No Title

Normally, I know the title of what I want to talk about, before I talk about it.  I put it up first, almost always...  but tonight, I am stumped on a title.

I didn't really think I would be typing at this time in the morning.  I should be in bed.  I'm tired enough to be in bed, so why can't I sleep...  Well... the answer is why I am writing in my journal at 4 something in the morning.

You.

After a year and half of a living hell...  I still playback everything you've said.  Before... and after all of this.  I think about everything before it was over.  When you were all I knew in my world.  Our family.  I think about all the things you ever told me.  Soulmates.  Getting old together.  I can honestly say, that there was never a second or time... when I questioned, if I wanted to be with you.  I knew it from the moment I met you, that you were something special.  Something I needed in my life.  I play back the births of our children, when I held your hand as your brought them into my world.  I cry, when I think about it... because with those moments in my life, I never imagined that you'd be gone today.

I must have been horrible.  I must have made you disappointed in me.  I must have been the scum of the earth, for you to fall out of love with me.  For you to hold that knowledge from me, until you filled your heart with someone elses love.  I must have been a disgusting human being, for you to deny me, time with our children.  To keep Alora from me, any means necessary.  You must have hated me, wanting to cut me out of my own life.  Wanting to change their birth certificates, so Will was their father.  Encouraging them to call him "daddy".  You must have dispised me, flaunting Will in my face while I brokedown.  "He knows Russian"  "I gave him anal."  You must have wanted to hurt me, if you broke every promise you ever made to me.  If you took me, out of our family.  Cast me away and claim, I'm unfit as a father.

When did you love me?  When was the last time you needed me to tell you, I love you... or can you remember?  Do you sleep sound at night, knowing?  Do you think of me at all... or am I Mike?

God Kendall...  I never saw it coming.  I knew it was hard on us.  I knew life, had this way of constantly kicking us in the teeth.  But never, did I equate that it would be connected to how you felt about me.  I stuck through it with you, dealing with the hard too and I never felt any different.  I never needed someone else.  I needed you.  It's the only thing I thought I would ever need... and sometimes, despite everything to this point...  I still feel that way.  How am I going to make it the rest of my life, without the person I love with all my heart.  The only person I've ever asked to marry me, had children with and considered closer family than a single family member of my own.  I still know you, better than you know yourself.  Sometimes, I wish I didn't... and other times, I'm glad I do.  It reminds me, how much I loved you... to want to know every little thing about you.  To know how intelligent and persistent you are.

I never knew, you weren't in love with me.  I didn't know, until you told me in the bathroom...  3 days before you left me.  3 days, before I woke up at 2 in the morning with you no longer in bed and a message on your phone to a guy, you'd never met... 9 days after you sent him videos of yourself, that you sent to him from my parents house... while I slept in bed with our children.  You hid it from me, knowing what laid in store.  A letter, where he would secretly come and meet you, by plane.  He loved you... and you loved him.  And I was just there, to watch it all fall apart.

Every moment I ever spent with you.  Every thought and memory.  Every word you've said, throughout all the years... feels like it was for nothing.  I said it before...  It's felt like you died, when you left me.  But you're not dead.  Making it so much harder than grieving over a loved one would provide.  You've removed yourself from every aspect of my life.  And I've been forced to watch you move on, instantly... with someone new.  Replacing me.  Getting pregnant.  Get married.  Take the kids slowly from me.  Have your new baby.  To talk to me through a lawyer.  It has been... the most impossible thing in my life to deal with.  Something, not even others have gone through before...  so I have no one to talk to or relate.  Most people can't even believe it.  I can't.

I knew you better than anyone... and even while I know the bad...  I never considered it that.  I loved you.  I took the bad.  I accepted it, just as I did the day I met you.  That's what you do, when you love someone.  You accept it.  I saw all the great in you, as I wish you had done for me.  I saw your intelligence.  I adored you because of it.  I saw your love for me, which didn't really seem to go away like you said.  Christmas as Nana's was the first time you pushed me away, ever... and even then... there was still a night when all of us, sat in the living room and I held you for a while.  I never stopped loving you.  I don't know if I ever will... and I don't think that replacing it with hate, would change it.

I don't know if I ever want anyone else again.  I gave you all I had.  Every ounce of me.  I never held back.  I've tried...  but, I just don't think I can do it again.  I'm so lonely... and still so crushed.  I don't want to propose to anyone else.  I built up so much to do it to you.  I still remember it so clearly.  Was Will as surprising and special with his proposal?  Did he ask your dad's permission?

It's rhetorical.  It doesn't matter.  I just sometimes wonder...  did I ever do anything right?  Do you ever think about me?  Is there any ounce of you, that still loves me?  Tell me that NYC, was as amazing to you... as it was for me.  Tell me something... anything.  Please.  Please, just stop my crying.  Hurt me more, if you have to... just so I don't feel this way.  This completely lost feeling.  I am completely lost without you.  I miss you so much.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to cry and think and ... anything.  It's just so fucking hard.

I sound so pathetic.  The tears build up, roll down my cheek and I think of everything I wish I could ask you, in front of me.  I wish I could put my hands on your shoulders, pull you in tight for a hug and kiss you with the passion that's been burning away in my heart.  I wish I could show you, how wrong you are... for believing and telling me, that I didn't love you enough or at all.  I wish you had given me a second chance to prove how different I could have made our lives, rather than giving up on me... the one and only time.

I wish I had a picture of you, where I don't breakdown in tears and sob for hours over.  I wish I could tuck my children into bed, stand beside you and sing goodnight songs.  I want to hear the "Dark Song".  I want to hold your hand.  I want you back, so badly...  that I'd amputate my legs, if I knew it would happen, knowing  I would never walk again.  I would gouge out my eyes and be blind, if it meant I could reach my hands up to your face and feel your lips love me.  I wish...  I wish, I wish, I wish...  I had 1 more hour with you.  I'd give my entire world for it.  I've given so many tears... I wish they amounted to something.  But you'll never read this with the pair of eyes you once had.  You'll cast off with disbelief and maintain your ground.  I never loved you... right?  And that's why you never loved me.  That's gotta be the answer.  Right? 

I don't know if I'll ever get the answers.  I don't know how much more of this, I can take.  Waiting... for you.

So until then, I'll keep writing...  and crying.

~John

My Vault

  Is essence, that's what it is.  It's just a storage unit, but still...  it houses my treasures.  I have to goto it today.  For the last year, I've avoided anything having to do with it, because it has everything from Kendall.  And as things progressively got worse and worse, I wanted to see it less and less.  A lot of things are from the move out of Dave's.  Which had a lot of her pictures, memorabilia, mother's things and a bunch more odds and ends.  Things that people would want to keep.  When it ended... which I don't know any other way to explain...  I felt responsible for trying to keep some integrity and do the right thing.  I was crazy over losing Kendall, especially the way I did... but thought we'd always remain somewhat close.  We always were tied to one another with the kids.

  Now they are gone and she is gone.  And I'm left with a unit full memories, I'm unsure if I could handle right now.  I just can't believe how this has all happened.  I can't believe I lost someone so important to me.  I still miss her so much.  And I wish I didn't.  I'm honestly, tired of crying.  I'm tired of questioning, was she my "one"?  Because, I knew the answer...  I knew I would love her and she would one day, stop loving me.  It was a fear.  And as, we grew together... that fear grew.  Losing her...  losing her and the kids.  Losing everything I loved.  I thought about it a few times.  If her and the kids were driving and would get into an accident.  I would call, just to know they were okay.  Or ask for updates, so I would know if something took longer than it should.  I knew, how it would feel... to lose my family.  But, I didn't know it would be like this...  I didn't know that it would be so much harder than  I ever imagined. 

  I never considered us soulmates.  She would say it all the time and I would believe it... but I could never say that I gave her my soul.  I sold my soul to have Kendall.  Someone who would brighten up every ounce in my day.  She was my greatest.  And so are the things she gave to me.  But, in the end... it would never be the thing I asked for.  She thought gifts were the way to my heart... but it was always the little things.  She bought me flowers a few times.  She'd do something special.  We'd spend our lives together and smile, while surrounded with the kids. 

  And all of these memories, sleep in that vault.  I haven't been able to keep a straight face with this letter.  I'm isolated, just so I can comfortably cry.  I felt the need yesterday in the car, just knowing that I'd have to go through clothes, pictures and memories.  The kids, already are so big.  They've grown so much... that I wonder... why am I still crying?  When will I stop?  I miss the kids...  I really miss my kids.

~John

 

So I punched him in his eye.

  He standing there.  We're arguing and she's packing things to take the kids away.  I can feel the emotions welling up inside of me.  He talks as if, he knows me... but all the things he's been told are basically lies.  Lies to change who I am and who he is.  A glorified hero.  A glorified desperate measure to get out of the life that was so hard.  She replaced me.  In all the areas that she could get you to replace me.  She doesn't love you anymore than she loved me.  You're just the next step.  A chapter... which, if you knew anything about her family... you'd know it's a short step.

  I cock back my arm.  I feel it so tense, like a paper could break it if the wind was strong enough.  I push it forward with all of my might.  I can feel the tears, waiting to come out the second there's contact with his eye and my fist.  Plow.  He's shook up.  Good.  That's how I've felt for the last 2 years of my life, while I watched this asshole take everything away from me.  He talked to her more than he should... she talked back, more than she should...  she couldn't just end it... leave me... be single.  She had to walk into another mans arms.  She's not as strong as I thought, but very weak.  Very incapable of doing it on her own.  No logical thought.  Just selfishness.  Forced the kids to move so far away.  Far from those that love them.  All for her selfishness.

  She's in shock.  I don't think she's ever seen me strike anyone like that.  Ever...  Never have I raised my fist to another human being in her presence...  not even her.  Sometimes, I should have...  but I've opened my mouth before and I ruined it for her in the process.  So, this time... I did it for me.  I told him the things I needed to tell him as he held his eye in disbelief.  "Those are my children.  I love them with all my heart.  Don't ever fucking forget it.  You can keep her... she's only ever done me wrong, while I loved her with all my heart."

  Yeah... so what.  It was only a dream.  A dream, I have never felt more alive from.  I woke up feeling so refreshed.  I literally jumped out of bed.  And that NEVER happens.  I feel great.  Not because I punched someone, even in my proposed dream.  But, that I stuck up for myself.  Which I wish I could have done in real life.  I was more in a state of shock when she left, the way she left.  It was like I never mattered.  And it's definitely like that now.  All those nicknames she's calling him, she called me.  All those things she tells him, she told me.  I still know her better than he does.  I still remember a million things about Kendall, though I wish I could flush them all down the toilet.  I just want to say, how hard it is to stop loving someone.  It's almost impossible.

  Small victory in my dream.  Thanks for giving me one...

~John

Too much sometimes...

  Nothing has been constant in my life for a while now.  It's been such a mess...  And I'm getting exhausted.  I still play back the entire situation, over and over in my mind.  I try to block it out, because of the mood it puts me into.  Sometimes, I still want to cry... sometimes I just want to be left alone.  I've stopped reaching to friends.  It's not gone.  I swallow hard and just tell myself to get through another day.

  I spent 6 years.  6 years, by your side every day.  And, waking up to another day not by your side is depressing.  I play back every moment together and regret little.  Baltimore wasn't easy on us, but never did I question you're love for me.  Especially not after NYC.  I felt closer to you.  We weren't relying on anyone... it was just us.  I never thought or knew you weren't in love with me anymore...  and I definitely had no idea about Will.

  I read the letter that night and just shook.  I couldn't handle it, finding out that you were loving someone else and I had no idea about it.  How could you not know, I loved you?  I was by your side, every step of the way. 

  It shocked me so painfully, I haven't snapped out of it.  I still wish you were with me.  I still miss you with every ounce of my soul.  I don't know if I could ever be with you again... but, I would have given anything to not have this happen and to still be by your side.  Pregnant... Married...  Were you over me that quickly?  Did I mean that little to you...  or did you honestly believe that you meant that little to me?

  So many questions.  So many things I wish I could say.  How, could you hurt me this way?  How can you hurt someone who loved you with every breathe...?

  I miss the kids.  I miss them so much, I get sick thinking about them.  How I can't hug them or be their "daddy".  I can't see my daughter on her first day of school... and unless I plan something special, I probably won't be there for my sons 3rd Birthday.  HOW?  How am I the one losing, when I've been morally right, this whole time.  I've reacted.  You left.  I reacted.  You took the kids.  I reacted.  You kept the kids from me.  I reacted.  You moved away.  I reacted.  You made all the decisions that went against every promise you made to me.  You've lied to people about me.  You've lied to yourself.  You turned me into someone else, just so you could hate me.  I never laid my hands on you in any manner that was abusive.  I loved you... why the hell would I do that?  Even after the times, you've stepped over the line.  When you would physically hurt me?  Punched me dead in the face and I did little.  I still remember that day.  You punched me.  I walked out.  By midnight that night, you were calling, crying and apologizing.  I loved you and almost instantly forgave you.  Sometimes, that was us.  We're both too much alike.  But, I would have never done this to you.  I always imagined you in my life, getting old with me.  You were my fate.

  Now, you're the only reason I cry.  You're the only reason, I feel empty, insecure, tired and worthless.  You're the reason, I have such heartache and pain.  You're the reason I have 200 memories, I wish I didn't have.  You're the reason I hold in, not saying "I love you" anymore, when I do.  You're the reason the kids are far away from their father...  missing him horribly.  Or can you not see that?

  I still... just don't know what to do.  It's so hard to see you.  To see pictures of you.  I opened a video game case and found a photo from "Believe It or Not".  We're both sitting on beams with hardhats and kissing.  I just fell to pieces.  I couldn't keep it together and cried for 1/2 an hour.  It wasn't even that long before you left me.  7 months and you were gone.  How?...  How??

  I never ask God for anything...  sometimes, I could completely careless about him as I assume he does to me.  But, if there's anything I would ask him...  it's that I can stop feeling this way.  To stop crying and wishing for something, that'll never happen, never come true.  To let go of this feeling that only I have ever had, since the first day I met you.  Since you gave birth to my daughter, as I watched her grow in your belly.  Since you gave birth to my son... and again, I watched him grow and was filled with so much joy.  I have the videos of them.  I have the pictures.  I have the clothes.  I have their life or what it once was.  I was a great father...  I know I was.

~John

I still cry.

  Amongst many of the feelings I have gone through in the last almost 2 years...  I am still lost.  I'm still in shock.  I still cry, dream and think every day of my life, about you.

  Tonight was triggered thanks to Marissa.  She posted a video of your birth with Will.  And I just cried.  It felt like, Johnathan or Kylie...  seeing those emotions and almost hearing your cries as you gave me my 2 kids.  Remembering that I have never left your side in almost 6 years.  I while, we fought, I never loved you a day less than the others.  That somewhere, along the way... you lost your love for me.

  I was where, Will was and is.  And I still don't know why.  Why have you called me names, taken my children and my life.  You took my family away and still, I don't have a reason why.  I've been part of your life, through your 21st birthday and both births of our kids.  I've worked, cooked and cleaned.  I have held your hand and been a shoulder for you to rest your head on.  I've never been dishonest.  I've never hurt you, more than you've hurt me.

  Why...  did I lose?  Why did the most important thing in my life, walk out the door without a second thought or chance to fix our life.  Why didn't you ever talk to me and tell me the problems and issues in our life or your fears?  Why did you just abandon me?

  Will I ever know?

  Will you ever know, how much I loved you?  How I've missed you...  How I wish some days you would just leave my thoughts?  How I wish you were more honest to me...  You hid the truth.  You lied.  You cheated.  You broke my soul.  You made me believe we were soulmates.  You made me trust you, while you slowly took my life from me.

  I still cry.  I still get so upset and crawl into a corner to be left alone.  I still go through the thousands of memories in my mind, where you are there smiling at me... wondering... when you'll be back.  Did you know this would happen to us?  Did you know everything that would happen when you left me?  Do you regret the decision you made?  Do you miss me?  Even a little?

Arg.  Fuck.  Goodnight.

~John

The bad...

  It's taken me a long time to accept what has gone on.  Things that I haven't seen or just surprised me.  I'm often reminded, why my life has become what it has become.  Someone else made you smile, in a time I made you cry.  What has followed has only been something that has made me cry everyday of my life in some degree or another.  I forgot, exactly what it is, I loved so much about you.  Why...?

Why?  Because, I've been accustomed to replacing that love, with things that have only hurt me.  The bad...  You're slutty ways.  I read it in your journal.  One, of which I hold in my possession, when you left this town with literally nothing but our children.  Journals that hold all the secrets of you.  You're words, spoken on paper, which I read, shortly after you left... as Dave and I were leaving the home you just about grew up in.  Grew up with me in.  You were messing around with other guys.  When you brought Will to my home, like it was no big deal.

Was I insecure?  Yes.  Absolutely.  You brought a man, that you claim to love over the internet and hardly in person... to the place where we raised our children.  Where you began initiating this "daddy" complex with.  The beginning of this journal. 

But, that's not the bad.  The bad, is how I have begun to see you.  I no longer see you in the same light as I once used to.  The same love and admiration, I spent years building for you... which wasn't the same in your eyes.  Somehow... just the opposite.  I begin to speak lately, as if you are the bain of my existance.  I didn't realize until today, that this is how I have begun to speak on your behalf  and in no way, do I like it.  I miss loving you...  but it seems the only way to get through this properly is to begin hating you.  To purposely forget, everything that was so fantastic about you.  This is in turn, exactly what you did to me.  You got to a point where you ridiculed me.  You laughed at me from the background as you took everything I loved away... because, well... you didn't love me anymore.  I have no other way.  You won't allow me to talk to you like an adult.  Like the friend you thought I would be when you ended this...  you won't give me an ounce of lee-way as you took everything from my life, including our kids... including Alora.  Which seems, that you cannot stop the way she sees me.  I am her father, blood or not... and it must burn you up inside to see that you still considers me as such.  In a time, when you constantly encouraged it to the point of belief.  In her eyes and in your own.  Does it bother you that I want a relationship with her?  That I loved to you to such a degree that, I took something that soley came from you and made it mine too...  I did raise her.  I did love her no different... no little, no more than my own.  I love her, like I love them.  She is mine... and the way she talks to me, even after 9 months of not talking to me has proven, I've made a place in her heart, much the same as I once made a place in your heart.

I speak the bad.  I talk about you in a way, I am in no way proud of... but ashamed.  Very.  How could I act this way, about someone I sadly... still love.  That I would drop my life for and accept in a moment... all of the inconsistencies as I once accepted you for.  You were in no way perfect...  and neither was I.  But, I still loved you with all my heart...  and this is the only way I can rid that idea.  Stuff it away and forget.  That's what you want... isn't it?

~John