I avoid writing in here, everything I want to write in here. It's been 5 months and while I could go on and on and on about my changes... It's not why I write here. It's a release. Almost a way to talk to you, without talking to you.
I'm no different than the last 3 years that I've spent Christmas alone. I hide, shelter myself from the joy and excitement that goes on around me. Bury any Christmas spirit in the fact that you're not here and neither are they. It's amazing how 3 years I ago, I never would've imaged during Christmas, that I'd be very alone. I never saw any further than my box and those that I thought would be in it forever. Considering divorce rates, I shouldn't be surprised... but, I am. I guess I had really believed that you were the only one for me. It takes 2 to think that way though... and I was unaware and confused when it all came to light. Immediately, every memory flashed before my eyes and the want to be closer to you was stronger and at the same time weakening me.
I still think about you every day of my life. It's so painful to even think about, that most of the time I am doing what I can to ignore it or get past it. As I said back in April... I really do wish I could erase my memory. I wish I could erase you as you erased me.
I'm beyond the stage of bitterness and a love that will never die nor never bloom. I am beyond the level of missing everything and more or less, questioning if I ever really knew you. I mean, let's get over the fact that you're not with me any more. Something I've had to swallow hard on and still I wish it wasn't true. But... what you did with the kids... well... that speaks for itself. You took a dad that loved his kids and made him disappear. Just like you wanted. You moved far away, broke all of your promises and did everything to lie and deceive me the whole time. When there's never been an ounce within our 6 year (5 years and 10 months) relationship that deserved that. Maybe some stretching of the truth... but always honest, even when I knew you'd raise your hand to me.
You can't blame the pot, when you were such an advocate for it for years, not to mention the environment I met you in. Let-a-lone try to explain to the children that the smokers they see commonly on the streets in Seattle... that's why you left and took them from their father. It's ultimately my fault to giving up... for dying as their dad and not keeping up with my hopes and dreams. I am utterly ashamed of myself because of it. But... and a big but... I didn't just get here by myself. I was pushed. I was pulled. I had court against me while I sat alone, praying that the courts wouldn't take away the people I loved most. I had, being alone in that court room... on my shoulders. No husband... or his family that came in to stick up for a woman that was cheating and lying the whole time. Making stories and tales up about a man who never put his hands on his "wife" in anger and passing them throughout the community, like it's a justifiable reason to cheat. I had you... the person I loved the most... hating me. And for what?
You took my life Kendall. And everyday when I wake up... that's what I realize. I gave you all I had. My trust, my patience, my love... and well... I don't have it anymore.
Merry Christmas
~John
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
I couldn't begin...
I've been realizing more and more as time goes on, how significant my life was. How important my children were... the feeling of lost and hopelessness that takes over when I think of you. I'm confused in what ways, I didn't show enough love. I have dreams that constantly reply the night everything happened. I still wake up some nights, almost expecting you to be there. I've said it before... I know... but still, it happens. It still has yet to fade.
More than ever I miss the kids. I realize, I could end this distance I've accepted by moving to Seattle. That I could call. That I could skype. But more than that, I realize that you want me gone. You want me to disappear. So I am.
Father's Day this year was very difficult. I couldn't do anything but remember my first Father's Day with Alora in Bellevue Park. The pen you gave me along with the framed picture of me holding Alora. I had remembered, meeting you... the risk I took loving another man's child and trusting you. And now, I am lost... because you've shown how easy it is for you to take that away. To take a child, I see as much as my daughter, as I see Kylie and Johnathan. I couldn't begin to explain to you, how much I miss them. How much I think about them daily, in everything I do. How much I wish they would remember everything about me. I'm their daddy, but you've made sure that I'm not anymore. I couldn't begin to explain to you, how much my whole life I wanted children... and having them with you was a blessing. Until you ended it. Until you cheated, lied and tore my world apart. Until you flipped the world into believing the worst out of a pothead like me... a loving father and "husband"... suddenly became the worst thing, after you met "him". How you could turn the children against me. How you could use them to hurt me, just like you wanted to. How you could hand over my family and live this life, happily ever after... that you started with someone else.
I couldn't begin to explain the hell I went through for you. The fights I had, just to be by your side. The people I fought against, because I loved you... and did all I could to prove that.
I couldn't begin to explain to you... how hard it is to not love someone, who instinctively you want to love. You've told for many years you've loved and meant every minute from the first moment I said it. I couldn't begin to explain the torment my heart and mind has gone through, as you've done everything to get what you want out of all of this, promising everything and delivering on nothing. I couldn't begin to explain how tired of crying, I am. How tired I am of loving someone, whom seemingly never loved me, if she guided this fate this way. I couldn't begin to explain how exhausted I feel, confused and careful. How lonely and afraid I am... to even try again with someone new.
I couldn't expect you to understand one single word of any of this. To know how any of this feels. To watch all of it unravel at your feet and watch literally all the things you love... the best things in your life, to go away.
I couldn't get you off my mind if I tried. And I have. Besides, erasing my mind... I am stuck with memories with you, that remind me every day how amazing and in love I was with you. Skinny dipping, karaoke, nightclubs, drinking, camping, watching you give birth to my children. How I wish I could give those memories back. To someone more deserving of them.
I couldn't imagine... thinking this way my whole life. Which seems to go by faster each year...
I can't imagine... missing you one day more. But, I will. I will until I don't anymore.
I don't want to do this any longer. I'm not crazy. I loved someone with everything I had... and well, now... you have everything I love. If there was a reason to go crazy... I'd say that would be good enough. But instead, I'm just giving up.
I'm just giving up. You win.
More than ever I miss the kids. I realize, I could end this distance I've accepted by moving to Seattle. That I could call. That I could skype. But more than that, I realize that you want me gone. You want me to disappear. So I am.
Father's Day this year was very difficult. I couldn't do anything but remember my first Father's Day with Alora in Bellevue Park. The pen you gave me along with the framed picture of me holding Alora. I had remembered, meeting you... the risk I took loving another man's child and trusting you. And now, I am lost... because you've shown how easy it is for you to take that away. To take a child, I see as much as my daughter, as I see Kylie and Johnathan. I couldn't begin to explain to you, how much I miss them. How much I think about them daily, in everything I do. How much I wish they would remember everything about me. I'm their daddy, but you've made sure that I'm not anymore. I couldn't begin to explain to you, how much my whole life I wanted children... and having them with you was a blessing. Until you ended it. Until you cheated, lied and tore my world apart. Until you flipped the world into believing the worst out of a pothead like me... a loving father and "husband"... suddenly became the worst thing, after you met "him". How you could turn the children against me. How you could use them to hurt me, just like you wanted to. How you could hand over my family and live this life, happily ever after... that you started with someone else.
I couldn't begin to explain the hell I went through for you. The fights I had, just to be by your side. The people I fought against, because I loved you... and did all I could to prove that.
I couldn't begin to explain to you... how hard it is to not love someone, who instinctively you want to love. You've told for many years you've loved and meant every minute from the first moment I said it. I couldn't begin to explain the torment my heart and mind has gone through, as you've done everything to get what you want out of all of this, promising everything and delivering on nothing. I couldn't begin to explain how tired of crying, I am. How tired I am of loving someone, whom seemingly never loved me, if she guided this fate this way. I couldn't begin to explain how exhausted I feel, confused and careful. How lonely and afraid I am... to even try again with someone new.
I couldn't expect you to understand one single word of any of this. To know how any of this feels. To watch all of it unravel at your feet and watch literally all the things you love... the best things in your life, to go away.
I couldn't get you off my mind if I tried. And I have. Besides, erasing my mind... I am stuck with memories with you, that remind me every day how amazing and in love I was with you. Skinny dipping, karaoke, nightclubs, drinking, camping, watching you give birth to my children. How I wish I could give those memories back. To someone more deserving of them.
I couldn't imagine... thinking this way my whole life. Which seems to go by faster each year...
I can't imagine... missing you one day more. But, I will. I will until I don't anymore.
I don't want to do this any longer. I'm not crazy. I loved someone with everything I had... and well, now... you have everything I love. If there was a reason to go crazy... I'd say that would be good enough. But instead, I'm just giving up.
I'm just giving up. You win.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Somewhere I shouldn't have gone...
It's been 2 years, 4 months and 25 days since I've slept next to you... And still I haven't been able to get a full nights sleep. We spent the better part of 6 years only being apart once, more than 24 hours... when I was in the Army at A.P. Hill. The only other time I recall, is the day you punched me in the face and I went and stayed at Jason for the night... when you called me crying to make sure I was okay. Even in those times of you being so completely mad at me... you've never done, what you ultimately did to me.
Not a single day has gone by, where I haven't thought about you. Some days I miss everything I once knew about you. Other days, I am so completely upset and mad that you've done this to me. You've taken away the things that were most important in my life. I've grown to understand why you felt the need to run. It doesn't make it any easier, but harder.
I'm left here with a thousand memories with you. Memories, that I wish I was lucky enough to forget, like so many of the girlfriends I've had... have forgotten so easily. And as the years pass... you'll continue to forget more. You'll forget that I loved you with all my heart. That I never left your side and that I did anything that you wanted me to. That you, besides my children were the most important and amazing person in my life. I wish I didn't have to live with this hurt and pain being without you... but it was worth it to be with you.
It's been a while, so I needed to say that.
My life has been a mess lately. My relationships with friends have fallen in many degrees to areas, I never let happen before. I've grown bitter and mad at the world. I've lost motivation. I've lost the feeling of being a father. Honestly, I miss that the most. I feel like life has become so dull, dry and gray since you've left... and each time I've tried to add life to it... it wilts in my hand. I have no stability, though I've completely quit pot. Haven't touched it in months. I know saying it won't make you believe it... but I just don't need it, I'm not around it... it's gone. Hopefully for good.
I've stayed away from my parents, as everytime I go... they drag me into depression and exhaustion. I was only ever there, because there was no where else to go. I made decisions to do the right things, constantly leading to the wrong thing. As I said before... I couldn't fight you in court. Even knowing what I know today and how this has all played out... I still wouldn't have the heart to try and keep the kids from you. To act, as if there was never anything at all between us. And in those moments in court, I never felt more alone. No one there, to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay... no one to keep pushing me, for literally it all. And you got it. My whole life... playing at your feet. Learning daily in school. Everything I hold dearest to me... is with you. Funny how that works, when it was always with you anyways.
Why am I going on like this...? I cracked open the broken hard-drive. Full of pictures I doubt you have... videoes of our childrens births... even pictures of the more personal adventurous selves... being completely vulnerable with each other in broad view of the camera... and no... I have never showed anyone.
I found myself, sobbing like I haven't been able to in so so long. It's been more than a year since I have been able to cry and let go. It's been more than a year, since I could allow myself to enjoyable look at your pictures and remember how amazing to me, you once were. And I miss it, though I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I still love you, though I know I shouldn't. I still dream about you... and some mornings, I awake with the impossible wish that you would be beside me. I forgive you, if you forgive me. For everything. I understand you, if you understand me... And I pray that one day, this will not continue to be.
I know I am not talking to the kids... but it's not because I don't love them. I love them more than I love myself... more than I love you. But, I need to take this time to better myself, until I can see them again. I need to take this time to fix the broken things in my life, since you've left. I need to fix the broken man I've become, as I'm hearing it more and more.
I am going to hang this up. I've said enough... but Kendall... I miss you. I miss you so ungodly bad, it hurts so incredibly much... I just want this pain to end. I want to feel alive again. I want this to stop.
~John
Not a single day has gone by, where I haven't thought about you. Some days I miss everything I once knew about you. Other days, I am so completely upset and mad that you've done this to me. You've taken away the things that were most important in my life. I've grown to understand why you felt the need to run. It doesn't make it any easier, but harder.
I'm left here with a thousand memories with you. Memories, that I wish I was lucky enough to forget, like so many of the girlfriends I've had... have forgotten so easily. And as the years pass... you'll continue to forget more. You'll forget that I loved you with all my heart. That I never left your side and that I did anything that you wanted me to. That you, besides my children were the most important and amazing person in my life. I wish I didn't have to live with this hurt and pain being without you... but it was worth it to be with you.
It's been a while, so I needed to say that.
My life has been a mess lately. My relationships with friends have fallen in many degrees to areas, I never let happen before. I've grown bitter and mad at the world. I've lost motivation. I've lost the feeling of being a father. Honestly, I miss that the most. I feel like life has become so dull, dry and gray since you've left... and each time I've tried to add life to it... it wilts in my hand. I have no stability, though I've completely quit pot. Haven't touched it in months. I know saying it won't make you believe it... but I just don't need it, I'm not around it... it's gone. Hopefully for good.
I've stayed away from my parents, as everytime I go... they drag me into depression and exhaustion. I was only ever there, because there was no where else to go. I made decisions to do the right things, constantly leading to the wrong thing. As I said before... I couldn't fight you in court. Even knowing what I know today and how this has all played out... I still wouldn't have the heart to try and keep the kids from you. To act, as if there was never anything at all between us. And in those moments in court, I never felt more alone. No one there, to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay... no one to keep pushing me, for literally it all. And you got it. My whole life... playing at your feet. Learning daily in school. Everything I hold dearest to me... is with you. Funny how that works, when it was always with you anyways.
Why am I going on like this...? I cracked open the broken hard-drive. Full of pictures I doubt you have... videoes of our childrens births... even pictures of the more personal adventurous selves... being completely vulnerable with each other in broad view of the camera... and no... I have never showed anyone.
I found myself, sobbing like I haven't been able to in so so long. It's been more than a year since I have been able to cry and let go. It's been more than a year, since I could allow myself to enjoyable look at your pictures and remember how amazing to me, you once were. And I miss it, though I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I still love you, though I know I shouldn't. I still dream about you... and some mornings, I awake with the impossible wish that you would be beside me. I forgive you, if you forgive me. For everything. I understand you, if you understand me... And I pray that one day, this will not continue to be.
I know I am not talking to the kids... but it's not because I don't love them. I love them more than I love myself... more than I love you. But, I need to take this time to better myself, until I can see them again. I need to take this time to fix the broken things in my life, since you've left. I need to fix the broken man I've become, as I'm hearing it more and more.
I am going to hang this up. I've said enough... but Kendall... I miss you. I miss you so ungodly bad, it hurts so incredibly much... I just want this pain to end. I want to feel alive again. I want this to stop.
~John
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Woke up crying...
It's been on my mind all morning. A dream, that I wish I never had.
Kendall is in my dream, which is usual when it comes to dreams about the kids. Even in my dream, I can't face her. I want to cry almost immediately when I see her. The kids are there. So little, as I know they're not that young anymore. In the beginning of the dream, it's me... just asking to see the kids. To spend time with the kids in anyway I can. Then time passes, months, years. Will's out of the picture somehow and it's just her.
Fighting to see the kids is impossible.
I remember the last night in Baltimore. The fight we had because of the stuff I found. Finding out that someone you love, is loving another. I felt my life needing resuscitation then. And then somehow in the dream, I have the kids. The shoe is on the other foot. Kendall is knocking and crying at my door. She's banging on it, as she pushes the door with force. But I won't let her in. I won't let her see the kids. I won't let her touch them, hold them or her tell them that she loves them.
The neighbors hear. They're big. They're watching. She's screaming and I'm being an asshole. With intentions of cutting her out. She's crying and screaming like she was in Baltimore, when I went to get Johnathan from her arms. I hate it. I hated it. It makes me well up, even thinking about it. Baltimore was different. I never had intentions of withholding the kids from her. She's their mother... how could I?
I'm pushing her out my door in the dream. I'm saying the most hurtful and hateful things I can think of. I am fighting and pushing... I know, I'm not being fair. I know it doesn't have to be this way. But, I don't care. I want my kids. I want them so badly, I have to be this way to keep them. I'm not crying... because then, it would show my weakness. And far too much, have I shown that. The croud gets bigger, helping her. Trying to reason with me through a door of arguments. The kids are upset and I'm trying to calm them down. I send them to go play or lay down, but anything and everything to stay away from this. Even outside of this dream, this is the way I wanted it. Possibly the reason I didn't fight for them. I didn't want them to see me fight. I couldn't anyway. I still loved her. I couldn't... I just couldn't. I gave up long ago, holding onto any little thing I had.
People are helping her push the door open, ready to take the kids from me. I'm fighting with all my might and I'm overwhelmed. They rush in, she takes the kids and runs with them. There's no negotiations. There's no compromise. She takes them and runs.
I was up against my biggest fight last year and no one was there. I asked for help. I had hoped, someone would be on my side as even the wrong people are on hers. I am doomed to lose them. I am doomed to lose them from the start. I did nothing wrong except want to be their daddy. To continue on being a father. I love it and miss it. No one is there to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay. To pay my lawyer. To help fight against someone who is defenseless, weak and brokenhearted. I'm as alone as I am in my dream. The outcome is the same. My parents weren't there. And the one person who should have been there, is the person who filled my head with "soulmate". The who called me "baby boy". The one who listened to me, understood me and loved me once greater than herself.
This dream made me wake in tears. Ones that won't stop from falling. I've never been more alone. I guess I should have seen it coming. It would have happened one way or another. And the memories, love and nobility to try and do the right thing, didn't make a single difference. Promises that were quickly broken and how easily I was forgotten and made to feel like I was the real problem.
Despite what can be blamed... I didn't cheat. I didn't lie. I loved, up until the last moment I could. I didn't mistreat. I wasn't disrespectful. I didn't steal my family away from someone else who felt it was just as important to them as it was to me. I didn't give it to someone else so easily. I just finally gave up from losing. I finally threw in my towel, because she absolutely wanted me out of her life completely. Because, I fought too much to keep her, it only made her run more. I had never loved someone this way. To this degree of never giving up. But I did... cause I don't want to anymore. I don't want to even think about what's been done. I could never imagine doing this to someone I love or once loved. It's not in me. It's not possible, even if my dream says so.
I went to the Cardiologists yesterday. My heart is only getting worse and they're a little worried about it. He says the stress has been getting to me and that I need some medication. I refuse. I have this thing about pills I don't like... so I'm not going to take them. My release has been writing and crying. The only 2 things, I am really capable of doing without hurting someone else. I stopped talking to the kids. I'm ashamed of myself... but I'm crying more lately and I don't want them to see it. I hear her voice and I want to cry. I want to just talk to her... though I don't. I want to tell her I'm sorry for everything. That I was shitty to her and that my love wasn't enough. I want to get mad because of the distance. Lori is going to girl-scout camp in the summer. It's her way of making sure I never get Alora for the summer. I raised and loved Alora with all my heart. I can't bear the idea of her not coming along... so I decided that I am not taking Kylie and Johnathan. It wouldn't be fair. It's not fair to me.
I'm so ashamed of myself. How could I just give up on them?
I have to.
~John
Kendall is in my dream, which is usual when it comes to dreams about the kids. Even in my dream, I can't face her. I want to cry almost immediately when I see her. The kids are there. So little, as I know they're not that young anymore. In the beginning of the dream, it's me... just asking to see the kids. To spend time with the kids in anyway I can. Then time passes, months, years. Will's out of the picture somehow and it's just her.
Fighting to see the kids is impossible.
I remember the last night in Baltimore. The fight we had because of the stuff I found. Finding out that someone you love, is loving another. I felt my life needing resuscitation then. And then somehow in the dream, I have the kids. The shoe is on the other foot. Kendall is knocking and crying at my door. She's banging on it, as she pushes the door with force. But I won't let her in. I won't let her see the kids. I won't let her touch them, hold them or her tell them that she loves them.
The neighbors hear. They're big. They're watching. She's screaming and I'm being an asshole. With intentions of cutting her out. She's crying and screaming like she was in Baltimore, when I went to get Johnathan from her arms. I hate it. I hated it. It makes me well up, even thinking about it. Baltimore was different. I never had intentions of withholding the kids from her. She's their mother... how could I?
I'm pushing her out my door in the dream. I'm saying the most hurtful and hateful things I can think of. I am fighting and pushing... I know, I'm not being fair. I know it doesn't have to be this way. But, I don't care. I want my kids. I want them so badly, I have to be this way to keep them. I'm not crying... because then, it would show my weakness. And far too much, have I shown that. The croud gets bigger, helping her. Trying to reason with me through a door of arguments. The kids are upset and I'm trying to calm them down. I send them to go play or lay down, but anything and everything to stay away from this. Even outside of this dream, this is the way I wanted it. Possibly the reason I didn't fight for them. I didn't want them to see me fight. I couldn't anyway. I still loved her. I couldn't... I just couldn't. I gave up long ago, holding onto any little thing I had.
People are helping her push the door open, ready to take the kids from me. I'm fighting with all my might and I'm overwhelmed. They rush in, she takes the kids and runs with them. There's no negotiations. There's no compromise. She takes them and runs.
I was up against my biggest fight last year and no one was there. I asked for help. I had hoped, someone would be on my side as even the wrong people are on hers. I am doomed to lose them. I am doomed to lose them from the start. I did nothing wrong except want to be their daddy. To continue on being a father. I love it and miss it. No one is there to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay. To pay my lawyer. To help fight against someone who is defenseless, weak and brokenhearted. I'm as alone as I am in my dream. The outcome is the same. My parents weren't there. And the one person who should have been there, is the person who filled my head with "soulmate". The who called me "baby boy". The one who listened to me, understood me and loved me once greater than herself.
This dream made me wake in tears. Ones that won't stop from falling. I've never been more alone. I guess I should have seen it coming. It would have happened one way or another. And the memories, love and nobility to try and do the right thing, didn't make a single difference. Promises that were quickly broken and how easily I was forgotten and made to feel like I was the real problem.
Despite what can be blamed... I didn't cheat. I didn't lie. I loved, up until the last moment I could. I didn't mistreat. I wasn't disrespectful. I didn't steal my family away from someone else who felt it was just as important to them as it was to me. I didn't give it to someone else so easily. I just finally gave up from losing. I finally threw in my towel, because she absolutely wanted me out of her life completely. Because, I fought too much to keep her, it only made her run more. I had never loved someone this way. To this degree of never giving up. But I did... cause I don't want to anymore. I don't want to even think about what's been done. I could never imagine doing this to someone I love or once loved. It's not in me. It's not possible, even if my dream says so.
I went to the Cardiologists yesterday. My heart is only getting worse and they're a little worried about it. He says the stress has been getting to me and that I need some medication. I refuse. I have this thing about pills I don't like... so I'm not going to take them. My release has been writing and crying. The only 2 things, I am really capable of doing without hurting someone else. I stopped talking to the kids. I'm ashamed of myself... but I'm crying more lately and I don't want them to see it. I hear her voice and I want to cry. I want to just talk to her... though I don't. I want to tell her I'm sorry for everything. That I was shitty to her and that my love wasn't enough. I want to get mad because of the distance. Lori is going to girl-scout camp in the summer. It's her way of making sure I never get Alora for the summer. I raised and loved Alora with all my heart. I can't bear the idea of her not coming along... so I decided that I am not taking Kylie and Johnathan. It wouldn't be fair. It's not fair to me.
I'm so ashamed of myself. How could I just give up on them?
I have to.
~John
Monday, April 15, 2013
The understanding...
I did something I never thought I would do. I decided, that I simply cannot do anymore.
I didn't give up. But I did.
I didn't erase... but I am.
I'm doing exactly what you did. An operation that erased all the good about me. The things that you fell in love with first and then left me alone for. The things that created much of who I am today. 6 years of laughs, arguments, thoughts, dreams, ideas and complications that slowly consumed our lives. Nothing fades, regardless of the time that flies. While many things may takes its place, upon concentration of said things... I still feel little different. Am I awaiting for something to change all of this and at some point for you to somehow magically wonder back into my life? I doubt it... I don't even think I hope for it. I've accepted what is, to be what is. I've become mad and bitter at the constant feeling from the way that things have molded themselves into my life. Under the hardest drugs, I've never felt more disconnected than from myself. Perhaps it's no one elses fault other than my own. I am in control of me and my fate after, all right?
Still... when I close my eyes, my dreams cloud me. Always your hair. Your smile. Your impractical way of thinking. I'm past admiration. I'm past remembering how we became... though I still remember the first few moments of when we met. The first moments of intimacy and vulnerability. It' as if it were yesterday, I slept and today I am simply reflecting on what was. It's not 6 years ago to me. It's yesterday morning... and between the time of sleep to wake, a whole life happened before my eyes.
I went on a date Saturday. So much of her reminded me of you, yet... still things differed to the point where I found admiration for her easily. She was amazing... fantastic... and because my mind had a difficult time leaving you and the kids, she could notice this within me and realize that I have something that will be difficult for her to pass. Not my job, finances or anything relevant... but because she could sense the emotions of the kids and you, that have drained my smile and tainted everything I've ever come to know.
I don't blame you. Well, some things I certainly do. The overbearingness of emotion and impulsiveness. It reminded me so much of the women I dated when I was a kid. You ability to ignore whatever once was... to become a list reassured of things that used to be. The kids no longer think of me in the manner of father, but only know me as such through biological means.
I've been made to feel that the only way to come through this, whole, motivated and patient. though none of those things have a stone tablet. They're liable to chance as each days passes and they continue to fade with the age. Like a bad grape in wine. After 30 years of aging, it'll be unnoticeable. It'll be long and forgotten.
Also, by no means could I ignore such things. This is life and I need to do what I can to smile my way through it. Through the mistakes I've made and the ones that others have made for me. This is the fate, I didn't believe I'd ever have.
I gave up. I sent you a message that 2 years ago, I would have been ashamed of myself for. I quit. I let you win and wake from my life, what you wanted to take. I have tucked down the pride and created little than air, as it's outcome. It's quite the difficult thing to do. I always imagined myself as being moral and proper, extending to know what I claim to know.
I am not perfect. I know here my loyalties lie as I stride to find myself able to find an ounce of someone new. Who knows... I'm no expert and neither are you. I can only pray that the things that I do turn out for the best. That someone will understand them and give me the push I need to fight hither neither...
I loved you, but anymore I'm not sure what I do. I pray to be done... so erase what I have and go away with it. Provide it to someone willing to build my pieces. Alright with my inconsistencies and ignore the importance. Assume, she's different. Experience sun shines and rain. Imagine a work, where nothing is nothing... would you still think of me. Would it really matter?
Kylie. I love you. Amazing you'll always be in my eyes.
Johmathan, you share more than similarities.
Lori. I did my best. I love you. Forgive me.
This will be my end of trying. After this day, I'll be doing what I know I can do. So forgive me of my discrepancies.
I love you all... and never forget for a second that I am not thinking of you.
~John
I didn't give up. But I did.
I didn't erase... but I am.
I'm doing exactly what you did. An operation that erased all the good about me. The things that you fell in love with first and then left me alone for. The things that created much of who I am today. 6 years of laughs, arguments, thoughts, dreams, ideas and complications that slowly consumed our lives. Nothing fades, regardless of the time that flies. While many things may takes its place, upon concentration of said things... I still feel little different. Am I awaiting for something to change all of this and at some point for you to somehow magically wonder back into my life? I doubt it... I don't even think I hope for it. I've accepted what is, to be what is. I've become mad and bitter at the constant feeling from the way that things have molded themselves into my life. Under the hardest drugs, I've never felt more disconnected than from myself. Perhaps it's no one elses fault other than my own. I am in control of me and my fate after, all right?
Still... when I close my eyes, my dreams cloud me. Always your hair. Your smile. Your impractical way of thinking. I'm past admiration. I'm past remembering how we became... though I still remember the first few moments of when we met. The first moments of intimacy and vulnerability. It' as if it were yesterday, I slept and today I am simply reflecting on what was. It's not 6 years ago to me. It's yesterday morning... and between the time of sleep to wake, a whole life happened before my eyes.
I went on a date Saturday. So much of her reminded me of you, yet... still things differed to the point where I found admiration for her easily. She was amazing... fantastic... and because my mind had a difficult time leaving you and the kids, she could notice this within me and realize that I have something that will be difficult for her to pass. Not my job, finances or anything relevant... but because she could sense the emotions of the kids and you, that have drained my smile and tainted everything I've ever come to know.
I don't blame you. Well, some things I certainly do. The overbearingness of emotion and impulsiveness. It reminded me so much of the women I dated when I was a kid. You ability to ignore whatever once was... to become a list reassured of things that used to be. The kids no longer think of me in the manner of father, but only know me as such through biological means.
I've been made to feel that the only way to come through this, whole, motivated and patient. though none of those things have a stone tablet. They're liable to chance as each days passes and they continue to fade with the age. Like a bad grape in wine. After 30 years of aging, it'll be unnoticeable. It'll be long and forgotten.
Also, by no means could I ignore such things. This is life and I need to do what I can to smile my way through it. Through the mistakes I've made and the ones that others have made for me. This is the fate, I didn't believe I'd ever have.
I gave up. I sent you a message that 2 years ago, I would have been ashamed of myself for. I quit. I let you win and wake from my life, what you wanted to take. I have tucked down the pride and created little than air, as it's outcome. It's quite the difficult thing to do. I always imagined myself as being moral and proper, extending to know what I claim to know.
I am not perfect. I know here my loyalties lie as I stride to find myself able to find an ounce of someone new. Who knows... I'm no expert and neither are you. I can only pray that the things that I do turn out for the best. That someone will understand them and give me the push I need to fight hither neither...
I loved you, but anymore I'm not sure what I do. I pray to be done... so erase what I have and go away with it. Provide it to someone willing to build my pieces. Alright with my inconsistencies and ignore the importance. Assume, she's different. Experience sun shines and rain. Imagine a work, where nothing is nothing... would you still think of me. Would it really matter?
Kylie. I love you. Amazing you'll always be in my eyes.
Johmathan, you share more than similarities.
Lori. I did my best. I love you. Forgive me.
This will be my end of trying. After this day, I'll be doing what I know I can do. So forgive me of my discrepancies.
I love you all... and never forget for a second that I am not thinking of you.
~John
Friday, April 5, 2013
Where are you when I need you?
I've kept away from this journal for months. I'm debating if I can even publish this when I am done. But, I need to talk and this is the only way I can let out what I am thinking and feeling.
I went to the hospital today, after having a tightness in my chest. After about 45 minutes, I collapsed in the waiting room. I was seen immediately by a doctor. In no way, a ruse.
I've tried a thousand ways to get you out of my mind. I've lied to myself, even. I still love you, as much as I hate what you've done. My mind and body are constantly torn and still... I cry. 2 years and I am still broken.
The doctors told me that my heart is having lots of problems, though I have more tests to do over the next couple of weeks. Even though I saw both already in Christiana, they want me to goto a specialist. Cardiologists and a psychiatrists. It was hard to not cry in front of them as the fear built up in me. I could only think about being away from the kids... and I just kept imagining that you were there with me, holding my hand. I'm scared. I'm very scared in fact... neither had anything good to say, but say that tests will determine more. They wanted to admit me, but you know how I am with hospitals. I insisted that I leave as I could not imagine being in that room alone. It's driving me crazy...
I need to rest. My chest still feels heavy and my head is killing me. Where is the woman I knew? That pagen goddess I remember?
~John
I went to the hospital today, after having a tightness in my chest. After about 45 minutes, I collapsed in the waiting room. I was seen immediately by a doctor. In no way, a ruse.
I've tried a thousand ways to get you out of my mind. I've lied to myself, even. I still love you, as much as I hate what you've done. My mind and body are constantly torn and still... I cry. 2 years and I am still broken.
The doctors told me that my heart is having lots of problems, though I have more tests to do over the next couple of weeks. Even though I saw both already in Christiana, they want me to goto a specialist. Cardiologists and a psychiatrists. It was hard to not cry in front of them as the fear built up in me. I could only think about being away from the kids... and I just kept imagining that you were there with me, holding my hand. I'm scared. I'm very scared in fact... neither had anything good to say, but say that tests will determine more. They wanted to admit me, but you know how I am with hospitals. I insisted that I leave as I could not imagine being in that room alone. It's driving me crazy...
I need to rest. My chest still feels heavy and my head is killing me. Where is the woman I knew? That pagen goddess I remember?
~John
Thursday, January 10, 2013
2 years... goodbye.
It was 2 years yesterday, when my life began to fall apart. It's still an open, fresh wound... making it difficult to have motivation or happiness. I've died inside, over and over again.
I decided, that this is it. I simply can't keep coming back to you and reminding myself of everything I was ever lucky enough to do with you. Every kiss. Every fight.
The fact that I never thought about anyone else, but you. Once you were mine, you were my everything. I never wanted to be with another person. And now, no one compares. The women I date, don't last long... because they're not you. They don't have even the slightest ability to get me as excited and alive, as you made me feel. Which is why I need to stop this blog. I need to take the time, to let it go, just as I've ignored old letters, videoes, pictures and everything connected to you. It's why I've been distant with the kids, though it kills me inside. I understand I make my choices. You don't do that. I have the ability to be strong or tired. But to say that these events in my life hasn't affected me, would be simply a joke. It wouldn't be fair to say that I did this to myself. Life did this to me. The little and big decisions that I've made and others have made for me.
I haven't stopped thinking about you. I still notice you. I can't help it. I hope it goes away, just like everything else. I hope it slowly fades and becomes no more... because this is simply miserable. I have no flare. No happiness... I'm faking my smiles and choking back tears. And I'm so tired of living this way. I'm tired of "rehashing" (which you so eloquently put, just days after we ended.) I know that I made the decision to leave that night as it was unfolding, but learning about everything hurt me so unbelievable bad. I could not believe someone I loved, would hurt me this way. And it's only gotten worse since I found out.
I need to make changes, so I don't feel this way. So this is my last post about you. So I should get it out now and walk away.
You were the most amazing person I have ever come across in my life. My love was an addiction. I was proud to be with an intelligently beautiful woman. Why I wasn't as amazing in your eyes, is the most painful question to ask myself. I don't think I'll ever stop asking it. I don't know what will happen in the future between us or my children... but I wish that you were the same amazing person I once knew. I pray (to nothing specific) that our children aren't warped to thinking that their father was a bad man, as your father put in your heads. I loved them with all of my heart and you aswell. I didn't do my equal share and I lost you, losing them in the process. Had I known things were so bad, I would have done more. Had communication been better. I took on each situation to the best of my abilities. I love them and miss them very much... I always wanted to be a father and now that I am, I'm not... They are the greatest gift I have, and that I'd give up anything in my life for 5 minutes from them. I miss it all... the little things I did as a father are the things I miss the most. Bedtime specifically. I miss you singing to them, like I know you do every night. It will never be the same. I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry for all I've done. I'll keep trying my best, but this is goodbye blog. This is goodbye emotions and memories. This is goodbye to you my love. I'm letting it go.
~John
I decided, that this is it. I simply can't keep coming back to you and reminding myself of everything I was ever lucky enough to do with you. Every kiss. Every fight.
The fact that I never thought about anyone else, but you. Once you were mine, you were my everything. I never wanted to be with another person. And now, no one compares. The women I date, don't last long... because they're not you. They don't have even the slightest ability to get me as excited and alive, as you made me feel. Which is why I need to stop this blog. I need to take the time, to let it go, just as I've ignored old letters, videoes, pictures and everything connected to you. It's why I've been distant with the kids, though it kills me inside. I understand I make my choices. You don't do that. I have the ability to be strong or tired. But to say that these events in my life hasn't affected me, would be simply a joke. It wouldn't be fair to say that I did this to myself. Life did this to me. The little and big decisions that I've made and others have made for me.
I haven't stopped thinking about you. I still notice you. I can't help it. I hope it goes away, just like everything else. I hope it slowly fades and becomes no more... because this is simply miserable. I have no flare. No happiness... I'm faking my smiles and choking back tears. And I'm so tired of living this way. I'm tired of "rehashing" (which you so eloquently put, just days after we ended.) I know that I made the decision to leave that night as it was unfolding, but learning about everything hurt me so unbelievable bad. I could not believe someone I loved, would hurt me this way. And it's only gotten worse since I found out.
I need to make changes, so I don't feel this way. So this is my last post about you. So I should get it out now and walk away.
You were the most amazing person I have ever come across in my life. My love was an addiction. I was proud to be with an intelligently beautiful woman. Why I wasn't as amazing in your eyes, is the most painful question to ask myself. I don't think I'll ever stop asking it. I don't know what will happen in the future between us or my children... but I wish that you were the same amazing person I once knew. I pray (to nothing specific) that our children aren't warped to thinking that their father was a bad man, as your father put in your heads. I loved them with all of my heart and you aswell. I didn't do my equal share and I lost you, losing them in the process. Had I known things were so bad, I would have done more. Had communication been better. I took on each situation to the best of my abilities. I love them and miss them very much... I always wanted to be a father and now that I am, I'm not... They are the greatest gift I have, and that I'd give up anything in my life for 5 minutes from them. I miss it all... the little things I did as a father are the things I miss the most. Bedtime specifically. I miss you singing to them, like I know you do every night. It will never be the same. I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry for all I've done. I'll keep trying my best, but this is goodbye blog. This is goodbye emotions and memories. This is goodbye to you my love. I'm letting it go.
~John