... Where do I begin.
A few days ago, I awoke in the worst way. A nightmare about having my family taken from me all over again. It went through everything that I had gone through in the last 10 months. And then it gave me a glimpse of the future. What scared me the most, was that Alora, Kylie and Johnathan weren't tied to me legally at all. I woke up in complete tears. I know that nothing can be done about Kylie or Johnathan, since they are biologically my children. To have them taken from me, would simply be against the law.
Alora, however... I have taken responsibility for her over the last 5 years and played the role that Kendall wanted me to play in her life. To be her father. To me, it's more than just a title... "Father". It's a legal responsibility I've wanted since the very beginning. In my heart, she's my daughter. To not be included in on the things in her life and have no say as a parental unit kills me. I accept her, as I take care of her medical insurance and have provided a lot of money and time into her school. To be ushered out of her life is so painful for me to deal with. I have literally NO say.
I voiced my concern to Kendall in a very confusing letter, that was written at 4 in the morning. I didn't know how to deal with the dream I had. I was scared, upset and half-asleep when I wrote it. I asked Kendall to ease my mind with this dream. I mentioned and talk a lot about all of the things that her and I had been through and why it scared me to believe and think something like this. I never got a straight answer. I asked her last night about it, hoping to ease the thoughts in my mind about becoming what I truly wanted. Something Kendall and I had discussed for years.
She answered me last night. She told me that, I will not be able to adopt Alora. She told me that she is going to have Will adopt her. I could feel my tears welling up and the shaking in my body. I wanted to just collapse to the floor and turn the phone off and breakdown. I sorta rushed the call, so I could do just that... breakdown. I cried in the bathroom for about 20 minutes, confused on where to even begin. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. It's really amazing how little I knew about this person I loved so much. She claimed to be my soul mate. She claimed to want me to become Alora's father. Now, I'm hearing every excuse in the book as to why I cannot. It's so upsetting and painful to think that I did NOTHING wrong, to get exactly what I've been getting through the last 10 months. I'm really unsure on what I can and should do. Even in the beginning of the end of everything, her and I discussed what was to be done about the kids. She had been telling me that the children are mine and that nothing will change other than the relationship of her and I. Now, I am losing one of those members of my family.
Her and I fought about it for 40 minutes. I more or less defended myself over the issue. She only seemed to unleash a wave after wave of horseshit of everything I did wrong. Basically, trying to justify her decisions, which in no way... can be justified. It's really amazing how far everything has come along and how much I've been forced to give up in all of this. How utterly selffish she's slowly become throughout all of this... and somehow... I'm just supposed to get a life.
I think I lost all the love I had for her. I think it finally escaped me after hearing the answers I heard last night. Hearing her bain my name with crap that's one-sided and all based on her perspective and the coaching of those around her. Sure, I'm flawed. Sure, I've made mistakes... but so has she, that she's not accounting for. She's placing the complete blame on me, so that those who surround her, continue to do so. Even though, if they took a step back and realized that there's another perception. If they knew, HALF of the crap she's saying is just that... crap. Meant to give her new husband pity and keep him close, thinking that somehow he is saving the day. To her friends who somehow think that, they are saving her from me. Which couldn't be farther from the truth.
While I can get mad and upset... while I can be, well... fucking human... I never directly expressed that anger towards her other than frustration. I was a good wholesome man, despite the fact I smoked pot. While, it was a habitual thing, it was far from an addiction. And when I went without, I because just as irate as she was without cigarettes. Another perceptional view that she's very jaded on. She'll do ANYTHING for Will, which is sad that she'll take away Alora's father, just to fulfill the need to feel normal, which is anything but in her life. A mother of 3 baby daddies. 1 whom she never disclosed that he was even a father. Something that may sit well within my favor... or destroy the integrity of the relationship I currently have with Alora. What would Mike think, if he found out that Kendall was going to allow Will to adopt Alora, without his permission. How confusing would that make the entire situation... and is it worth it?
I should contact a lawyer to at least get a point of view on this and if it's worth persuing in court. I have no clue where to begin and it really upsets me that I feel forced to take this route at all. I wanted things to remain civil. I only wanted her to keep the promise that she's made to me over the last 5 years... and now I feel like I am forced to become more of a dick about the situation. I'm unsure what to do, but NOW is the time to start doing it.
~John
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Subconsciously. It's specific and painful.
I woke up today with no idea why I keep having these kinds of dreams. Kendall is in them. Always; in one form or fashion. She's always beautiful in them, understanding and compassionate. If only it were that way when I see her. I mean, she is beautiful. I always thought so... but now it just fucks with my psyche. Why can't I just let go. Why?! I want to shout it into the air in some unrealistic fashion that I'll actually get an answer!
I had a dream I, that I broke in. A house that was in no way conventional. BIG, OLD, Victorian. I frantically looked for Kendall. Will confronted me and I shouted at him. He walked away mad. I met up with Kendall and rested my arm on her shoulder. Her touch soothed me even in my dreams. Mostly I talked, complaining about the unfairness of all of this. About not having the kids enough, being lied to and ultimately taking away everything I loved. And then I ran. I didn't harm her or Will, I just ran. Out of the house and down the road. I cried of course, as confused and hurt as the first day all of this happened. It was like reliving that night in Baltimore. God I wish I could erase my memory. If I only, never checked her phone... I wish I never found that email.
I woke up in tears. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't even breathe, I cried for so long, around 45 minutes. I cried longer than when I heard Kylie refer to Will, as daddy. I kept it quiet and to myself, crying into Kylie's monkey pillow. How am I going to get through this? A year ago, this beautiful intelligent woman was by my side. Claiming that she loved everything about me... even the things I don't love about myself. I was lucky enough to wake up everyday by her side. Our souls were connected from the very beginning... and then we made souls.
Had all this taken a different turn, I might not be falling apart. Maybe, if I had a chance... rather than such an abrupt end. I had her everyday in my life and then no days. And the days I am lucky enough to see her face, I'm reminded of the baby in her belly. I'm greeted with kindness and patience. A glimpse of the woman I love/d. And when she returns, she rude, rush and runs. There is no us. Something that was so important and special to me. Something I had waited for, 25 years. Fate. (Which I never truly believed in all those years. Never once) It ended in the worst possible way. It kills me inside. It's a cruel fucked up joke, to whomever is controlling my fate.
I know one day I will get over this. I'll grow strong enough to keep going forward with no need to dwell. But with my dreams now... how can I not forget? It pushes me to my very edge. It turns a wonderful "not think about Kendall day"... into a depressive, tiresome, worn out state, where crying in the corner would be sufficient. My dreams are having such a profound affect on me. They tease me with her while I sleep. It's like standing in a dungeon cell, seeing her... but never allowed to touch her.
They trick me into what I want and what my soul needs to be strong... and then I wake up and reality kicks in. My brain during the day, tells me to move on. To keep pushing hard at doing good and accomplishing things. And while I sleep, it fills itself with arguments and love, strife and pain, sensuality and happiness and all of the little things. The smell of her hair, feeling her heartbeat right next to mine and the notion that she loves and needs me. My dreams are specific and it's painful. How could I loose you? My best friend?
Urgg, there's just no hope for this post.
I'll feel better tomorrow.
~John
I had a dream I, that I broke in. A house that was in no way conventional. BIG, OLD, Victorian. I frantically looked for Kendall. Will confronted me and I shouted at him. He walked away mad. I met up with Kendall and rested my arm on her shoulder. Her touch soothed me even in my dreams. Mostly I talked, complaining about the unfairness of all of this. About not having the kids enough, being lied to and ultimately taking away everything I loved. And then I ran. I didn't harm her or Will, I just ran. Out of the house and down the road. I cried of course, as confused and hurt as the first day all of this happened. It was like reliving that night in Baltimore. God I wish I could erase my memory. If I only, never checked her phone... I wish I never found that email.
I woke up in tears. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't even breathe, I cried for so long, around 45 minutes. I cried longer than when I heard Kylie refer to Will, as daddy. I kept it quiet and to myself, crying into Kylie's monkey pillow. How am I going to get through this? A year ago, this beautiful intelligent woman was by my side. Claiming that she loved everything about me... even the things I don't love about myself. I was lucky enough to wake up everyday by her side. Our souls were connected from the very beginning... and then we made souls.
Had all this taken a different turn, I might not be falling apart. Maybe, if I had a chance... rather than such an abrupt end. I had her everyday in my life and then no days. And the days I am lucky enough to see her face, I'm reminded of the baby in her belly. I'm greeted with kindness and patience. A glimpse of the woman I love/d. And when she returns, she rude, rush and runs. There is no us. Something that was so important and special to me. Something I had waited for, 25 years. Fate. (Which I never truly believed in all those years. Never once) It ended in the worst possible way. It kills me inside. It's a cruel fucked up joke, to whomever is controlling my fate.
I know one day I will get over this. I'll grow strong enough to keep going forward with no need to dwell. But with my dreams now... how can I not forget? It pushes me to my very edge. It turns a wonderful "not think about Kendall day"... into a depressive, tiresome, worn out state, where crying in the corner would be sufficient. My dreams are having such a profound affect on me. They tease me with her while I sleep. It's like standing in a dungeon cell, seeing her... but never allowed to touch her.
They trick me into what I want and what my soul needs to be strong... and then I wake up and reality kicks in. My brain during the day, tells me to move on. To keep pushing hard at doing good and accomplishing things. And while I sleep, it fills itself with arguments and love, strife and pain, sensuality and happiness and all of the little things. The smell of her hair, feeling her heartbeat right next to mine and the notion that she loves and needs me. My dreams are specific and it's painful. How could I loose you? My best friend?
Urgg, there's just no hope for this post.
I'll feel better tomorrow.
~John
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Getting used to it.
I'm getting used to, something I don't want.
I'm getting used to looking at the woman I loved for so long, put me down, accuse me or complain to me. Everything from her mouth is usually negative except the "talk to daddy" and seldomly, "Good." I don't know why I still think about her when she's not here, dream about her and find myself in so many conflicts. My intentions OF course, are never bad. Just sadness, frustration, jealousy and loss. I am still moving forward and those feelings will fade. But, what's in my heart won't. It'll never fade. It hasn't yet. Despite everything... up to this point, I will still try to find a way to work all of this out. At least that's what my heart says. It's not to fill a void, it's not to replace what's gone... it's to make me happy. To change my mindset to make it easier for me to do the things I want and need to do. I know it'll never happen, but I know why I would want it back. I'm not confused as to what my heart says. I asked to marry this woman. To have my 2 beautiful children with her, by her side. She was my best friend. Wouldn't you give your best friend another chance. I'm not pursuing her. I'm not making passes at her. I'm trying to swallow hard and work cooperatively and in conjunction with my childrens lives. There's a lot of things I have to overcome... and I'm getting used to that too.
I'm getting used to seeing the kids in small visits. I hate this. I truly do miss my children everyday. I love the 3 days I do get with them... I love spending all of my time with them. I love to teach, play, sing, dance, tickle, laugh and the conversations we have. Sure, I'm tired, exhausted, worn and still have to face the one person in the world I don't think I can. But, when we're all sitting on the couch, watching a movie... and I can reach down to 3 little heads, resting on their father... I melt. I happily tilt my head up to "a god" and thank them for getting me to this moment again. It's my only drive. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. I'm not an idiot... but I know that if I didn't have children, I would have done something stupid to myself. Seeing Kendall go through what's changed in her life in the last 9 months, I probably would have ended my life. It's so soon. So, I thank my children. That you for giving me a reason to continue on going. You have no idea how hard all of this is for me and you're father is working so very hard to become closer to you. I'm sorry for everything that's happened in your life so far, but I do love you and you are the best people to ever happen to me. I'm doing the best I can.
I'm getting used to, work. It's been a rough month, but it's improving. We're pushing to bring in more contractors and generate business. We're working directly with customers and contractors alike. Work has been slow. Only making the time go slower and more time to think about all the problems in my life. I try to get myself fairly involved. It'll get better. Dunno what to do when I move, but I'll figure something out. Maybe, I'll take the train everyday. I'll figure it out.
I'm getting used to, dating blunders. Welcome to the internet. Where you can meet women from your computer. Right out of some cheesy soft-core pron. The girls come in many varieties, but usually ignore. Sure, I have lots of things that just go completely against what I've got and working for. I don't have a car, I hardly have a home, I have 3 children (which isn't baggage to me, but it is for some women.) It's nothing against my children, but I also understand too. I'm getting used to being single. And I totally don't like it. I don't want a relationship either... and to be even more honest... I don't even want to have sex. I just want someone to talk to. Someone to spend time with. Someone to have fun with. And I'm just not finding that. It sucks. I'm lonely. Just even for some companionship. It just makes me think about Kendall even more. Every moment I was ever lucky enough to hold her hand. I really do miss her.
I'm getting used to the ongoing drama here in the house. Luckily days the kids come over, people keep it to a real minimum. But, once their gone... it's a Jerry Springer show. My sister, argues with her man all day, while she does menial things around the house. Really, she has 1 or 2 chores at best and complains about it, when she doesn't work... goto school or even pay her portion of the rent. My mom has given me a break for the last 2 weeks, because of the smaller paychecks. I have 1 sitting, 1 I am getting Friday still 30 bucks in my wallet. I'm no closer to saving for a car, with all the tugging at my wallet. Roy wants another 15, 75 for rent, storage unit, with houses Kendall's pictures and junk from the house that she never picked up and her mothers piano. 120 for that, 100 per week for child insurance. I'm hardly saving. I spend little on myself. And money for the bus and lunch. I need to move. I know I can find an inexpensive place... but do I want to try and make it to Philly or look for another place here in Wilmington? I want to move to Collinswood, not far from the kids. I'm thinking that's not a good idea or to choose a place that isn't far, but far enough. I don't want to be involved in Kendall's life. She's hurt me so bad... I have to resist how I feel in my heart and remember how she just walked away. It's all about the kids.
I'm getting used to, the dreams. About 50% of my dreams involve in one way or another Kendall. The situation is always better than what it is now. It's confusing. I wish I didn't miss her. I thought not seeing her for a while, would help me stop thinking about her. But it didn't. I was sorta forced to do it anyways. It kills me inside. Soon, I am going to have to do more than I can handle. Johnathan's Birthday is coming up. I am going to throw the party. She'll be there and so will all of the people who agreed with her decision. It'll be hard to overcome, but I have to do it for my son. I have to swallow hard. Christmas is coming up. It's Kendall's due date. Well, Christmas Eve. I know, because she told me. Fucking joy. Is she rubbing it in?
I needed this. After almost 2 weeks of shit on my mind... problems, issues and of course, Kendall. How can someone love someone and hate someone at the same time? I think it's I love her... but hate what she did. I just didn't think it was like her. Someone I knew so well... who knows me so well... flipped. Held this all from me. Lied to me, time and time again. And has enjoyed her new found freedom of speech, that belittles me and baffles me. Shouldn't I be, mad at her?? Not the other way around? I dunno. I just don't know anymore...
I'm getting used to confusion.
I'm getting used to disappointment.
I'm getting used to hearing "The other adult".
I'm getting used to this void.
I'm getting used to my local bar.
I'm not drinking much. Maybe once a week I pop in after work. I talk with some of the regulars. Pretty dynamic people. And still, somehow I bump into people connections. I've been teaching a kid there, only 28 how to play darts. Funny... we both went to Brandywine. I don't make it a habit. But it is nice to sit and talk, enjoy a beer and watch a little news. And it keeps me away from the loonies at home. It's a nice little escape, but it's not forever.
I'm getting used to all this crap. I want to get used to something happy. Besides spending time with the kids, I don't have much on this list. And there's lot of other things I haven't even mentioned yet. My mind is just so jumbled. What the hell do I do?
~John
I'm getting used to looking at the woman I loved for so long, put me down, accuse me or complain to me. Everything from her mouth is usually negative except the "talk to daddy" and seldomly, "Good." I don't know why I still think about her when she's not here, dream about her and find myself in so many conflicts. My intentions OF course, are never bad. Just sadness, frustration, jealousy and loss. I am still moving forward and those feelings will fade. But, what's in my heart won't. It'll never fade. It hasn't yet. Despite everything... up to this point, I will still try to find a way to work all of this out. At least that's what my heart says. It's not to fill a void, it's not to replace what's gone... it's to make me happy. To change my mindset to make it easier for me to do the things I want and need to do. I know it'll never happen, but I know why I would want it back. I'm not confused as to what my heart says. I asked to marry this woman. To have my 2 beautiful children with her, by her side. She was my best friend. Wouldn't you give your best friend another chance. I'm not pursuing her. I'm not making passes at her. I'm trying to swallow hard and work cooperatively and in conjunction with my childrens lives. There's a lot of things I have to overcome... and I'm getting used to that too.
I'm getting used to seeing the kids in small visits. I hate this. I truly do miss my children everyday. I love the 3 days I do get with them... I love spending all of my time with them. I love to teach, play, sing, dance, tickle, laugh and the conversations we have. Sure, I'm tired, exhausted, worn and still have to face the one person in the world I don't think I can. But, when we're all sitting on the couch, watching a movie... and I can reach down to 3 little heads, resting on their father... I melt. I happily tilt my head up to "a god" and thank them for getting me to this moment again. It's my only drive. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. I'm not an idiot... but I know that if I didn't have children, I would have done something stupid to myself. Seeing Kendall go through what's changed in her life in the last 9 months, I probably would have ended my life. It's so soon. So, I thank my children. That you for giving me a reason to continue on going. You have no idea how hard all of this is for me and you're father is working so very hard to become closer to you. I'm sorry for everything that's happened in your life so far, but I do love you and you are the best people to ever happen to me. I'm doing the best I can.
I'm getting used to, work. It's been a rough month, but it's improving. We're pushing to bring in more contractors and generate business. We're working directly with customers and contractors alike. Work has been slow. Only making the time go slower and more time to think about all the problems in my life. I try to get myself fairly involved. It'll get better. Dunno what to do when I move, but I'll figure something out. Maybe, I'll take the train everyday. I'll figure it out.
I'm getting used to, dating blunders. Welcome to the internet. Where you can meet women from your computer. Right out of some cheesy soft-core pron. The girls come in many varieties, but usually ignore. Sure, I have lots of things that just go completely against what I've got and working for. I don't have a car, I hardly have a home, I have 3 children (which isn't baggage to me, but it is for some women.) It's nothing against my children, but I also understand too. I'm getting used to being single. And I totally don't like it. I don't want a relationship either... and to be even more honest... I don't even want to have sex. I just want someone to talk to. Someone to spend time with. Someone to have fun with. And I'm just not finding that. It sucks. I'm lonely. Just even for some companionship. It just makes me think about Kendall even more. Every moment I was ever lucky enough to hold her hand. I really do miss her.
I'm getting used to the ongoing drama here in the house. Luckily days the kids come over, people keep it to a real minimum. But, once their gone... it's a Jerry Springer show. My sister, argues with her man all day, while she does menial things around the house. Really, she has 1 or 2 chores at best and complains about it, when she doesn't work... goto school or even pay her portion of the rent. My mom has given me a break for the last 2 weeks, because of the smaller paychecks. I have 1 sitting, 1 I am getting Friday still 30 bucks in my wallet. I'm no closer to saving for a car, with all the tugging at my wallet. Roy wants another 15, 75 for rent, storage unit, with houses Kendall's pictures and junk from the house that she never picked up and her mothers piano. 120 for that, 100 per week for child insurance. I'm hardly saving. I spend little on myself. And money for the bus and lunch. I need to move. I know I can find an inexpensive place... but do I want to try and make it to Philly or look for another place here in Wilmington? I want to move to Collinswood, not far from the kids. I'm thinking that's not a good idea or to choose a place that isn't far, but far enough. I don't want to be involved in Kendall's life. She's hurt me so bad... I have to resist how I feel in my heart and remember how she just walked away. It's all about the kids.
I'm getting used to, the dreams. About 50% of my dreams involve in one way or another Kendall. The situation is always better than what it is now. It's confusing. I wish I didn't miss her. I thought not seeing her for a while, would help me stop thinking about her. But it didn't. I was sorta forced to do it anyways. It kills me inside. Soon, I am going to have to do more than I can handle. Johnathan's Birthday is coming up. I am going to throw the party. She'll be there and so will all of the people who agreed with her decision. It'll be hard to overcome, but I have to do it for my son. I have to swallow hard. Christmas is coming up. It's Kendall's due date. Well, Christmas Eve. I know, because she told me. Fucking joy. Is she rubbing it in?
I needed this. After almost 2 weeks of shit on my mind... problems, issues and of course, Kendall. How can someone love someone and hate someone at the same time? I think it's I love her... but hate what she did. I just didn't think it was like her. Someone I knew so well... who knows me so well... flipped. Held this all from me. Lied to me, time and time again. And has enjoyed her new found freedom of speech, that belittles me and baffles me. Shouldn't I be, mad at her?? Not the other way around? I dunno. I just don't know anymore...
I'm getting used to confusion.
I'm getting used to disappointment.
I'm getting used to hearing "The other adult".
I'm getting used to this void.
I'm getting used to my local bar.
I'm not drinking much. Maybe once a week I pop in after work. I talk with some of the regulars. Pretty dynamic people. And still, somehow I bump into people connections. I've been teaching a kid there, only 28 how to play darts. Funny... we both went to Brandywine. I don't make it a habit. But it is nice to sit and talk, enjoy a beer and watch a little news. And it keeps me away from the loonies at home. It's a nice little escape, but it's not forever.
I'm getting used to all this crap. I want to get used to something happy. Besides spending time with the kids, I don't have much on this list. And there's lot of other things I haven't even mentioned yet. My mind is just so jumbled. What the hell do I do?
~John
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Boiling over...
I could feel it lately. I woke up this morning, with Kendall on my mind. I don't remember if it's from a dream or just habit. Which hasn't been replaced yet, with the absence now. Little things. Her smile. Her mole, that sits oddly beautiful on her face. Just how she made me feel every day of our lives. Baltimore was so hard... I really wish it was different. I can't believe this is what it did to us. I can't believe this is what it did to me. I miss her. Just her sitting next to me or holding my hand on a car-ride. I miss her nagging at me about my inconsistencies, mistakes and blunders. I'm just sad. Sad that this all happened this way. I believed that I had found the one I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was impossible, but even after all the years of tireless struggle, we had gotten far on our own. It just became too much for her. She had lost her love for me. Further back than I had ever anticipated. She meant everything to me... and little by little, I was meaning less to her.
I thought about every little thing and 1000 I love yous. I thought about everytime I had ever touched her skin. I had remembered everytime I saw her smile. In just a few moments, I had relived for a glimmer... a portion of the happiness I had with Kendall. And what am I now? A man, still wound up over the woman he is head over heels for. A man, still in awe of the speed and context of the end. I liked the beginning much better. And this will never go away. My pain may become livable... but my love will sit inside my soul for as long as I intend to live.
I'm hopeless... but it's just the way I am. I'm not dangerous... I'm not crazy... I'm still just in love. I'm okay with that... I loved her and love to me, isn't something that can be easily replaced. It doesn't just fade. You may not like someone, but can still love them. You may hate someone and still love them. It just all depends on how it comes out. Right now, it's kindness and patience. It's all I have.
Things will improve... and maybe one day, I'll be able to fill my heart with Kendall again. But, I'll never know unless I try to live life, right? I just pray, somewhere in her soul... she misses me and loves me still. I can wait. I waited this long for fate to bring her and I together. I honestly, believe that's what it is.
~John
After crying and then a long sit on the stoop outside the back door... I took some deep breathes and realized... I had the greatest thing. She has the opportunity to be really happy, even without me. But, I don't have to give up how I feel or my understanding. I just hope one day, I get a chance again. I wish it didn't become this, but it is what it is. I love you Kendall. I'm sorry I ever let you down.
I thought about every little thing and 1000 I love yous. I thought about everytime I had ever touched her skin. I had remembered everytime I saw her smile. In just a few moments, I had relived for a glimmer... a portion of the happiness I had with Kendall. And what am I now? A man, still wound up over the woman he is head over heels for. A man, still in awe of the speed and context of the end. I liked the beginning much better. And this will never go away. My pain may become livable... but my love will sit inside my soul for as long as I intend to live.
I'm hopeless... but it's just the way I am. I'm not dangerous... I'm not crazy... I'm still just in love. I'm okay with that... I loved her and love to me, isn't something that can be easily replaced. It doesn't just fade. You may not like someone, but can still love them. You may hate someone and still love them. It just all depends on how it comes out. Right now, it's kindness and patience. It's all I have.
Things will improve... and maybe one day, I'll be able to fill my heart with Kendall again. But, I'll never know unless I try to live life, right? I just pray, somewhere in her soul... she misses me and loves me still. I can wait. I waited this long for fate to bring her and I together. I honestly, believe that's what it is.
~John
After crying and then a long sit on the stoop outside the back door... I took some deep breathes and realized... I had the greatest thing. She has the opportunity to be really happy, even without me. But, I don't have to give up how I feel or my understanding. I just hope one day, I get a chance again. I wish it didn't become this, but it is what it is. I love you Kendall. I'm sorry I ever let you down.