There are a lot of emotions and feelings that I harbor for Kendall. She, just like me is full of faults and issues. One of them, being the need to push onto others. It happened with her and I in the beginning of our relationship. I knew it even then... but with this amazing person, I allowed it. I allowed her to take the control she wanted.
Alora... is not my biological daughter. She is only connected to me, through mannerisms, personality and memories. But honestly, I don't see her any differently then I see Kylie. Johnathan, I see differently than both the girls... but I think it has to do with 2 things. Things I can relate to... Thanksgiving... And him being a boy. :) I don't love him anymore than the girls, but just happier knowing I have a son. I love all 3 of my children. I miss them very much right now. More than I could even begin to type...
Despite my relationship with the kids, it was often something that I took on because I was handed or made to tend to them in some form or another. Even upon Kendall and I's first encounter... she plopped a baby in my lap and went outside to smoke. I allowed it often, because I wanted to get to know her better. Kendall pushed her feelings onto me quickly too. I tried my hand at a few other women at the time, just to weigh my options a little as bad as it sounded. Kendall's aggressiveness scared me a little in the beginning... so I just wanted to make sure before I dove into the pool. After spending a lot of time, I made my decision to stay with her.
Even through our roughest times, I was there by her side. The times that she would cry, I'd hold her. I cared and loved her greatly. It was hard sometimes to have to go through such hell... but I couldn't have chosen a better woman for it.
But later, I took on more of a prolific role for the kids. I spent days and nights; teaching, playing, painting and games. I invested a lot of my personality and love into everyday with them. And when she ended it, I almost knew that, that would be the end of me.
It feels like it is. I'm sure even now, Kendall is convincing Will to play the daddy role, if he hasn't taken it upon himself. I'm sure she steamed the idea. She told me I would never be replaced and here I am, being replaced as the one thing I should never be replaced as... Daddy. I wasn't a bad father. I probably wasn't the best... but I don't ever think I was a bad one. I've my share of mistakes... and I've invested moreso than my mistakes, into improving myself as a father. From a man who was smoking every 2 hours - to once a night, even under depressive states. From sleeping a lot - to waking up in the morning, every morning.
I have changed a lot over the years. While there are things I regret doing in my past... I've allowed it's experiences to change me for the better. I was growing up a lot and I just don't think Kendall was around enough to see it. Despite her major flaws and drawbacks... I still love her. Which is why, I am still keeping my distance at this point.
I wish I didn't have to. But I hate hiding inside what I am feeling. And that's what I have to do when she is around.
~John
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Shorter than I thought...
I thought that the last time I would see the kids would have been last Monday. I took them to the park and tried to make the visit short, because of how I have been reacting to Kendall. I'm sure to her my behavior is annoying. She feels that everything is so perfect for her. Her new life without me, is going to be perfect. Will is perfect, which erases me out of the picture. I'm not perfect. I'm flawed. But, still in love with Kendall. Still head over heals for that woman, who walks into my door like a beauty goddess and lightens my life up, at the same time as killing my soul. I want to hold her and hug her and take advantage of the time I get with her again... but, I also want to run away and cry, knowing I can never earn back her love for me.
And all the while, I keep the hope that drives me. She will see someone new in me and fall in love with me again one day. I don't want anyone else... I don't. I want friends and companions. But, I want back my wife. My love... the woman who gave me my beautiful children. I want her to understand how big she was to me in my life.
Time will tell I guess. I put in 5 years, it's been not even 3 months. It's going to take time, but one day... Something will bring Kendall back into my world. And I will patiently wait, like I promised. I might date... I might have a girlfriend, but I doubt I'll let myself get anymore serious than I have with Kendall.
Anyways, before I get off topic. I had only planned on seeing them last week. I called them once or twice during the week and that's when Kendall dropped it on me. She is working on Monday/Tuesday, basically can I take the kids. So, I extend myself, praying that I don't have to. Not for the children sakes, or by their cause... but to keep that distance that I need to keep from her, in order to get to a point where I am comfortably control myself. She almost put me in a position, that I couldn't say no. Citing "John, their your children".
She was supposed to let me know and never did. Until the morning of. And she happened to catch me in a very odd mood the next morning. Woke me up, had a pain in the butt (among other things)... almost immediately took my boner to a hot bath and talked to Kendall on the phone. I asked her for a sexual favor. Man did that strike a nerve! I don't think that I meant it the way it came out. I honestly was just hoping for a picture or a video, considering I deleted mine off my phone. I don't think I was thinking properly and I'm pretty sure I offended her. I didn't mean to. Or I should say I wasn't thinking straight. It came out, I was being over-honest and geez... I think I am paying for it.
Nevertheless, despite the fact that she gave me almost last minute notice, I ended up taking them for one night. And she guilted me into it too. Citing again... "John... they are your children..." Almost forcing a meeting between us.I really didn't want to. We tiffed some and she called me selfish. Man did that piss me off. I hung up the phone, I sent her a text... telling her that I thought it was messed up that she would call me that and told her to find someone else. After mulling it over all day, I apologized for my "sexual favor" remark... and offered my hand again. I did not want to see her... I mean, I do... but, I didn't. And she forced it onto me.
I had an awesome time with the kids. I really did miss them. We didn't do anything out of the norm, but it was really nice having them here. The only downside to having them here is two things. 1... They had to leave... and 2... They smell like Kendall. The smell that drives me wild. The one I was lucky enough to wake up every single day and smell on her scent. For it to swarm me in the way that it did... to remind me of lovely and death at the same time. Dorian came with her... which I know why, but don't need to say. And today when she picked the kids up, CJ came with her. It was weird at first... probably, because he's never seen her and I react this way to one another. I shook his hand and just tried to be nice, but also wanted my space which she still seemed to consume as much of it as she could. And still... after helping her while she was stuck in a tight situation... I still never got a thank you.
I guess I should be used to it. She always had a hard time saying it to me before. Why should it be any different now. I guess she believes, that she's doing me a favor by allowing me to see the kids or to drop them off. I guess that's what I get for being the guy she felt she had to "settle" for. I just wish for 10 minutes, she could feel what I feel... see what I see and live, how I've lived... To wait on her hand and foot, love her, accept her faults and to fight until the bitter end. I guess wish she could see... but she's too blind now.
Perhaps another time.
~John
And all the while, I keep the hope that drives me. She will see someone new in me and fall in love with me again one day. I don't want anyone else... I don't. I want friends and companions. But, I want back my wife. My love... the woman who gave me my beautiful children. I want her to understand how big she was to me in my life.
Time will tell I guess. I put in 5 years, it's been not even 3 months. It's going to take time, but one day... Something will bring Kendall back into my world. And I will patiently wait, like I promised. I might date... I might have a girlfriend, but I doubt I'll let myself get anymore serious than I have with Kendall.
Anyways, before I get off topic. I had only planned on seeing them last week. I called them once or twice during the week and that's when Kendall dropped it on me. She is working on Monday/Tuesday, basically can I take the kids. So, I extend myself, praying that I don't have to. Not for the children sakes, or by their cause... but to keep that distance that I need to keep from her, in order to get to a point where I am comfortably control myself. She almost put me in a position, that I couldn't say no. Citing "John, their your children".
She was supposed to let me know and never did. Until the morning of. And she happened to catch me in a very odd mood the next morning. Woke me up, had a pain in the butt (among other things)... almost immediately took my boner to a hot bath and talked to Kendall on the phone. I asked her for a sexual favor. Man did that strike a nerve! I don't think that I meant it the way it came out. I honestly was just hoping for a picture or a video, considering I deleted mine off my phone. I don't think I was thinking properly and I'm pretty sure I offended her. I didn't mean to. Or I should say I wasn't thinking straight. It came out, I was being over-honest and geez... I think I am paying for it.
Nevertheless, despite the fact that she gave me almost last minute notice, I ended up taking them for one night. And she guilted me into it too. Citing again... "John... they are your children..." Almost forcing a meeting between us.I really didn't want to. We tiffed some and she called me selfish. Man did that piss me off. I hung up the phone, I sent her a text... telling her that I thought it was messed up that she would call me that and told her to find someone else. After mulling it over all day, I apologized for my "sexual favor" remark... and offered my hand again. I did not want to see her... I mean, I do... but, I didn't. And she forced it onto me.
I had an awesome time with the kids. I really did miss them. We didn't do anything out of the norm, but it was really nice having them here. The only downside to having them here is two things. 1... They had to leave... and 2... They smell like Kendall. The smell that drives me wild. The one I was lucky enough to wake up every single day and smell on her scent. For it to swarm me in the way that it did... to remind me of lovely and death at the same time. Dorian came with her... which I know why, but don't need to say. And today when she picked the kids up, CJ came with her. It was weird at first... probably, because he's never seen her and I react this way to one another. I shook his hand and just tried to be nice, but also wanted my space which she still seemed to consume as much of it as she could. And still... after helping her while she was stuck in a tight situation... I still never got a thank you.
I guess I should be used to it. She always had a hard time saying it to me before. Why should it be any different now. I guess she believes, that she's doing me a favor by allowing me to see the kids or to drop them off. I guess that's what I get for being the guy she felt she had to "settle" for. I just wish for 10 minutes, she could feel what I feel... see what I see and live, how I've lived... To wait on her hand and foot, love her, accept her faults and to fight until the bitter end. I guess wish she could see... but she's too blind now.
Perhaps another time.
~John
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Re-occuring...
I went through some old letters in my Yahoo... I was surprised to see a letter from Lola (Laura) a girl I had a relationship with for about 7 months. She was a really good friend, before we ever started our relationship. We haven't spoken once in 6 years. I went through this conversation I had years ago with her sister, just after our breakup. It sounded so much like the same bullshit I am hearing now. Well, was hearing.
Is that just my luck? I mean, I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but do I only meet women who are going to dump me in the meantime? And I change... quite a bit between relationships, constantly trying to be a better newer guy. With Katrina, I was very romantic, devoted and loving. Lola, much of the same, but changed slightly. Now Kendall, who I truly believed to be my wife, my better other half. Someone who is/was just as damaged as I was. It feels like a horror movie. Constantly being attacked by your fear. Loneliness and abandonment. And wishing, dreaming and praying for something never makes it come back. It's a bullshit love story cliche. Real life is full of painful heartache and disappointment in love. But there's always a turn-about. I just don't know when it's supposed to happen... but soon, things will change. I don't know how easy it'll be or the outcome... but it'll get better as it feels like it's getting worse. My feelings are long and lost for Lola. Once in a while I peered at the idea, but because I had someone like Kendall in my life, I never dwelled on it. Kendall though, is going to take some time. And Will, probably will not last forever as she predicts. But by then, I don't think it'll matter. I will always love her though. I will always see her, in my children. And I will love, being in love with her still then.
Turning 30 is just around the corner. It's amazing that I don't have a CLUE on what I am going to do for my birthday. Hope I figure it out soon.
My trip was cool. I spent a good amount of time partying and getting it all out of my system. Dana and James were awesome hosts and I couldn't be more thankful for their help. It's nice to be back at home and got to get back to business. Finding a job!
~John
Is that just my luck? I mean, I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but do I only meet women who are going to dump me in the meantime? And I change... quite a bit between relationships, constantly trying to be a better newer guy. With Katrina, I was very romantic, devoted and loving. Lola, much of the same, but changed slightly. Now Kendall, who I truly believed to be my wife, my better other half. Someone who is/was just as damaged as I was. It feels like a horror movie. Constantly being attacked by your fear. Loneliness and abandonment. And wishing, dreaming and praying for something never makes it come back. It's a bullshit love story cliche. Real life is full of painful heartache and disappointment in love. But there's always a turn-about. I just don't know when it's supposed to happen... but soon, things will change. I don't know how easy it'll be or the outcome... but it'll get better as it feels like it's getting worse. My feelings are long and lost for Lola. Once in a while I peered at the idea, but because I had someone like Kendall in my life, I never dwelled on it. Kendall though, is going to take some time. And Will, probably will not last forever as she predicts. But by then, I don't think it'll matter. I will always love her though. I will always see her, in my children. And I will love, being in love with her still then.
Turning 30 is just around the corner. It's amazing that I don't have a CLUE on what I am going to do for my birthday. Hope I figure it out soon.
My trip was cool. I spent a good amount of time partying and getting it all out of my system. Dana and James were awesome hosts and I couldn't be more thankful for their help. It's nice to be back at home and got to get back to business. Finding a job!
~John
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Can't stop writing her...
I'm torn between saying I love you and I don't want anything to do with you... I've been saying "I love you" for 5 years and never once did I regret the decision it led me to. It created this family. I don't want anything to do with you, is something I've said once or twice in really heated arguments. However, in no way did this reflect on my deep feelings. At the time, it just felt like I needed some space. She would say things that would cripple me and I would say that and want to run.
Saying "I love you" is all I want to say to her now. Before bed, before I leave a room, before I hang up the phone... I can feel it burning in my stomach and almost forcing it into words. But they don't come out anymore. Not something I like admitting... Not because I can't... but because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will lose a person I considered my best-friend. Someone who I knew all too well and someone who knows me all too well. Someone who I adored and loved, everyday of my life with her. Saying "I love you Kendall" is all I want to say. Without regret. Without remorse that I said it... or the idea that she thinks I'm a coward for saying it. I'm not a man in her eyes, because I'm not a man right now... I'm a boy, without my wife.
She's with the children right now at Nana's. She was supposed to drive back today, but because of the weather may end up staying another day. Which means, I won't get to see the children tomorrow. I leave on Tuesday and Kendall knows that, at least the little bit I told her. I didn't tell her for how long or to where, because it's not really any of her business. But, also because I want her to dig information out of me. She's been doing that lately, actually... not all the time, but once in a while she'll pry and ask questions about me and mine. I just wish she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loves me. That I am the one that can make her happy and that she would give me another chance again.
Sure... it's probably a fantasy... but it's better than hell right now.
I miss the kids. I really miss the kids. This is the longest they have ever been without me, that they can remember... and I really just miss their presence. I wonder if they miss me too? Do they need me in their lives?
Saying "I love you" is all I want to say to her now. Before bed, before I leave a room, before I hang up the phone... I can feel it burning in my stomach and almost forcing it into words. But they don't come out anymore. Not something I like admitting... Not because I can't... but because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will lose a person I considered my best-friend. Someone who I knew all too well and someone who knows me all too well. Someone who I adored and loved, everyday of my life with her. Saying "I love you Kendall" is all I want to say. Without regret. Without remorse that I said it... or the idea that she thinks I'm a coward for saying it. I'm not a man in her eyes, because I'm not a man right now... I'm a boy, without my wife.
She's with the children right now at Nana's. She was supposed to drive back today, but because of the weather may end up staying another day. Which means, I won't get to see the children tomorrow. I leave on Tuesday and Kendall knows that, at least the little bit I told her. I didn't tell her for how long or to where, because it's not really any of her business. But, also because I want her to dig information out of me. She's been doing that lately, actually... not all the time, but once in a while she'll pry and ask questions about me and mine. I just wish she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loves me. That I am the one that can make her happy and that she would give me another chance again.
Sure... it's probably a fantasy... but it's better than hell right now.
I miss the kids. I really miss the kids. This is the longest they have ever been without me, that they can remember... and I really just miss their presence. I wonder if they miss me too? Do they need me in their lives?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
A trip...
I made arrangements about a week ago, to get out of here for a bit. For how long, I am unsure about... I'm going to take a lot of well needed time away, so that I can somehow (and I really don't know how) fall out of love with Kendall. <---It's probably the most disgusting sentence I've ever written. Making myself fall out of love with a person who has meant the world to me. I just know that I think about her all the time. I still yearn for her love... and I'm never going to get it again. It shatters me to see the look in her eyes anymore and to hear the things she says out of her mouth. It kills my soul. It pushes me further down into my own personal hell. To have to relive something that I have feared for a long time...
She'll never come back to me, despite where and how I change. I need to do it anyways and try to pick my broken life up off the floor. I lost her. If only she could see, without being blinded by the love of another. See the changes I have made within me... how devoted I was to her and how I adored her and everything she did. While, I argued and said a lot of hurtful things in the very end, I can't help that most of it was all due to the fact of what was going on around me. What Nana had said to Kendall and eventually what she had said to me. What Will's involvement and whatnot, had done to me. It scared me, even on the first day of the new year. Hearing this secret she would have kept from me... Seeing messages from him that said he "missed her". I might never have over-reacted if things were done differently or didn't end the way they did.
Will is my replacement. He's better than I could ever be... of course I lost. But he'll never look at Kendall with the admiration that I have in my heart and eyes for Kendall. Seeing her give birth to my children, provide unconditionally for her family and the love that was really there between us. He'll never see that in her. I will... He'll never understand her and the issues she has come across in her life. I do... her and I are too much alike in that respect. Our pasts are very similar. We've gone through some hard shit in our pasts... and I understand her because of that. He won't or can't.
I miss her. Everything about her too... dumb stuff. Stuff not worth mentioning. Even little things like her voice, which sings like an angel, even when she's putting me down... I'm still excited to listen to her voice. Sometimes, I wish she would sing a bedtime song just to put the loving tears in my eyes. To give me a little of the amazing woman she was. Even something as little and simple as that. She never saw it, but she was my friend. My best friend... knowing everything there is to know about me. Doing everything with me in our life... confiding in her, the biggest secrets of my life and who I am. In the end, there is no friendship. There is nothing but alone.
What have I done?
Why wasn't I told?
Why wasn't I given the chance to change this?
3 things that run through my head constantly... and nothing gets rid of those questions. Not alcohol or pot... Not spending time with friends... not the answers she gives me. I don't think they will ever get answered.
~John
She'll never come back to me, despite where and how I change. I need to do it anyways and try to pick my broken life up off the floor. I lost her. If only she could see, without being blinded by the love of another. See the changes I have made within me... how devoted I was to her and how I adored her and everything she did. While, I argued and said a lot of hurtful things in the very end, I can't help that most of it was all due to the fact of what was going on around me. What Nana had said to Kendall and eventually what she had said to me. What Will's involvement and whatnot, had done to me. It scared me, even on the first day of the new year. Hearing this secret she would have kept from me... Seeing messages from him that said he "missed her". I might never have over-reacted if things were done differently or didn't end the way they did.
Will is my replacement. He's better than I could ever be... of course I lost. But he'll never look at Kendall with the admiration that I have in my heart and eyes for Kendall. Seeing her give birth to my children, provide unconditionally for her family and the love that was really there between us. He'll never see that in her. I will... He'll never understand her and the issues she has come across in her life. I do... her and I are too much alike in that respect. Our pasts are very similar. We've gone through some hard shit in our pasts... and I understand her because of that. He won't or can't.
I miss her. Everything about her too... dumb stuff. Stuff not worth mentioning. Even little things like her voice, which sings like an angel, even when she's putting me down... I'm still excited to listen to her voice. Sometimes, I wish she would sing a bedtime song just to put the loving tears in my eyes. To give me a little of the amazing woman she was. Even something as little and simple as that. She never saw it, but she was my friend. My best friend... knowing everything there is to know about me. Doing everything with me in our life... confiding in her, the biggest secrets of my life and who I am. In the end, there is no friendship. There is nothing but alone.
What have I done?
Why wasn't I told?
Why wasn't I given the chance to change this?
3 things that run through my head constantly... and nothing gets rid of those questions. Not alcohol or pot... Not spending time with friends... not the answers she gives me. I don't think they will ever get answered.
~John
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Words that cut deep.
Since Kendall and I got together... our life has been about each other and our family. Even despite our struggles, it's always been about us and the kids. It's always the frame of mind we've had for one another. Yes... Kendall worked a majority of our relationship... but then again, I did too.
I was the Mrs. she was the Mr. She worked most of the time, 9-5 job. When we moved to Baltimore, it doubled. I stayed with the kids 9-5. And when we moved to Baltimore, it doubled. What was required out of her... was required out of me. I just didn't get paid. I didn't earn and contribute money, like she was able to do. And even if I did, I couldn't do what she did. She sold, RS (Rosetta Stone)... She worked at a Kiosk all day and sold this product to people. She was very good at it, in my opinion, but I knew that it didn't take much to do, considering I had worked for RS too once. While policies may have changed and the extra responsibilities that followed being a manager, I still know that a majority of the time was spent in a seat.
I'm not downing Kendall... I do believe she worked very hard to put food on the table. But, I constantly feel like I wasn't given the gratitude I at least deserved, sacrificing my time and life, to keep our family together. I communicated and talked and I listened.
Then all this happened. A surprise from left field and something I truly wouldn't have believed.
Now, I've been hearing all these things lately, that have just blown my mind. Words and things that she has said to me, that make me very confused on what to believe. In all honesty, she's living in one hell of a fantasy world. Putting me down with everything she can and adding side comments that are only further testing my patience of what I can and cannot deal with any longer. Let me elaborate.
Today on the phone, Kendall said Will is "The Perfect Guy". And I'm "Her babies-daddy." After 5 years of tough work and what I thought was "love"... that's what I've been reduced to, in less than 2 months. 5 YEARS... and in 2 months, that's what I've become. And it doesn't just end there. She'll tell me things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "You don't have to give up loving me or stop trying". And while I know Kendall enough to say that to some degree, I can understand what's she's trying to say or being realistic about some things... it's plain confusing in the long run. She tells me things like this and then flips the record and says things like: "You're a failure"... "You're not good enough"... "You're whiny and annoying".
Hello?!? I'm ME. I'm like this way, because you took everything out of my life, to fulfill your fantasy world. You're envision of a new man, new life, new hopes and dreams... it's all a selfish act and WITH MY KIDS! WTF!? I believed you when you told me you loved me, but you weren't meaning it. You were saying it, until you could get to the point where you could say it to someone better than me. And when things got hard... you made that leap. Jumped ship. You made me believe in something that wasn't there... but you wanted so much to be there, that you instilled it in me. And now, here I am. The product of your lies over the years, professing the truth out of my soul on closed cold ears.
How does someone who claimed they loved you... act like that? Confusing and cold... an odd mixture of the two. She claims that she wants to make space and when I actually start giving her that, she fills it with small talk or awaiting me to respond. And me, being the compassionate, listening, understanding man that I can and most of the time, is... I reply. I think that maybe things will change and she'll see the real me again. This beautiful, genuine man... who loves her to the ends of the earth and would fulfill her needs, if she only said them aloud. Instead, I hear things I just don't want or need to hear. Sometimes, I ask questions that get me to hear the things I don't want to hear.
*Sigh* What does a man do?
Lately, I've been trying to concentrate my mind on the kids. Looking forward to seeing them again. Looking forward to spending time with them on Monday and trying to find a solution as to how I can remain an influential person in their lives. How, I can ensure that they aren't mislead into thinking that this new man in their lives, isn't their father. He's just there, because mommy wants him to be. In the long run, I doubt Will has ANY clue on how to act like a father... and soon, he'll start to see it.
I dunno. I pray that she is happy with him. I just hate, how she's hating me. I hate that, all I hear is how much of a failure I was. Even someone you DID love... you just don't talk like that. Damnit.
~John
I was the Mrs. she was the Mr. She worked most of the time, 9-5 job. When we moved to Baltimore, it doubled. I stayed with the kids 9-5. And when we moved to Baltimore, it doubled. What was required out of her... was required out of me. I just didn't get paid. I didn't earn and contribute money, like she was able to do. And even if I did, I couldn't do what she did. She sold, RS (Rosetta Stone)... She worked at a Kiosk all day and sold this product to people. She was very good at it, in my opinion, but I knew that it didn't take much to do, considering I had worked for RS too once. While policies may have changed and the extra responsibilities that followed being a manager, I still know that a majority of the time was spent in a seat.
I'm not downing Kendall... I do believe she worked very hard to put food on the table. But, I constantly feel like I wasn't given the gratitude I at least deserved, sacrificing my time and life, to keep our family together. I communicated and talked and I listened.
Then all this happened. A surprise from left field and something I truly wouldn't have believed.
Now, I've been hearing all these things lately, that have just blown my mind. Words and things that she has said to me, that make me very confused on what to believe. In all honesty, she's living in one hell of a fantasy world. Putting me down with everything she can and adding side comments that are only further testing my patience of what I can and cannot deal with any longer. Let me elaborate.
Today on the phone, Kendall said Will is "The Perfect Guy". And I'm "Her babies-daddy." After 5 years of tough work and what I thought was "love"... that's what I've been reduced to, in less than 2 months. 5 YEARS... and in 2 months, that's what I've become. And it doesn't just end there. She'll tell me things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "You don't have to give up loving me or stop trying". And while I know Kendall enough to say that to some degree, I can understand what's she's trying to say or being realistic about some things... it's plain confusing in the long run. She tells me things like this and then flips the record and says things like: "You're a failure"... "You're not good enough"... "You're whiny and annoying".
Hello?!? I'm ME. I'm like this way, because you took everything out of my life, to fulfill your fantasy world. You're envision of a new man, new life, new hopes and dreams... it's all a selfish act and WITH MY KIDS! WTF!? I believed you when you told me you loved me, but you weren't meaning it. You were saying it, until you could get to the point where you could say it to someone better than me. And when things got hard... you made that leap. Jumped ship. You made me believe in something that wasn't there... but you wanted so much to be there, that you instilled it in me. And now, here I am. The product of your lies over the years, professing the truth out of my soul on closed cold ears.
How does someone who claimed they loved you... act like that? Confusing and cold... an odd mixture of the two. She claims that she wants to make space and when I actually start giving her that, she fills it with small talk or awaiting me to respond. And me, being the compassionate, listening, understanding man that I can and most of the time, is... I reply. I think that maybe things will change and she'll see the real me again. This beautiful, genuine man... who loves her to the ends of the earth and would fulfill her needs, if she only said them aloud. Instead, I hear things I just don't want or need to hear. Sometimes, I ask questions that get me to hear the things I don't want to hear.
*Sigh* What does a man do?
Lately, I've been trying to concentrate my mind on the kids. Looking forward to seeing them again. Looking forward to spending time with them on Monday and trying to find a solution as to how I can remain an influential person in their lives. How, I can ensure that they aren't mislead into thinking that this new man in their lives, isn't their father. He's just there, because mommy wants him to be. In the long run, I doubt Will has ANY clue on how to act like a father... and soon, he'll start to see it.
I dunno. I pray that she is happy with him. I just hate, how she's hating me. I hate that, all I hear is how much of a failure I was. Even someone you DID love... you just don't talk like that. Damnit.
~John