an insult.
So, yeah, I haven't been able to cry about anything the last few days. Even forgot to call the kids, while dealing with things here. I hate not calling them to ask them about their day. Johnathan is constantly saying more. I miss them so much. Not talking to Alora also get upset, when I know what's being done, behind the scenes. Dealing with this stuff with my mom. Maybe I should wait a few days, just to get my feet on the ground.
But right now, I am doing everything I can to proceed to the next step. To get through this funeral on Sunday, take care of my mom and still get through the next month and I think April is literally going to make me or break me. The next 30 days will determine a lot of my future life. Mentally and physically. And I'm sure I'll know by my 31st birthday, what kind of life that will be. Starting with a funeral.
~John
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
The night my life ended.
I'm writing in my journal much more lately than have been over the last year. There's just so much on my mind and sometimes this is the only way I can let it go. I can't tell friends anymore. I'm tired of their responses and getting into debates of what's happened since then. I'm tired of their disapproval. I pretend everything is alright... and honestly, besides dealing with this every day of my life... I am alright. I've come so far. I've surprised myself.
I remember the night well. It was a year and a half ago and I still remember that feeling. My heart racing 1000 miles a minute when you uttered to me, that you love him. That you fell in love with a man you had never met.
I woke up. It was 2 in the morning and I was sleeping with Johnathan in our bed. You weren't there and right away that scared me. In 5 years, I had never woken up that way. You were always there. I stepped into the girls room to find you sleeping on Kylie's bed. You will still dressed. I had noticed you haven't left your phone alone for the last few days and had a real bad feeling that something was going on. I picked it up, unlocked it and immediately open was the email back and forth from you to Will. He was flying in on Jan. 14th. He was excited to be able to meet you and you both replied with "I love you's".
I began to shake as I stood in the bathroom trying to make sense of things. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop anything at all. I wanted to scream. We weren't broken up... we weren't seperated... we had talked about spending a few days apart, to gain some space... but had I known this is what you had in mind, I would have been against it.
I wiped my tears, walked into the bedroom and woke you. I didn't want to. I wanted to go back to bed and keep it to myself. But, I just had to know...
I wish today, that I just went back to bed. I woke you and asked to talk. "What the hell is going on?"
You followed me still half asleep. You wouldn't look at me in the eye. You sat in the hallway, along the left wall, knees to your chest and spilled the beans.
I cried. I couldn't stop crying... I felt so betrayed and lied to. I just couldn't believe it... My brain was telling me to run. If you could hurt me this way, all behind my back... why should I stay? Why should I leave my children? The children I raised, while you were at work making a relationship with someone 2000 miles away. The children, I played with, fed, bathed, clothed and took care of for months while you became more and more scarce and distant from not just them, but me too.
I woke them up and told them to pack. I hated telling them to do this. But no way, could I leave them with a mother who would do this to their father, lie to him, hold the truth... no way. I don't want them to think that that's right or even the kind of acceptable behavior between one human being to another. Especially to someone you're supposed to love. Things had gone so downhill, but never did I imagine this. I knew we'd make it out together... make our changes and be better off with a set of new challenges ahead of us.
You called your sister. I felt like I was being attacked, so I called my mom. You called Dave. We fought and argued, while the tears kept falling from my face. I couldn't think straight and often moved between rooms because I couldn't make up my mind on exactly what I was doing. I packed the kids things and prepared to leave. You called the cops. Wow...
After more arguing and issues, I continued to pack their things until the police arrived. I went downstairs and went outside. There were 8 of them. 6 men, 2 women. I stood outside with 5 of them, while the other 3 watched you and the kids. I told them the story and couldn't hold back a single tear. I cried, once even on a female police officers shoulder.
I was trapped in that house every day. Every day for months, fighting with contractors, fixing up our home myself and still managing to take care of the kids all day long until you returned home. I made you dinners and left them for you in the microwave... in the morning I made you coffee everyday. I made sure you had clean cloths and ironed shirts for work in the morning and sometimes, I stayed awake all night to paint the house. I was worn, constantly. But you didn't care. It was always about money.
The cops soon left. They told me that I could take the children and soon you agreed. My mother came, not long later... she was in a bitchy mood and that made it more difficult on me. I just wanted to leave. I couldn't be around you. Not after what you were doing to me. You fought with me over taking Alora. Telling me... "She's not your daughter!" But she is. She always has been. At least, until recently.
I went out to put the carseats in the car. As I walked back in, I could hear you screaming... "You're not taking my babies!" I had no fucking clue what had happened... you told me that my mother told you that you would never see them... and it doesn't matter what she would say. You were squeezing Johnathan tight and it looked like it was hurting him. I reached in to grab him and take him carefully, but you fought me. I talked calmly with you, reasoning that I would never allow that. And I never would. It's a shame I can't say the same for you. You are withholding them now... you don't want me in their lives.
My mother takes off in the car, leaving me stranded. I feel so alone. I feel so fucking alone. I have no one. You did this to me. You brought us to Baltimore. You risked our lives. I followed you and supported your every decision. I raised our children from a hotel. You failed us. I did everything you ever asked from me, with no fail.
I fall to the floor, pounding my fists on it. I just can't believe it. I cannot believe what you've done to me.
I get up and run... I run down the street, in which it's been snowing... I run till I can't breathe and fall to the ground. I walk slowly back to the house, when the cops show up again. The tell me I cannot go back inside and that I need to leave, without the kids. Because of your screaming and my mother fighting... the cops were called again. And I am blamed for dealing with a situation you created, every step of the way. I call my mother, whose ignoring me in the worst sense. Who do I call? I'm so alone. I'm alone in all of this, while you have your family supporting your decision to leave me. I don't care what my family would tell me, because I knew I loved you... and often fought with them because of it.
Finally my mom returns and causes issues with the cops. I say my goodbye to the kids, while police officers watch my every move. I leave crying. And almost every day since then, I've been crying. Crying as little by little, I have everything taken from my life... while I watch you walk away unscathed. It was nothing for you to leave me... you made it seem so easy. Didn't phase you one bit, what you've done to me. That hurts worse than you saying you don't love me anymore... because you're openly proving it to me.
Since that night... I've heard everything. I've heard you tell me that we would still have sex, we'd be civil, you'd work with me and help me... all a load of bullshit, when Will put his 2 cents in. I've heard you promise me things that never came true, including your biggest promise. "John, you're not losing your family." "John... I would never withhold the kids from you".
You haven't been the woman I loved since that night. It's been a frantic foolish act trying to get that person back. It's hurtful to even look into your eyes anymore and see coldness and ignorance. How can someone so intelligent, be so foolish with someone elses heart and still remain heartless.
I plead with you. I begged. I did what someone in love with someone else, does. You did nothing. You scoffed at me, laughing because you could just open your legs to someone else and instantly replace me in every sense. Women have that power, well, most. And everything I have ever been through with you, has been a waste.
I regret few things in my life. You and I both know what they are. It's not that different from you. We were the same 95% of the time. Our tempers, our way of thinking... but I would never have done this. I never would have put you through, everything that you've put me through. I never would have believed this, years prior. If someone would have told me this, the night before I asked you to marry me... I would have just left. I wouldn't have said goodbye... I would have left immediately and you never would have heard of me again. I would have spared my children from seeing their father, from the look on his face for the last year. I would have saved them from being manipulated and lied to. Convinced that this new man is not whom mommy says he is. But you're good at that.
I can't believe it. Even still, I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming... and I really wish I was. I wish this was all a dream and I would wake up right now, with your arms wrapped around me. But, I won't wake up. This is it... the last year of my life... all stuck in these words. The frustration, the pain, the heartache... I just want it to stop. There's no release. There's no bouncing back. There's the small strides I've taken to keep myself stable... but still I spend some part of my day in tears. Asking the same question. Why?
God... why?
~John
I remember the night well. It was a year and a half ago and I still remember that feeling. My heart racing 1000 miles a minute when you uttered to me, that you love him. That you fell in love with a man you had never met.
I woke up. It was 2 in the morning and I was sleeping with Johnathan in our bed. You weren't there and right away that scared me. In 5 years, I had never woken up that way. You were always there. I stepped into the girls room to find you sleeping on Kylie's bed. You will still dressed. I had noticed you haven't left your phone alone for the last few days and had a real bad feeling that something was going on. I picked it up, unlocked it and immediately open was the email back and forth from you to Will. He was flying in on Jan. 14th. He was excited to be able to meet you and you both replied with "I love you's".
I began to shake as I stood in the bathroom trying to make sense of things. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop anything at all. I wanted to scream. We weren't broken up... we weren't seperated... we had talked about spending a few days apart, to gain some space... but had I known this is what you had in mind, I would have been against it.
I wiped my tears, walked into the bedroom and woke you. I didn't want to. I wanted to go back to bed and keep it to myself. But, I just had to know...
I wish today, that I just went back to bed. I woke you and asked to talk. "What the hell is going on?"
You followed me still half asleep. You wouldn't look at me in the eye. You sat in the hallway, along the left wall, knees to your chest and spilled the beans.
I cried. I couldn't stop crying... I felt so betrayed and lied to. I just couldn't believe it... My brain was telling me to run. If you could hurt me this way, all behind my back... why should I stay? Why should I leave my children? The children I raised, while you were at work making a relationship with someone 2000 miles away. The children, I played with, fed, bathed, clothed and took care of for months while you became more and more scarce and distant from not just them, but me too.
I woke them up and told them to pack. I hated telling them to do this. But no way, could I leave them with a mother who would do this to their father, lie to him, hold the truth... no way. I don't want them to think that that's right or even the kind of acceptable behavior between one human being to another. Especially to someone you're supposed to love. Things had gone so downhill, but never did I imagine this. I knew we'd make it out together... make our changes and be better off with a set of new challenges ahead of us.
You called your sister. I felt like I was being attacked, so I called my mom. You called Dave. We fought and argued, while the tears kept falling from my face. I couldn't think straight and often moved between rooms because I couldn't make up my mind on exactly what I was doing. I packed the kids things and prepared to leave. You called the cops. Wow...
After more arguing and issues, I continued to pack their things until the police arrived. I went downstairs and went outside. There were 8 of them. 6 men, 2 women. I stood outside with 5 of them, while the other 3 watched you and the kids. I told them the story and couldn't hold back a single tear. I cried, once even on a female police officers shoulder.
I was trapped in that house every day. Every day for months, fighting with contractors, fixing up our home myself and still managing to take care of the kids all day long until you returned home. I made you dinners and left them for you in the microwave... in the morning I made you coffee everyday. I made sure you had clean cloths and ironed shirts for work in the morning and sometimes, I stayed awake all night to paint the house. I was worn, constantly. But you didn't care. It was always about money.
The cops soon left. They told me that I could take the children and soon you agreed. My mother came, not long later... she was in a bitchy mood and that made it more difficult on me. I just wanted to leave. I couldn't be around you. Not after what you were doing to me. You fought with me over taking Alora. Telling me... "She's not your daughter!" But she is. She always has been. At least, until recently.
I went out to put the carseats in the car. As I walked back in, I could hear you screaming... "You're not taking my babies!" I had no fucking clue what had happened... you told me that my mother told you that you would never see them... and it doesn't matter what she would say. You were squeezing Johnathan tight and it looked like it was hurting him. I reached in to grab him and take him carefully, but you fought me. I talked calmly with you, reasoning that I would never allow that. And I never would. It's a shame I can't say the same for you. You are withholding them now... you don't want me in their lives.
My mother takes off in the car, leaving me stranded. I feel so alone. I feel so fucking alone. I have no one. You did this to me. You brought us to Baltimore. You risked our lives. I followed you and supported your every decision. I raised our children from a hotel. You failed us. I did everything you ever asked from me, with no fail.
I fall to the floor, pounding my fists on it. I just can't believe it. I cannot believe what you've done to me.
I get up and run... I run down the street, in which it's been snowing... I run till I can't breathe and fall to the ground. I walk slowly back to the house, when the cops show up again. The tell me I cannot go back inside and that I need to leave, without the kids. Because of your screaming and my mother fighting... the cops were called again. And I am blamed for dealing with a situation you created, every step of the way. I call my mother, whose ignoring me in the worst sense. Who do I call? I'm so alone. I'm alone in all of this, while you have your family supporting your decision to leave me. I don't care what my family would tell me, because I knew I loved you... and often fought with them because of it.
Finally my mom returns and causes issues with the cops. I say my goodbye to the kids, while police officers watch my every move. I leave crying. And almost every day since then, I've been crying. Crying as little by little, I have everything taken from my life... while I watch you walk away unscathed. It was nothing for you to leave me... you made it seem so easy. Didn't phase you one bit, what you've done to me. That hurts worse than you saying you don't love me anymore... because you're openly proving it to me.
Since that night... I've heard everything. I've heard you tell me that we would still have sex, we'd be civil, you'd work with me and help me... all a load of bullshit, when Will put his 2 cents in. I've heard you promise me things that never came true, including your biggest promise. "John, you're not losing your family." "John... I would never withhold the kids from you".
You haven't been the woman I loved since that night. It's been a frantic foolish act trying to get that person back. It's hurtful to even look into your eyes anymore and see coldness and ignorance. How can someone so intelligent, be so foolish with someone elses heart and still remain heartless.
I plead with you. I begged. I did what someone in love with someone else, does. You did nothing. You scoffed at me, laughing because you could just open your legs to someone else and instantly replace me in every sense. Women have that power, well, most. And everything I have ever been through with you, has been a waste.
I regret few things in my life. You and I both know what they are. It's not that different from you. We were the same 95% of the time. Our tempers, our way of thinking... but I would never have done this. I never would have put you through, everything that you've put me through. I never would have believed this, years prior. If someone would have told me this, the night before I asked you to marry me... I would have just left. I wouldn't have said goodbye... I would have left immediately and you never would have heard of me again. I would have spared my children from seeing their father, from the look on his face for the last year. I would have saved them from being manipulated and lied to. Convinced that this new man is not whom mommy says he is. But you're good at that.
I can't believe it. Even still, I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming... and I really wish I was. I wish this was all a dream and I would wake up right now, with your arms wrapped around me. But, I won't wake up. This is it... the last year of my life... all stuck in these words. The frustration, the pain, the heartache... I just want it to stop. There's no release. There's no bouncing back. There's the small strides I've taken to keep myself stable... but still I spend some part of my day in tears. Asking the same question. Why?
God... why?
~John
Sunday, March 25, 2012
4 Months
I have never been away from the kids this long. It's a 1/3 of a year... and I haven't seen a single picture of them. Something that I would hope would come nature for a mother to send a father. I sent her pictures everytime, everyday they spent with me. Videos and pictures sometimes.
Over the last 2 weeks, things have gotten shadier than I would have anticipated. Another assuming attempt to slowly erase me. I'm sure she's thrown away the pictures, denied memories and anything else that remotely ties the children back to me. Phone calls have become dramatically sparse, as I've called everyday in the last 2 weeks and maybe had the kids on the phone 3 times in 14 days. Alora still isn't speaking to me as I have been told that she won't be coming to visit me any longer, even when Johnathan and Kylie do come. It's discouraging to hear... very. The thought alone makes me sob, remembering every moment I spent with Alora. Everything I have ever done with her, I've been her daddy... her father. The man she saw since she was 2 months old. I've been involved in every aspect of her life. Down to the most recent with her schooling.
It's amazing what I gave to Kendall. I gave her a man, who loved her completely... flaws and all. Someone who loved a child that didn't come from me. I treated and loved her no different for the last 6 years of my life. Kendall and I would be celebrating our 6th year, this week. I miss her... but I've grown to get used to that. I cannot get used to missing the kids like this. It's affected me in so many ways, it's difficult to even mention how. It broke my relationship with Beth. It's affected my work, as Paul has noted plenty of times. It's hindered my motivation. I've gained more weight, which in no way am I happy with. I'm lost without my kids. I need the 3 of them in my life, as they always were. I need them to know who their father is... and that I did nothing wrong for them to disappear from my life. I gave Kendall everything I had. I loved her to a degree, I've never loved anyone... and it still sadly shows today.
I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated... that I trusted her. Even something as simple as doing the right thing... has been something she's proven to me, she can't do. She's taught the kids that Will is their daddy, instead of the daddy who wants to spend every day with them. She's told them lies... which is apparent if Alora is still 2 months later, refusing to speak to me. She's broken promises and welched on the contract that she made me sign and agree to at the beginning of last year. She's given another man the promise she's made to me since the beginning... Making Alora, legally my daughter. She's taken all she can away from me. She's tarnished my name with lies and now is trying to take what's left of me, in court.
This isn't the woman I knew. This isn't even close to the wonderful, intelligent, adventurous woman I loved. I don't know why or when she changed to become this... but I know, I very much hate who she's become. I don't hate her. I hate what is has/is doing to me.
It's been 4 months... And it's been hell. I can't wait to hug them... but know that they're going to give me the same look I got from Alora once... "Who is this man?" My children are going to look at me like a stranger. *sigh*
Why... on God's earth... did you do this to me? How could someone as special and important in my life, end up being so cruel in such a short time period... all in the meanwhile of justifying all of it, with lies and bullshit. Did you ever love me? You tell me when that was... and I'll make a time machine and go back to that time period, because I can't ever believe you did. I can't ever believe this is where you would have put me in my life, as I struggle to fight against you in something some simple. No longer is it about you and me. Now, it's about them and me... and you're denying me that in every way possible.
You've destroyed my life. Yet, I'm to blame. I didn't love you enough. I didn't show you enough. I never did anything, that was good enough for you... when you know, all you had to do was to talk to me. To give me an opportunity to change and make a difference. You've destroyed my soul. One that was happily reserved for you. You were my soul mate. I was your burden. One of us has been lying throughout the years... but it hasn't been me. And you've grown quite good at it.
4 months... and still 1 more to go, before I am forced to face you and watch you in plain sight, continue to lie and force me from my own family and life.
Karma will come back. It always does... and while I know I won't have anything to do with it... But, I pray I am around to watch you go through, what you're putting me through.
~John
Over the last 2 weeks, things have gotten shadier than I would have anticipated. Another assuming attempt to slowly erase me. I'm sure she's thrown away the pictures, denied memories and anything else that remotely ties the children back to me. Phone calls have become dramatically sparse, as I've called everyday in the last 2 weeks and maybe had the kids on the phone 3 times in 14 days. Alora still isn't speaking to me as I have been told that she won't be coming to visit me any longer, even when Johnathan and Kylie do come. It's discouraging to hear... very. The thought alone makes me sob, remembering every moment I spent with Alora. Everything I have ever done with her, I've been her daddy... her father. The man she saw since she was 2 months old. I've been involved in every aspect of her life. Down to the most recent with her schooling.
It's amazing what I gave to Kendall. I gave her a man, who loved her completely... flaws and all. Someone who loved a child that didn't come from me. I treated and loved her no different for the last 6 years of my life. Kendall and I would be celebrating our 6th year, this week. I miss her... but I've grown to get used to that. I cannot get used to missing the kids like this. It's affected me in so many ways, it's difficult to even mention how. It broke my relationship with Beth. It's affected my work, as Paul has noted plenty of times. It's hindered my motivation. I've gained more weight, which in no way am I happy with. I'm lost without my kids. I need the 3 of them in my life, as they always were. I need them to know who their father is... and that I did nothing wrong for them to disappear from my life. I gave Kendall everything I had. I loved her to a degree, I've never loved anyone... and it still sadly shows today.
I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated... that I trusted her. Even something as simple as doing the right thing... has been something she's proven to me, she can't do. She's taught the kids that Will is their daddy, instead of the daddy who wants to spend every day with them. She's told them lies... which is apparent if Alora is still 2 months later, refusing to speak to me. She's broken promises and welched on the contract that she made me sign and agree to at the beginning of last year. She's given another man the promise she's made to me since the beginning... Making Alora, legally my daughter. She's taken all she can away from me. She's tarnished my name with lies and now is trying to take what's left of me, in court.
This isn't the woman I knew. This isn't even close to the wonderful, intelligent, adventurous woman I loved. I don't know why or when she changed to become this... but I know, I very much hate who she's become. I don't hate her. I hate what is has/is doing to me.
It's been 4 months... And it's been hell. I can't wait to hug them... but know that they're going to give me the same look I got from Alora once... "Who is this man?" My children are going to look at me like a stranger. *sigh*
Why... on God's earth... did you do this to me? How could someone as special and important in my life, end up being so cruel in such a short time period... all in the meanwhile of justifying all of it, with lies and bullshit. Did you ever love me? You tell me when that was... and I'll make a time machine and go back to that time period, because I can't ever believe you did. I can't ever believe this is where you would have put me in my life, as I struggle to fight against you in something some simple. No longer is it about you and me. Now, it's about them and me... and you're denying me that in every way possible.
You've destroyed my life. Yet, I'm to blame. I didn't love you enough. I didn't show you enough. I never did anything, that was good enough for you... when you know, all you had to do was to talk to me. To give me an opportunity to change and make a difference. You've destroyed my soul. One that was happily reserved for you. You were my soul mate. I was your burden. One of us has been lying throughout the years... but it hasn't been me. And you've grown quite good at it.
4 months... and still 1 more to go, before I am forced to face you and watch you in plain sight, continue to lie and force me from my own family and life.
Karma will come back. It always does... and while I know I won't have anything to do with it... But, I pray I am around to watch you go through, what you're putting me through.
~John
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Stuck.
I wrote yesterday, I know. I just felt like I need to talk. About what, I don't know... or am unsure where to begin. I had another dream. I don't want to talk about this dream, because of the kind it was. I just know that when I woke up, I felt great. Until, I realized I wasn't in my dream anymore.
In a lot of ways, I'm not over her. I wish I was. It's stunted me, from wanting to get involved with anyone else. I'm not over what I had. Can I ever be? I had a family I loved very much. I would have done anything for. And this last year has been a painful awakening, to see it all taken away. So many promises were made and none of them kept. And now, I am fighting for the one thing I shouldn't have to be. My children. To see them. To spend time with them. For them to know their father, daddy, me. I never wanted a single second of something else... and I am regretful in having to be here and witness it, as it continues to destroy my life. And still with the pain and tears... I love the devil. I love everything I ever learned about her. Every moment I had. I'm not regretful of a single second I spent, even in times where she would hit and yell at me. I'm aching because, I'll never have that again. Not a percentage. Not at all.
And still, I am asking, what I did wrong to have all of this. To be on the complete short end of the stick, after years of things getting better. Things changing and becoming more than it ever was. When did the honesty stop? When did the love stop? It never stopped for me. Just hid sometimes behind frustration and pain.
Jeff called me last night. He's going through something with Kala. He's thinking about her every single second, over and over and over and over, until his brain melts. He loves her with all of his heart and I know, because I was there. The restlessness, the tossing, the turning, the not eating, the confusion, the tears. He's scared. He's scared to be where I am. To watch his children taken from his life and being replaced with another. He's terrified. He asked me... "John, how did you do it?"
At first, I told him I didn't know. I don't know how I got through 446 days without the person I loved. I don't know how I got through 445 nights, not being wrapped up in the arms of a person I adored. I don't know how I got here. 1 year, 2 months and 21 days... thinking about how I'll never be able to hold my children without the idea of supervision. Or make another decision in their lives. That while I can love with all my heart, hate the woman she has become.
I won't lie... some days, I didn't make it. I cried myself through those days. Some days, I prayed. Some days, I hardly got through. And days like today... I just can't get her out of my mind. No matter how hard I try. I remember everything that ever happened. Work Picnics, flying home on a Blackhawk to see her, to touch her or feel her naked skin on me. To believe I had found the one. The one I've shared my biggest adventures with, is gone. Rollercoaster parks, nightclubs, skinnydipping, NYC comedy clubs, sex museums, hospitals, our kids... everything. The nervous day I decided that I wanted to propose to her. The night I did, the rain that fell and the people who watched me do the craziest thing I have ever done... the memory of seeing that ring on her finger for years and remembering how I wish I had that chance to see her standing in a wedding dress, her hand in mine. I remember every lucky second I ever had with her. In a month, I have to face her. I have to sit in the same room while I listen to someone tell me, how I'm not a great father and don't deserve to be involved in the lives I've created. That I didn't do a fantastic job as a father, raising them. I didn't teach them their alphabet, numbers, adding, subtracting, how the world works, their manners, cooking, cleaning and everything in between. I'll have to hear about how I didn't bathe them, play with them or love them. I'll have to listen to someone instill every fear I've ever had with my family. And have the eyes of those trying to take them away from me, be the same person in my memories.
Was this the plan all along? Did these thoughts exist 446 days ago? And now I'm stuck. Stuck between what I want, who I am and why... why like this? Why does everyone else who remotely even close to this situation, have it easier than I do. Why was I forced upon everything, including the remote possibility that I could loose my oldest daughter? Every second I ever spent with Alora. Father's Day, 2006, Rose Garden along the Brandywine, Christmas's and Birthday's, I'm supposed to forget. I was there her first day of school. I watched her march as a fairy in a parade. I love her. I miss her. And no one cares but me.
This just isn't fair. This is killing my soul... and I'm so afraid that it's far from over. I want to beg and plea... but I'll never get an answer. I'll get coldness. I'm forgotten memories. I'm not her soulmate, while I still feel like she was mine.
The fact is, Jeff... some days I can't handle it. I'm going crazy... and I can't speak about it, because I'm not well... or need help... or am not stable, when honestly, I am just constantly brought right back to being heartbroken, destroyed and often reminded that the one I loved, never seemingly loved me enough. I loose all interest, motivation or even some of my mind. I'm being accused of things that are downright so blatantly messed up, that I feel like I am listening about someone else. Jeff, I cry. I cry more than any man should. I'm full of an eternal sadness that only they could complete. It's painful to see this before my eyes... and my friend, I pray within every ounce of my soul... that you will never have to see this.
I'm stuck. Stuck on what to do next. Stuck on them. Stuck on her. I miss her, back when I knew her.
~John
In a lot of ways, I'm not over her. I wish I was. It's stunted me, from wanting to get involved with anyone else. I'm not over what I had. Can I ever be? I had a family I loved very much. I would have done anything for. And this last year has been a painful awakening, to see it all taken away. So many promises were made and none of them kept. And now, I am fighting for the one thing I shouldn't have to be. My children. To see them. To spend time with them. For them to know their father, daddy, me. I never wanted a single second of something else... and I am regretful in having to be here and witness it, as it continues to destroy my life. And still with the pain and tears... I love the devil. I love everything I ever learned about her. Every moment I had. I'm not regretful of a single second I spent, even in times where she would hit and yell at me. I'm aching because, I'll never have that again. Not a percentage. Not at all.
And still, I am asking, what I did wrong to have all of this. To be on the complete short end of the stick, after years of things getting better. Things changing and becoming more than it ever was. When did the honesty stop? When did the love stop? It never stopped for me. Just hid sometimes behind frustration and pain.
Jeff called me last night. He's going through something with Kala. He's thinking about her every single second, over and over and over and over, until his brain melts. He loves her with all of his heart and I know, because I was there. The restlessness, the tossing, the turning, the not eating, the confusion, the tears. He's scared. He's scared to be where I am. To watch his children taken from his life and being replaced with another. He's terrified. He asked me... "John, how did you do it?"
At first, I told him I didn't know. I don't know how I got through 446 days without the person I loved. I don't know how I got through 445 nights, not being wrapped up in the arms of a person I adored. I don't know how I got here. 1 year, 2 months and 21 days... thinking about how I'll never be able to hold my children without the idea of supervision. Or make another decision in their lives. That while I can love with all my heart, hate the woman she has become.
I won't lie... some days, I didn't make it. I cried myself through those days. Some days, I prayed. Some days, I hardly got through. And days like today... I just can't get her out of my mind. No matter how hard I try. I remember everything that ever happened. Work Picnics, flying home on a Blackhawk to see her, to touch her or feel her naked skin on me. To believe I had found the one. The one I've shared my biggest adventures with, is gone. Rollercoaster parks, nightclubs, skinnydipping, NYC comedy clubs, sex museums, hospitals, our kids... everything. The nervous day I decided that I wanted to propose to her. The night I did, the rain that fell and the people who watched me do the craziest thing I have ever done... the memory of seeing that ring on her finger for years and remembering how I wish I had that chance to see her standing in a wedding dress, her hand in mine. I remember every lucky second I ever had with her. In a month, I have to face her. I have to sit in the same room while I listen to someone tell me, how I'm not a great father and don't deserve to be involved in the lives I've created. That I didn't do a fantastic job as a father, raising them. I didn't teach them their alphabet, numbers, adding, subtracting, how the world works, their manners, cooking, cleaning and everything in between. I'll have to hear about how I didn't bathe them, play with them or love them. I'll have to listen to someone instill every fear I've ever had with my family. And have the eyes of those trying to take them away from me, be the same person in my memories.
Was this the plan all along? Did these thoughts exist 446 days ago? And now I'm stuck. Stuck between what I want, who I am and why... why like this? Why does everyone else who remotely even close to this situation, have it easier than I do. Why was I forced upon everything, including the remote possibility that I could loose my oldest daughter? Every second I ever spent with Alora. Father's Day, 2006, Rose Garden along the Brandywine, Christmas's and Birthday's, I'm supposed to forget. I was there her first day of school. I watched her march as a fairy in a parade. I love her. I miss her. And no one cares but me.
This just isn't fair. This is killing my soul... and I'm so afraid that it's far from over. I want to beg and plea... but I'll never get an answer. I'll get coldness. I'm forgotten memories. I'm not her soulmate, while I still feel like she was mine.
The fact is, Jeff... some days I can't handle it. I'm going crazy... and I can't speak about it, because I'm not well... or need help... or am not stable, when honestly, I am just constantly brought right back to being heartbroken, destroyed and often reminded that the one I loved, never seemingly loved me enough. I loose all interest, motivation or even some of my mind. I'm being accused of things that are downright so blatantly messed up, that I feel like I am listening about someone else. Jeff, I cry. I cry more than any man should. I'm full of an eternal sadness that only they could complete. It's painful to see this before my eyes... and my friend, I pray within every ounce of my soul... that you will never have to see this.
I'm stuck. Stuck on what to do next. Stuck on them. Stuck on her. I miss her, back when I knew her.
~John
Monday, March 19, 2012
A trend?...
I can't believe what I've had to do to get through the last devastating year of my life. How I've had to rebuild my confidence, work my ass off, change and start my life back over. The rollercoaster I've had to ride and trust me... I never want to ride it again. I've changed much, but I'm not certain it's all for the best. I loved me. Well, the personality I had. I've had to change, to deal with this life. I don't have the humor I did. I don't have the optimism... I don't have a motivation, while my children little by little forgeting the man that loved them before they were even here. I used to rub her belly, awaiting the day to hold them. Now, I'm counting the days before I can see them again. And every day more, I feel further from them. I miss them so much. Alora still isn't speaking to me... and there's been a handful of times it's brought me to tears. I feel pathetic sometimes, because I cannot gather my emotions when I am faced with the fact that everything was absolutely taken from me. I've been crushed under the thumb of my former best-friend/soulmate (of which I truly believe I am the only one who ever believed her and I were fate). I've been through hell... and still going through it. What I would give just to hug her. To tell her I am sorry that I wasn't good enough. I tried 1,000 times and it should have been 1,001.
I've seen others go through something similar... unfortunately, no one has yet to compare to the degree of me. Forced to see and deal with the things I have. To watch her belly grow with a new child. The first time I noticed a new ring on her finger. It happened so fast. Too fast for me. She left me for someone else. Left me in tears and sorrys. She took, knowing what was important to me. It didn't matter a single bit to her. She hates me. She's hated me since the first day... and I knew it even then. When my words didn't matter. I see others go through it. It reminds me of the phases, I went through. How many nights I cried, laid restless thinking thoughts until I would cry myself to sleep. How many meals I skipped knowing, I wouldn't be staring at the face I had fallen in love with all those years. Does she know? Will she ever know? No. And with my friends going through their own... they will learn the painful truth as I have. It's a lie. It's a facade. It's a joke that plays on for years. I'm not her one and only... I never was. She gave up on me, easier than anyone could have. She kept secrets. She lied. Betrayed by the person I never had any reason to suspect would lie to me. And here I am now, fighting for the one thing I should never have to fight over.
She's got our pictures. She's still got my things. She's still got me, lingering in a fashion or another... but not physically. I've got them. It's all I have. It's what makes me a father. That want and need to spend everyday in my childrens lives. For them to count on me. She's begun taking that away and in no way, have let up. She's taken Lori from me. All those years... wiped away, like I'm a stain on the counter. What lies will she tell them? She obviously won't be honest about how this all happened. She hasn't been yet... She'll blame me. It's her only justification for all of this. I'm not perfect. But, it's bullshit. It's complete bullshit of this picture she's painted of me. It's not me. It never was. I was in every bit of a way, flawed as she was. But, I would have never done this. I never would have dreamed of this. I would have never hurt her, in the way she's hurt me. The kids will only grow up knowing lies, as she had heard about her mother. Lies she was almost made to believe, until she read court documents for herself. And then, she realized the kind of man her father really was.
But one day... when the cloud of bullshit clears. They will find out the truth. They can weigh both sides. They will talk to aunts and uncles to hear a completely different tale, than the web she's been spinning. It may be too late. They may grow up to be like her and that scares me. So reckless... even with other peoples hearts. That's not something I want them to do or be like. I want them to be honest and careful with others emotions. Understanding, loving and everything in the middle. Things their father is, has always been and always will be.
I see my friends go through the emotions. I can hear it in their voice. They are me. They are screaming for chances to keep their family. They are afraid of what's to come... and they should be. The lengths a person will go to, to prove they no longer love you anymore. That you're as easily replaced as a paper towel roll. They are crying, not sleeping, dreaming only of the one they care about. They aren't the best people in the world... but no one is perfect and everyone deserves a chance to change. To prove something to the world and not cower. I haven't cowered... I gave up my dignity and tried to fight for her. And forever... it'll haunt me, just as it does to them now.
I pray for them. I don't really ever pray. But, I pray for them now. I pray that they do fix it and work it out and get back together. I pray that they don't have to go through 2 minutes of my life. I've been on suicide watch for a few days now. No one has to tell me... no one is asking... I have been there. I have thought about those thoughts... and got through it alone. I want them to get through this too. I'll continue to pray. They will need all the help they can get, going through some of the emotions I, myself was faced with. I will talk to them and keep them on a good moral path, to doing the right thing as I have been trying to do since day one. I pray their life flips around in a way, that mine didn't. I pray that... the person they love so much, loves them too... and takes the steps to prove it.
~John
I've seen others go through something similar... unfortunately, no one has yet to compare to the degree of me. Forced to see and deal with the things I have. To watch her belly grow with a new child. The first time I noticed a new ring on her finger. It happened so fast. Too fast for me. She left me for someone else. Left me in tears and sorrys. She took, knowing what was important to me. It didn't matter a single bit to her. She hates me. She's hated me since the first day... and I knew it even then. When my words didn't matter. I see others go through it. It reminds me of the phases, I went through. How many nights I cried, laid restless thinking thoughts until I would cry myself to sleep. How many meals I skipped knowing, I wouldn't be staring at the face I had fallen in love with all those years. Does she know? Will she ever know? No. And with my friends going through their own... they will learn the painful truth as I have. It's a lie. It's a facade. It's a joke that plays on for years. I'm not her one and only... I never was. She gave up on me, easier than anyone could have. She kept secrets. She lied. Betrayed by the person I never had any reason to suspect would lie to me. And here I am now, fighting for the one thing I should never have to fight over.
She's got our pictures. She's still got my things. She's still got me, lingering in a fashion or another... but not physically. I've got them. It's all I have. It's what makes me a father. That want and need to spend everyday in my childrens lives. For them to count on me. She's begun taking that away and in no way, have let up. She's taken Lori from me. All those years... wiped away, like I'm a stain on the counter. What lies will she tell them? She obviously won't be honest about how this all happened. She hasn't been yet... She'll blame me. It's her only justification for all of this. I'm not perfect. But, it's bullshit. It's complete bullshit of this picture she's painted of me. It's not me. It never was. I was in every bit of a way, flawed as she was. But, I would have never done this. I never would have dreamed of this. I would have never hurt her, in the way she's hurt me. The kids will only grow up knowing lies, as she had heard about her mother. Lies she was almost made to believe, until she read court documents for herself. And then, she realized the kind of man her father really was.
But one day... when the cloud of bullshit clears. They will find out the truth. They can weigh both sides. They will talk to aunts and uncles to hear a completely different tale, than the web she's been spinning. It may be too late. They may grow up to be like her and that scares me. So reckless... even with other peoples hearts. That's not something I want them to do or be like. I want them to be honest and careful with others emotions. Understanding, loving and everything in the middle. Things their father is, has always been and always will be.
I see my friends go through the emotions. I can hear it in their voice. They are me. They are screaming for chances to keep their family. They are afraid of what's to come... and they should be. The lengths a person will go to, to prove they no longer love you anymore. That you're as easily replaced as a paper towel roll. They are crying, not sleeping, dreaming only of the one they care about. They aren't the best people in the world... but no one is perfect and everyone deserves a chance to change. To prove something to the world and not cower. I haven't cowered... I gave up my dignity and tried to fight for her. And forever... it'll haunt me, just as it does to them now.
I pray for them. I don't really ever pray. But, I pray for them now. I pray that they do fix it and work it out and get back together. I pray that they don't have to go through 2 minutes of my life. I've been on suicide watch for a few days now. No one has to tell me... no one is asking... I have been there. I have thought about those thoughts... and got through it alone. I want them to get through this too. I'll continue to pray. They will need all the help they can get, going through some of the emotions I, myself was faced with. I will talk to them and keep them on a good moral path, to doing the right thing as I have been trying to do since day one. I pray their life flips around in a way, that mine didn't. I pray that... the person they love so much, loves them too... and takes the steps to prove it.
~John
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
What Dreams May Come...
It's been a while now since I woke up... but I had a dream that I can't really get out of my mind. And if I don't write it down, I'll never understand it later.
In my dream, it takes place close to now and it was very vivid. It was long, but details stick out clear.
I walk into some large large party. It's outside in a big hilly field. I stream my body through a crowd of people I know, but no longer consider me family. I get sneers and stares, but no one stops me. I step in front of you. Will isn't there. The kids aren't there. Despite a thousand people, it still feels like I am alone in a room with you. I can't help but cry, though I'm choking back. I don't come close and I can't look you into the eye. I tell you how much all of this is killing me inside. Being away from the kids mostly. I lost you. You're gone and never coming back. I can't decide if it's your fault or mine. Probably both. I skip past us... and get right to the kids. I miss them and my heart is beating a million miles a minute, hoping they will pop out from behind some tree or them in the house... either way, I am waiting impatiently for just a glimpse. To see how big they've grown. Anything.
I get to the point. I cut to the chase and tell you that, the only thing I want is to be a father to my children. That's the only thing I want. It's always been the only thing. I mean, I wanted to be your husband. But that decision takes 2 of us. This just takes me. I wanted nothing less than to be a daddy my whole life... Since I was 17, I knew I wanted to be a father. And I wanted my wife to give that to me. I asked you to marry me, because I wanted you to give me children one day. I have them now and I can't see them. I can only take every uncomfortable step after the next to get to them. Mainly, fighting against you, the woman who I watched, give them to me. I'm crying, but still trying not to. You just stand there, arms crossed... I know I'm the last person you want to see, but I still can't get it through my thick head, why. Why, do you shun me so? Why am I the bain of your life, when I can't really think of any reason why or how I could be. I remember a time before Baltimore and it never seemed like I would have to stop loving you. I believed we would have been forever. Why shouldn't I have? We argued... but sometimes, that was just us. It didn't change how I felt. Never. At the end of every night, I told you I loved you. And I did. I'm trying to convince you of something you're ears are closed to. You get closer, for reasons I have no clue about. I just know it makes me feel uncomfortable. You touch my arm and I just break down. I can't breathe, I can't think... I feel like I am going to collapse. You say something, but its not loud enough. You say a little louder that you can't breathe and you pass out. I catch you, ignoring how I currently feel.
I run through a field, through a crowd of people and a house. It's not one I've ever seen before. I lay you down in a bed, when someone tells me that a doctor is on the way. I don't know what to do, so I leave a picture I keep in my wallet. A picture of Alora. Her spring pictures, that I've kept in here for years. I leave.
I woke up. And for some reason, I have no been able to get it out of my mind. Why? Is there a message in all of this? I just don't know. It's so clear, it feels like it happened. I thought I should write it down, in case life takes a twist. I'm not sure what form it'll come in. It could be, because I am unable to get her out of my mind, all starting with a picture I unpacked a few days ago... it was at the Believe It or Not museum in NYC. We were happy that day. Extraordinarily happy. It'll be 2 years ago, in a month. Been going through storage lately, going to clear it out. Then the other night, I caught the end of "Ever After"... reciting in my head, Kendall telling me the first time she saw that movie. It was with her mom. Who she claims, would have loved me as a son. I almost wish I didn't see them. Just reminds me of the person I was madly in love with... and now this new person I almost know nothing about. It's a facade I'm sure, with lying and untruths. Whatever it takes to show everyone the kind of man I never was. Emotional, sure... a pothead, definitely... abusive, never. Forcefully sexual... farthest thing from the truth. Too submission in my view. But it's who she is now. Maybe I was lied to, the same way. But this magical person I had come to know, was really playing tricks on me until the next audience member came around.
I miss the kids. I think about them constantly, almost 1,000 times a day. It's so hard to be without them. I call every night, despite the possibility of listening to her voicemail in which she hyphenates her name with Will's. It's kind of funny, considering she was willing to take my last name completely... and hasn't done so with his. But, it still hurts, because after her name, I always hoped to hear mine. It's gotten to the point where, I hang up before then. I know the kids will call back. I've considered seeing a therapist. Some people think I should. Others, don't think I need one. Maybe a therapist would find something wrong with me to explain, why my life turned this way. Why I still think about her all the time... or what I can do to minimize this pain.
I've changed much over this year... in some ways, I can't believe that I have. I've grown a hell of a beard. It's as big as the one from Christmas 2 years ago. I've gained some weight. 35lbs. Probably due to quitting pot last year. I want to lose it. I'm sure it's depression weight. I signed up for a gym, but haven't had the time to go, with all the new court things, my trip coming up and other things that have kept me so busy. Visiting storage, looking for a house. (I found a 3 bedroom, for 600!) (not buying, renting) And a car, which I am scheduled to buy in the first 2 weeks of April from Travis. I wish the depression worked the same way, when she first left. I couldn't eat anything. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything. I lost 20lbs when Kendall left. And gained 55 since. Some say that I have grown into a comfortable weight, but I don't think so. I've been dating a lot, but have been shallow, non-invested and distant. Wren was a great girl... and I slowly made myself drift away. Beth is gone. Has been for months. Now I am talking to Erica, who is very beautiful and my kind of woman... but still, I find it difficult to fall into or trust. I'm on eggshells, with all women I meet. I'm just scared I guess. Scared to get involved and for them to just walk out as easily as Kendall.
I want to do school this year, but can I get my head straight enough to start that?
*sigh* Well, I went through what was on my mind. That dream was weird and too clear. I hate remembering details. I don't know when I'll read this again to decipher it, but maybe one day I'll understand. I stopped reading my posts a few months ago. It keeps the tears out of my eyes. I've had to do that with a lot of things. Just stay away, so I don't cry or tip over.
I often wonder... the day we both depart from this world. Would you seek me out in the afterlife? Was I really your soulmate...? It'll be a long long time from now, hopefully when we are old and gray.
~John
In my dream, it takes place close to now and it was very vivid. It was long, but details stick out clear.
I walk into some large large party. It's outside in a big hilly field. I stream my body through a crowd of people I know, but no longer consider me family. I get sneers and stares, but no one stops me. I step in front of you. Will isn't there. The kids aren't there. Despite a thousand people, it still feels like I am alone in a room with you. I can't help but cry, though I'm choking back. I don't come close and I can't look you into the eye. I tell you how much all of this is killing me inside. Being away from the kids mostly. I lost you. You're gone and never coming back. I can't decide if it's your fault or mine. Probably both. I skip past us... and get right to the kids. I miss them and my heart is beating a million miles a minute, hoping they will pop out from behind some tree or them in the house... either way, I am waiting impatiently for just a glimpse. To see how big they've grown. Anything.
I get to the point. I cut to the chase and tell you that, the only thing I want is to be a father to my children. That's the only thing I want. It's always been the only thing. I mean, I wanted to be your husband. But that decision takes 2 of us. This just takes me. I wanted nothing less than to be a daddy my whole life... Since I was 17, I knew I wanted to be a father. And I wanted my wife to give that to me. I asked you to marry me, because I wanted you to give me children one day. I have them now and I can't see them. I can only take every uncomfortable step after the next to get to them. Mainly, fighting against you, the woman who I watched, give them to me. I'm crying, but still trying not to. You just stand there, arms crossed... I know I'm the last person you want to see, but I still can't get it through my thick head, why. Why, do you shun me so? Why am I the bain of your life, when I can't really think of any reason why or how I could be. I remember a time before Baltimore and it never seemed like I would have to stop loving you. I believed we would have been forever. Why shouldn't I have? We argued... but sometimes, that was just us. It didn't change how I felt. Never. At the end of every night, I told you I loved you. And I did. I'm trying to convince you of something you're ears are closed to. You get closer, for reasons I have no clue about. I just know it makes me feel uncomfortable. You touch my arm and I just break down. I can't breathe, I can't think... I feel like I am going to collapse. You say something, but its not loud enough. You say a little louder that you can't breathe and you pass out. I catch you, ignoring how I currently feel.
I run through a field, through a crowd of people and a house. It's not one I've ever seen before. I lay you down in a bed, when someone tells me that a doctor is on the way. I don't know what to do, so I leave a picture I keep in my wallet. A picture of Alora. Her spring pictures, that I've kept in here for years. I leave.
I woke up. And for some reason, I have no been able to get it out of my mind. Why? Is there a message in all of this? I just don't know. It's so clear, it feels like it happened. I thought I should write it down, in case life takes a twist. I'm not sure what form it'll come in. It could be, because I am unable to get her out of my mind, all starting with a picture I unpacked a few days ago... it was at the Believe It or Not museum in NYC. We were happy that day. Extraordinarily happy. It'll be 2 years ago, in a month. Been going through storage lately, going to clear it out. Then the other night, I caught the end of "Ever After"... reciting in my head, Kendall telling me the first time she saw that movie. It was with her mom. Who she claims, would have loved me as a son. I almost wish I didn't see them. Just reminds me of the person I was madly in love with... and now this new person I almost know nothing about. It's a facade I'm sure, with lying and untruths. Whatever it takes to show everyone the kind of man I never was. Emotional, sure... a pothead, definitely... abusive, never. Forcefully sexual... farthest thing from the truth. Too submission in my view. But it's who she is now. Maybe I was lied to, the same way. But this magical person I had come to know, was really playing tricks on me until the next audience member came around.
I miss the kids. I think about them constantly, almost 1,000 times a day. It's so hard to be without them. I call every night, despite the possibility of listening to her voicemail in which she hyphenates her name with Will's. It's kind of funny, considering she was willing to take my last name completely... and hasn't done so with his. But, it still hurts, because after her name, I always hoped to hear mine. It's gotten to the point where, I hang up before then. I know the kids will call back. I've considered seeing a therapist. Some people think I should. Others, don't think I need one. Maybe a therapist would find something wrong with me to explain, why my life turned this way. Why I still think about her all the time... or what I can do to minimize this pain.
I've changed much over this year... in some ways, I can't believe that I have. I've grown a hell of a beard. It's as big as the one from Christmas 2 years ago. I've gained some weight. 35lbs. Probably due to quitting pot last year. I want to lose it. I'm sure it's depression weight. I signed up for a gym, but haven't had the time to go, with all the new court things, my trip coming up and other things that have kept me so busy. Visiting storage, looking for a house. (I found a 3 bedroom, for 600!) (not buying, renting) And a car, which I am scheduled to buy in the first 2 weeks of April from Travis. I wish the depression worked the same way, when she first left. I couldn't eat anything. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything. I lost 20lbs when Kendall left. And gained 55 since. Some say that I have grown into a comfortable weight, but I don't think so. I've been dating a lot, but have been shallow, non-invested and distant. Wren was a great girl... and I slowly made myself drift away. Beth is gone. Has been for months. Now I am talking to Erica, who is very beautiful and my kind of woman... but still, I find it difficult to fall into or trust. I'm on eggshells, with all women I meet. I'm just scared I guess. Scared to get involved and for them to just walk out as easily as Kendall.
I want to do school this year, but can I get my head straight enough to start that?
*sigh* Well, I went through what was on my mind. That dream was weird and too clear. I hate remembering details. I don't know when I'll read this again to decipher it, but maybe one day I'll understand. I stopped reading my posts a few months ago. It keeps the tears out of my eyes. I've had to do that with a lot of things. Just stay away, so I don't cry or tip over.
I often wonder... the day we both depart from this world. Would you seek me out in the afterlife? Was I really your soulmate...? It'll be a long long time from now, hopefully when we are old and gray.
~John
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Finally... 2 days before my birthday.
It sounds ridiculous... I'm here at work, popped onto facebook and saw a picture of Johnathan that just made me cry. I can't believe I sat here, crying on my keyboard. Thank god, no one has come into the store. It hurts so much... that I haven't really been able to look at any pictures of them. They're getting so big without me and it's not something I had ever imagined. I just miss them so much. I'm still trying to figure out where I went wrong. My biggest mistake was keeping up a habit that was further enforced and ok-ed by the person I loved. I told her a million times, I would quit... all she had to do was tell me. And out of all those years, while we discussed how I should one day quit... she never told or asked me to. Never flat out said anything about it.
I've lost so much. I feel empty being without my children and for the last month Alora hasn't said anything to me at all. It kills my soul, that every memory I have ever had with her, I have to somehow ignore right now. She's calling a new man daddy and seems to have just forgotten about me. 6 years and being her father... and for what?
I got court papers. I was expecting them eventually anyway. I didn't want to be the one to file, even though everyone kept telling me to beat her to the punch. I felt like it was giving her a proverbial black eye. I know it's for the kids and that's it. At least that's the frame of mind I am supposed to be in. But, I can't help but try to be as nice as I can about all of this. Accommodating and understanding. I've gotten mad before... hell yeah... and why not? Look what's happened? This person I trusted everything with has proven to me, how badly she just wants to fuck me over. Withhold the kids, tell lies, just to leave unscathed... to act like I was never there.
She's filing for SOLE custody and supervised visitation. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me? Why?! Why should you go on making every decision about our children, without me? Why should I have supervised visitation when both YOU and I know, that I've always taken 110% better care of the children than you ever have. Why do I now need to change who I am, to make sure you don't continue to walk all over me? Why do I need to do this, just to go with something that should be absolutely basic in their lives?
I'm not holding back. I'm coming at you with everything I've got, since you're just trying to erase me. You'll see a side of me, that I don't even want to see. I'm going to bring up every moment with you that made me question your integrity. The times you bought acid, smoked weed and your records of drug and alcohol abuse while you were pregnant with Alora. Ohh and remember that night we went camping while you were pregnant with my son smoking the weed next to the firepit?? You'll wish you didn't do this to me. Lets get this straight... this isn't about you... This is about the kids. MY kids. Separating them from a father who WANTS everything to do with them... and one day, they will find out the truth. They'll laugh at your lies and resent you. They'll be mad, that you ever tried to do this to their father. Even Alora.
I'm sure you're lawyer will document all of this and present it in court. In the same manner that grandmom did it to you when you were with me. Do you remember how much that hurt, to hear the words and thoughts you put down in a courtroom? I'm expecting it. Nothing less. But that's fine... I've got something you have no idea I've got copies of. I've got emails about how you would forge Birth Certificates with Will's name on them, if you could get away with it. And that was only after 5 months after you left me. Claiming how he's a better father than me, when he knows NOTHING about me. I told you, I will win. I will always be their father... and no matter how much you try to extinguish me, I'll come back fighting for them. I love them. Or do you not realize that. I love them more than I love myself. I have no soul without them. You sucked it all away, just like John Gilcrest used to claim... he was absolutely right. You'll never take them away from me.
You've got nothing on me. I am clean, hardly drink except for the one night you came back to the store... which, I'm a fucking adult. I'm not even close to being an alcoholic or anything of the sort. I'll have a new apartment soon, REAL soon. A car... I have a job... pay for their insurance... I'm a hell of a lot better off than you give me credit for. And I did it all without you, under the stress you've put me under and all without seeing my children. I'll show you what I'm made of, come April 23rd. You'll regret ever fucking with me like this. Breaking every promise you ever made to me. I will come out on top. Mark my goddamn words. I will always fight for them. They deserve better than you.
~John
I've lost so much. I feel empty being without my children and for the last month Alora hasn't said anything to me at all. It kills my soul, that every memory I have ever had with her, I have to somehow ignore right now. She's calling a new man daddy and seems to have just forgotten about me. 6 years and being her father... and for what?
I got court papers. I was expecting them eventually anyway. I didn't want to be the one to file, even though everyone kept telling me to beat her to the punch. I felt like it was giving her a proverbial black eye. I know it's for the kids and that's it. At least that's the frame of mind I am supposed to be in. But, I can't help but try to be as nice as I can about all of this. Accommodating and understanding. I've gotten mad before... hell yeah... and why not? Look what's happened? This person I trusted everything with has proven to me, how badly she just wants to fuck me over. Withhold the kids, tell lies, just to leave unscathed... to act like I was never there.
She's filing for SOLE custody and supervised visitation. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me? Why?! Why should you go on making every decision about our children, without me? Why should I have supervised visitation when both YOU and I know, that I've always taken 110% better care of the children than you ever have. Why do I now need to change who I am, to make sure you don't continue to walk all over me? Why do I need to do this, just to go with something that should be absolutely basic in their lives?
I'm not holding back. I'm coming at you with everything I've got, since you're just trying to erase me. You'll see a side of me, that I don't even want to see. I'm going to bring up every moment with you that made me question your integrity. The times you bought acid, smoked weed and your records of drug and alcohol abuse while you were pregnant with Alora. Ohh and remember that night we went camping while you were pregnant with my son smoking the weed next to the firepit?? You'll wish you didn't do this to me. Lets get this straight... this isn't about you... This is about the kids. MY kids. Separating them from a father who WANTS everything to do with them... and one day, they will find out the truth. They'll laugh at your lies and resent you. They'll be mad, that you ever tried to do this to their father. Even Alora.
I'm sure you're lawyer will document all of this and present it in court. In the same manner that grandmom did it to you when you were with me. Do you remember how much that hurt, to hear the words and thoughts you put down in a courtroom? I'm expecting it. Nothing less. But that's fine... I've got something you have no idea I've got copies of. I've got emails about how you would forge Birth Certificates with Will's name on them, if you could get away with it. And that was only after 5 months after you left me. Claiming how he's a better father than me, when he knows NOTHING about me. I told you, I will win. I will always be their father... and no matter how much you try to extinguish me, I'll come back fighting for them. I love them. Or do you not realize that. I love them more than I love myself. I have no soul without them. You sucked it all away, just like John Gilcrest used to claim... he was absolutely right. You'll never take them away from me.
You've got nothing on me. I am clean, hardly drink except for the one night you came back to the store... which, I'm a fucking adult. I'm not even close to being an alcoholic or anything of the sort. I'll have a new apartment soon, REAL soon. A car... I have a job... pay for their insurance... I'm a hell of a lot better off than you give me credit for. And I did it all without you, under the stress you've put me under and all without seeing my children. I'll show you what I'm made of, come April 23rd. You'll regret ever fucking with me like this. Breaking every promise you ever made to me. I will come out on top. Mark my goddamn words. I will always fight for them. They deserve better than you.
~John
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I miss you so.
I've spent more time lately, living with pain than being happy. Remember, thousands of moments that I'd gladly give a bodypart to live over again. Many things I seem to forget, but others I remember as if they happened yesterday. It's difficult to stay motivated about anything, when I can't remember what I want to stay motivated for. It's a slow process to take this all to court. I know why. It's me.
It's not that I don't want to see the kids. I miss them so horribly much, it causes me to cry some night after I get off the phone with them. I haven't talked to Lori for a month and I cannot for anything figure why. I miss her, but still have connection with the kids. I know I could end all of this, by fighting... but I can't. People don't seem to understand how it is, to fight against someone I NEVER dreamed, I would have to. I never thought I would be in the shoes I am in now. That my children would be knowing Will as daddy or anything else that's going on in my life, that's slowly taking away any life I have left.
I never imagined... even as all this was falling apart in my hands, that this is what I would be left with. Anger would be my only motivation for all of this. Love for my children is... don't get me wrong... but that's not who I'm up against. It's the woman I made this family with. And while there's still love... it won't in any way drive me to get this done. It'll break me down. It'll destroy my integrity, like it destroyed my dignity. It's so very hard, to say to myself that I will go against you.
How do I do it?
Why do you make me do it?
~John
It's not that I don't want to see the kids. I miss them so horribly much, it causes me to cry some night after I get off the phone with them. I haven't talked to Lori for a month and I cannot for anything figure why. I miss her, but still have connection with the kids. I know I could end all of this, by fighting... but I can't. People don't seem to understand how it is, to fight against someone I NEVER dreamed, I would have to. I never thought I would be in the shoes I am in now. That my children would be knowing Will as daddy or anything else that's going on in my life, that's slowly taking away any life I have left.
I never imagined... even as all this was falling apart in my hands, that this is what I would be left with. Anger would be my only motivation for all of this. Love for my children is... don't get me wrong... but that's not who I'm up against. It's the woman I made this family with. And while there's still love... it won't in any way drive me to get this done. It'll break me down. It'll destroy my integrity, like it destroyed my dignity. It's so very hard, to say to myself that I will go against you.
How do I do it?
Why do you make me do it?
~John