What was that? Holy shit.

Wow...  I just want to start off that way.  Wow.  Now, this post, isn't going to be the same as the usual stuff goes.  Nothing has really changed on my perspective about Kendall...  But, why ruin a good mood, talking about how I miss a person who has literally destroyed me and is trying to erase me from her new life.

I don't want to use her name.  Not Kendall's...  the "Wow" woman.  We'll just keep it that way for right now.  I'll have to be vague too, but still describe it enough to read this and remember how awesome it was.  Now, I've known this wow woman for a long time, but never pursued anything with her other than our friendship...  and while I've thought about it, I never thought it was possible.  We went dancing.  I drank, probably more than I should have.  I let her drink and drive which is the dumbest thing I've done in a long time...  had I been more coherent.  We got back to her place, talked for a while and then she thrust herself onto me and starts making out with me.  Then immediately the shirt and the pants come off.  I can't remember how aggressive I was, but I know that she was the more aggressive one there.  Things went to the bedroom.  And more cloths came off.  She wanted to fuck.  Totally.  Whispering it in my ear, taking the pants off...  Wow.  Right?

I don't know why.  I'd like to think it was partly because I was pretty intoxicated... and also because I wanted to move a little slower than this.  Not at all for my sake... but hers.  I don't want her to do something and then somehow regret it later.  So I slowed things down...  tucked her into bed and fell asleep on the couch.  Well, not completely nude.  But from the waist down.  Hmmm...  We woke up.  She "can't remember" what happened the night before.  And went about it, I guess like it almost never happened.  I wish that wasn't the case.  I find her irresistible and just wish there's a different way to go about this.  Can I fix this, in some way that will allow me to pursue her without it getting weird or have we passed the point?

Does she see anything in me?  She knows I'm pretty damaged, as she has gone through something similar.  But, is there anything that could come from it and if there is, how do I get to that point?  I guess the only way to find out is to pursue her.  Not immediately of course... but soon.  :)

But...  Wow.

~John

Now, I'm 30.

  Nothing new but the age.  Still wrestling with the thoughts in my head.  None of which are bad or malicious.  Mostly, just how I miss Kendall.  How, I still can't imagine my life without her, or trying to do this alone and remembering the voices of my kids who I miss very much.  The last couple of times on the phone with them hasn't been easy.  A few nights ago, the girls called me...  I answered, knowing it was Kylie right away.  She said, "Hi Daddy" which drew the biggest smile on my face.  I answered back and started to talk.  She strayed from the conversation in which I could hear Kendall say "Talk to daddy"...  Kylie answered "Ok Will."  2 more times, she called me Will.  She said "Love you Will" and I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  My daughter...  my flesh and blood, calling me Will, this new daddy.  I started to cry and couldn't even maintain my voice over the phone to talk to Lori.  I did the only thing I could do.  I hung up.

I cried for about 30 minutes...  remembering EVERYTHING I've had to go through lately and now hearing this.  I always thought my kids would know me.  That they would know who their father is, just as I knew who mine was...  but already, 4 months gone and Kylie can't even remember.  It's heartbreaking...  I know it's not her fault, but how else can I deal with this?

It happened again last night.  She mistakenly called me Will.  Again, it drew tears... but I didn't lose it until I got off the phone.  Sarah was there to hold me this time in which I couldn't even speak.  Just cry.  I couldn't even breathe...

I never thought that being a father, I'd have to endure these feelings...  that I would only be jealous of the person I love deeply.  But, now, I'm jealous for my kids and envious of the new man they call daddy.  I know somewhere inside of me, this just isn't right.  That despite my wrongs, I never did anything to have to live through this.  Forced, to literally give up everything I love and watch it walk away from me.  It kills my soul.  It literally kills my soul.

Despite the pains of my birthday...  the nightclub was good.  The party was better and Sarah spend my birthday with me, baked me a cake and held me when I needed it... all on a day I had hoped would be spent with my children.  And still, with all these great things around me...  I only wanted 1 thing for my birthday.  Kendall.

Kendall to tell me she loves me.  Misses me and wants to make a family with me again.  That she believes in me and knows that I'm a good man who would do anything for her.  To remember all of the great times her and I shared and that the only reason her and I got through our hardest times, were because we had each other.

This year, I'm probably not going to get that present.  Maybe next year.

~John

No way to go...

  It's been some time.  It's surpassed the time that I thought it would take to get over you in the slightest sense.  I'm not more forceful...  I'm not more ignorant or filled with this uncontrolable rage.  I am hurt.  Still from the fact that you are no longer in the love with the man you made a family with.

I write this, all in the middle of a party, that is to define the ending of my late 20's.  Something I had always imagined you at.  Holding my hand, smiling into my soul.  Loving me, as you always have.  But every place, I imagined, I would see you, you are abset.  Lost, amonst my hopeful memories.  You should be here...  but your not.  And in the end, it's because of me.

How do I know what love is...  It's this.  Still, deep inside of me, I miss you throughout my days.  Still stuck with the mistakes I made.  The pain I feel daily without you, that I am just supposed to smile and nod about.  I am not okay...  I am not alive without you touching me and telling me it'll be okay.  But, will anything change?  No.

My birthday, my life...  forever lost without the soul I fell in love with.  The one my mind thinks about constantly when it's not thinking about the children, I've been part of daily.

Just empty.  Will it go away, I'll never go away.

I want to be with you, because I love you...

  It's weird how long it's been without Kendall.  I still think about this daily, as I am left with this emptiness that only reminds me, how much I love her.  My words have become anger lately.  It's hard to hear the things she is saying to me, which only somehow get worse and worse.  This person who used to be in love with me... started a family with me and change my life forever, has a grasp on my heart.  I truly don't want to let go.  Not that I can't...  I'm sure I can.  But, I love Kendall.  I love everything about her.  I always have and I always will.

  But, if I am ever going to have a chance again in Kendall's life... I need to make some big changes soon.  I need to somehow learn to get over this ordeal.  Maybe not directly in myself, but definitely how I project myself everywhere else.  I am afraid...

  I need to put my balls on.  I need to act like a man and work to achieve something more...  after all, Kendall somewhere, still loves me.  Somewhere in her heart, she still thinks and remembers me.  And somewhere, she misses me.  She's saying hurtful things and pushing me away, but that's possibly a front.  While, I'm sure she has feelings for Will, deep ones... she knows that she created a family with me and somewhere deep inside of herself, she wishes it could be that way.

  I need to promise myself this.  I need to fulfill this, to have her see me as a different worthwhile man.  One worthy of her love.  I need to stop being desperate and get back to being me.  I need to hide the pain and learn to overcome.

  I can do it.

  5 things...

  1.  Work and not be afraid to work.  Earn money and save.  Fix the financial issues.
  2.  Don't get angry.  Relax, breathe and stay calm.
  3.  Don't go back to the past, unless it relates to something immediate and important.
  4.  Move on.  Date.  Stay single, but committed.
  5.  Keep your head up.

My empty heart...

Time has passed since I saw you last,
I wish nothing more than to be in your arms.
You were my wife, you were my life...
I never meant to do you harm.

I've shouted it.  I've yelled it.  This emptiness, I cannot hack.
I've cried it.  I've tried it...  just to get you back.

I'm LOST!
I'm HURT.
Too fast, you're gone.

I cry!

Some thoughts before bed...

  It's coming up on 6:15am, soon.  I haven't slept.  I know it seems ridiculous, but...  I just can't get Kendall out of my mind.  I still love her...  with every ounce within me.  Even though realization has been kicking in, of what she's done to me, us and the kids... with this leap...  I still love her.  I still want to love her.  I want to win her back, if only I knew where I could begin.  She's been my whole world... and in a lot of ways, she's right.  She's right about her not being able to depend on me.  And not that it's an excuse... but things had been changing.  She was rarely home, so of course she didn't see it...

  I think about this situation and how I'm supposed to and allowed to react.  A lot of people say, I have a right to be mad.  That I'm being too considerate and kind about all of this.  They're probably right.  But, this involves the woman who gave me my children...  while, I've hardly held my tongue before... I will now.  I don't want to have to regret things I said.  The things she is saying now... she'll regret one day.  The many times I can count, where she's hurt me, almost intentionally.  Degrading me...  even accusing me of "playing" the victim.  It's true, to some degree that I am a victim within this situation.  My wife surprised me with "I don't love you...  I'm leaving you and keeping the kids...  He's moving in with us...  He's part of my family now..." all within 3 months.

  I don't think I'm playing anything.  I think I am being honest, COMPLETELY honest with myself, my children, Kendall, my friends and anyone from the outside.  Yes, I am seeking an ear...  a perception or opinion...  but, I'm not lying or embellishing anything.  I'm not playing any game.  I'm not trying to win her back, while wishing for it.  I just love her.  I can't control that...  I can NOT say "I love you"... but acting like I don't is impossible.  I will always love Kendall and wish that I can be her husband.  It's a dream I've had for so long.  I'm genuinely sad about all of this.  Afraid, constantly of the next worst thing.  When she'll marry...  will she have his baby...  will she ever come back to me?  If only I could change overnight.  If only I could make her see, how she means the world to me.  How she always has...  I know I failed...  But there are so many things I succeeded in.  I just wish I had my chance to win my family back.  The only thing that truly mattered to me.  To be back in Kendall's arms.

  This is going to be harder than I expected.  Falling out of love.  Believing in so much...  what do I believe in now?

  I miss the kids.  God, do I miss my kids.

~John

Will not welcome...

  I tried.  I tried to be mature about this.  To try and relax and to overlook that my whole life has been falling apart since Kendall told me that she's not in love with me anymore.  What does a man do?  Am I supposed to pick up the pieces immediately and just jump back into being single and alone, with a smile on my face?  Sure, to some degree, it's easier than it was in the beginning... But some things just aren't.


  Kendall claims I'm acting like a victim.  There's some truth to that, because there's some truth to me being the victim.  While, I'm trying not to be an over-emotional pussy right now... I'm at a loss with all of this, all because of Kendall's decision.  I've lost my wife... and my family, who is now being raised by a man they barely know and will never know as their father.  I've LOST everything in my life, except my family (which isn't as great as it sounds) and the ability to live here at Dave's.  I've watch my life get taken away from me, while people cheer her on for whatever reason.

Go Kendall!!  Say hurtful things!!
Destroy this mans soul, more than you already have...
Lie and cheat on him, he deserves it.  Replace him.

  That's really what they're telling her to do and she's justifying all of it, with the idea that I was just completely horrible to her.  Always...  I ruined her opportunities and took advantage of her.  I was just holding her back.  She settled on me...

  How cold can you be?  Where's the love and understanding...  the compassion I thought I saw in a person, who's obviously gone...  to justify it this way?  I can't understand how I ever believed your bullshit lies.

  Sure, I'm the master of many fuckups in our relationship...  but this?!?  Are you fucking kidding me?

Mornings...

  I would have to say that the most difficult part about any of my days, since all this happened, has been my mornings.  For 5 years, I woke up everyday, surrounded with children, a beautiful wife, things that were "ours" and a good day to look forward to.  Now, I wake up and I am alone.  It's silent and I just lay in bed and think...  sometimes for hours.  I try to go back to bed usually, just so I don't have to lay there and think... but it hasn't worked once yet.

  I have the urge to call Kendall.  To text her... to write her... something.  I realize it's over and that there's nothing I can do about it.

...Interesting...

...  I haven't had much to talk about in the last week.  It seemed I was running in circles, constantly thinking about Kendall every turn I went to.  And why wouldn't I be?  But something odd has happened, that I never saw coming.  Sarah (Sally) Webb.  Yeah, John... you remember.  The cute young lady you had paint your nails blue for a kiss when you were a kid.  Ooooohh the gay moments in life...

  So, she sent me a message a little less than a week ago.  Maybe last weekend...  she had apologized to me about our past, which has always been shaky.  Her and I haven't spoken in 7 years, but finally... in the midst of my world crashing down around me...  she had broken her silence and talked to me.  Me, being the kind of guy I am... I listened, understood and returned.  In the week since, we've joked, reminisced and thought about everything that has made us, us.  We talked about our lives now and the things and changes that her and I have both endured over the years, that we've lost contact.  It's been a very odd week indeed...  and to top it all off...  I've felt better than I've felt in months.  I've laughed more than I thought I could...  and I embraced her.  Her friendship at the least, has been something I have needed.

  I don't know if this means I am ready.  I don't know if it means I am losing for what I feel for Kendall...  and if I will be able to admit it right now.  I don't know what tomorrow brings, though I know that the children will be visiting and hopefully Sarah will be staying overnight (again...)

  Ohh, I guess I should explain that.  She came over yesterday.  We hung out all day, laughing and discussing our worlds and how we've changed.  I made an awesome spaghetti dinner and we spent the night, watching movies and cuddling.  We stayed up all night.  Talking...  caressing one another and just falling into a vulnerable state between the both of us.  Bright and early in the morning, I finally did it...  I moved in the kiss.  A kiss I've had a few times before, but felt very brand new.  We kissed throughout the night, which was awesome.  A person who can kiss and enjoy it for all of it's worth.  I didn't let it go further than that, because I don't know how far I am able to push myself, beyond everything that has happened to me recently.  Despite the occasional female swap that Kendall had asked me to do... the only person I felt okay having sex with was Kendall.  The idea of someone else so quickly, isn't what scares me...  but the idea I could hurt someone elses feelings over an urge in my pants isn't enough to do something without thinking about it, or being ready for any of the consequences that are to follow any actions that take place.

  I'm human.  Not perfect... make mistakes...  but I'm working hard to become more of an adult and controlling my actions so that I'm not making a million mistakes.  I care about Sally...  always have.  We just had a conflict of perception in our past...  which seems to be a growing trend in women I meet.

  It's been a good day.  A strange one, but good never-the-less.  Makes me wonder, how to cross the paths in my life and still retain a piece of who I am and what I am capable of.  Can I change like I need to?  Can I be someone worthwhile to someone who wants to love a good man?  After Kendall and extending myself as the same home father, she wanted me to be... I question if I am capable.

  I had a job interview a few days ago... and will have a phone interview for Monday.  Hoping all goes well.  Wish me luck.  Until another day.

~John