The Musical of My Life.

This is the musical of my life.
The show that just died.
It lives in my memories.
In anytime I've cried.

The show was the greatest,
It started up so bright.
We all knew our lines,
And never once did fight.

I bet you've never seen better,
I bet you've never seen great.
I bet you never knew...
What really was at stake.

Everything has happened.
Blurry in my eyes,
I can't hold the tears back,
Or stop asking why.

We bowed gracefully to the audience,
Abruptly the musical ends,
Not with the hopes and loves,
It is tragedy that this production defends.

We inprov-ed and missed,
The sets were just paint and holes,
With imagination and faith,
We played our best roles.

Too much at stage,
Preforming before crowd.
Exit stage left,
Try not to be too loud.

My life is the paper,
A scripted, words torn,
Words I wrote, from my soul,
In a condition; forlorn.

I try to start the story over,
Try to rewrite all the pages,
Can't get my thoughts etched,
A new act for the stages.

With confusion of a loss,
I beg to the "aboves"
"Don't Stop the Show!"
"The Cast is Loved!"

The stage is now gone,
In a fierce fiery slow burn,
To watch all the props and sets die,
Promising never to return.

This show has shut down,
The guests won't come back,
Where there once was light,
Has become dusty and black.

The greatest show in the world,
Created life and admiration,
Gold trimmed theater walls,
Heard throughout the nation.

Just a memory.
Just a blow.
Just my life...
What a show...




My day has been rough.  I was going to write about how I thought about her all day long.  I felt sick to my stomach this morning... and for the rest of the day, I thought about Kendall and the kids.  Damn, I miss them.  So, rather than writing essays of my "undying" love and affection...  I wrote a poem.  It sorta flowed.  Took me about 15 minutes to write.

Night.
~John

I can remember everything...

  Now, I try to throw some stuff in about daily life...  but obviously this journal is here to mostly get out my feelings.  Hopelessness and dispair.  Pain and sorrow.  All in an effort to just clear my head.  Losing my bestfriend/lover/wife was definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to endure.  Being without my children on a constant basis... is unbearable.  I only look forward to each and every bit of time I get with them.  I talk about work and dating, but really it still all revolves around what my heart and mind are constantly wrapped up in.  I'm I lost?  Sure...  What else is there right now.  Everyone will continue to tell me things that I just don't see eye to eye on...  their perspective.  But my perspective?  Well...  I'm hurt and feeling lost.  I utterly confused.  But, I love her.  I'd work on things to be with her...  I'd figure out life and all of its broken peices just to have a chance with her.  Yes...  even like this.  She was my best friend.  Someone I shared every secret with, never told a lie to and imagined would be a continuous light in my life.  She made me believe that.  I remember.

  My days press on.  I struggle to find the effort to want to do anything sometimes...  but make the effort to try and better my life and situation.  I've fallen backwards completely... to a degree, where I don't know where to stand or how to start making my life as fantastic and special as it once felt.  Will I propose to another woman again?  Create that above and beyond proposal I gave to Kendall in the rain almost 5 Christmas's ago?  Got on my knees and had her choke me, after she embraced my proposal.  I was so scared that night.  I remember.

  The world continues to fall apart.  I wonder where I'll be.  Will I be with her when it's collapse finally happens?  Will there ever be something that brings us back together?  Is my time over... and this just be another thing in my life that I have to let go and walk away from?  Constantly....?  Walking away from Lola was easy...  right into Kendall's arms.  I knew instantly that I loved her.  She was so strong and fiesty.  She didn't care about anyone else, but us.  The first 2 weeks were magical.  I never wanted to leave.  Meeting her and Alora was the best thing in my life.  I remember.

  And now...  when all the chunks that made my life are in complete disarray.  I have no direction, protection, selection or perfection... to go on.  I have what's left.  I have my thoughts.  My visits.  My whatevers...  that still feel very incomplete.  It's 9 months.  I still miss her.  The fights, disagreements, troubles and struggles.  Through the emotions, pain, crying, suffering and misery.  There's still that light that continues to shine so brightly in my heart.  It's the love I have for her.  Not an obsession.  A memory of every greatest moment of our lives.  The birth of our children.  The rollercoasters.  The vacations.  The cold nights keeping each other warm.  The warm baths with my arms around her, in the candle light.  Nights in the Army, where I'd talk to her every night and miss her every day.  This person who constantly filled in my voids, every day...  I still remember.

~John

A struggle... a fight... second guessing me...?

  Well, this post will start by pointing out a tough week.  Not as if my entire year, hasn't been hard... but this week has had me going back and forth and still the thoughts run through my mind.  I still love her.  I hate saying that, considering I am the only one who feels this way.  She doesn't love me.  I still try to recount what exactly it was that made her stop.  If only I had a time machine.  I'd go back to every moment...  and just relive it.  Even every fight as stupid as that sounds, because even during those arguments, she still loved me.  I'm a fool for allowing the best thing to walk out of my life.  I thought being an adult and awaiting on her patiently would bring her back, when really I should have fought more... than just words.  It's all I had though.  She was all I had.

  I still dream.  She's in most of them.  Clouding my mind every single day, reminding me of when she was a big part in my life.  The part I loved the most.

  This week was rough.  I still have been dating.  I met my date.  Her name is Sasha.  A fantastic woman with a 3 year old named Natalie.  We met up for lunch at the mall and talked for quite a bit.  We had plans to goto the Peek-a-boo Revue last night, but she sorta stood me up.  Talk about depressing. 

  This is the second time this has happened.  Sucks ass...

  Leading me right back to the beginning.

  I had some issues with Kendall at the beginning of this week.  It was NOT fun...  and bothered me quite a bit, considering.  After she picked the kids up, not only did I deal with her ranting of me doing their laundry... but also Alora and Kylie both somehow told her, that if  they told her what goes on at my house... that I would "beat" their butts.  Now...  while I don't have any issues with smacking my childs behind, after repeating myself 5 or 6 times to stop something...  I would NEVER beat them, because they're telling Kendall things.  If anything, I sorta want them to tell her stuff...  like how much fun they're having...  how we did all these things...  etc.  To be honest, I keep them very busy with "fun".  And I have a lot of fun when they are with me.  Why would I want anything different.  Well, instead of asking me if I had said this...  she assumed and plastered it all over Facebook, telling everyone what I had "apparently" said, which was just TOTALLY not true.  And it hurt.  Because people were commenting about it left and right, all behind my back.  I found out from a good friend, who is also a good friend of Kendall's.  I was truly hurt.  Seriously.

  I'm not sure where this life is going to lead me...  but I'm tired of the beaten path.  I'm tired of never making it out on top... put to the side by the people I love... and hurt with words that cut deeper than any knife.

Not normally...

  Now, normally I don't post so close to another day... but I had yet another fucking dream with Kendall... and I need to write it down.  It's been looming in my head all day and it's getting rather annoying on what the fuck it means and WHY I must continue on this path of dreaming about her.  I actually, tried to go back to bed, so I could jump back into my dream.  I failed in that effort, only laying awake missing her.  Yes, 9 months later.

  Now my dream, which I remember as vividly as I remember the other dreams.

  We were somewhere...  festive.  Citywide, something.  Parades and music.  Dancing in the streets.  We weren't out in it...  we were inside an old Victorian home.  It sorta resembled Baltimore house, without all the ghetto and shit.   But, it was beautiful, just as she was.  We're arguing.  Over what, I have no clue...  then people come into the house.  People I don't know.  We stop fighting.  Then out of nowhere, I feel it.  This overwhelming sense to kiss her.  So, I lean in and she kisses me back.  I can literally feel her lips pressed against mine as my heart hits the floor.  I wrap my arms around her and suck her into me, just as I used to.  I feel the love...  passed back and forth between her and I.  I love her.  I'm immersed with her in my dream as I am not able to anymore.  I feel like she is going to be there forever.  We walk outside, hand in hand... almost forgetting why we were arguing.  We sit and she rests her head on my shoulder.  I feel so needed.  We listen to the world around us as the world celebrates whatever it's celebrating.

  Her finger grasp mine tightly.  (Yes, I remember all of this from my dream.)  We sit while the sun goes down.  Then it gets dark... I turn, look into her beautiful blue eyes and kiss her.

  Then I wake up.

  Why...

  Why do you continue to torment me with the love I have for you.  God damnit.  Do you have any idea what you've done to my heart?  My mind?  Fuck....

  Well, I wrote about it...  I have nothing more to say without falling to tears.  I can't do that here at work... I can't do it at home.  I don't need people questioning if I am alright.  I'm not alright.  I'm without the 2 things in my life, I needed the most.  You and them.  Damn you for doing this to me.

~John

My dreams are great, until I wake up...

  I keep having the same dreams.  Kendall and I are talking.  Things are somehow fixed.  I accept her and everything that has happened.  It feels so real.  We tuck the kids in for bed and then lay down together.  No sex...  just my arm around her and the biggest smile on my face.  She's with me.  She loves me.  The woman I would do anything for... is here in my arms.

  Then I wake up.

  It puts tears in my eyes.  Always.  I lay awake thinking for another 45 minutes to an hour about everything in my dream and then recapping all the bullshit that's happened to us over the last 9 months.  How the fuck did this happen?  I then lay and think about everything we had been through over the last 5 years and I still ask...  How the fuck did this happen?  I always loved her and I knew that then, as much as I know it now.  I never saw her out of my life.  I never told her and I would never admit it, but I guess she was my soulmate.  I was never really sure what to call it or her...  I just knew that I wanted to be with her and only her always.

  Now, we're not even friends.  At first, it's because I didn't want it.  Not to say that's the same now...  but she's so settled in her new life, new baby coming, new marriage...  everything new... she'll never turn back.  She'll never see in me, what made her love me so much at one time.  It's a lost cause and it's best if I get to the point where I am moving on.  I am TRYING...  I really am.  But daily, I think about her.  For the last 9 months, she has been the main thing running through my mind constantly.  Then in a VERY close second, its the kids.  Possible because, I spend time with them, I don't feel I'm at a total loss...  I wish I could just breathe her.  Just put my arm around her and tell her once more...  I love you.

  Its like she's died.  I said that before and it's not a clue in to something I want...  but honestly everywhere she was in my life, she is now completely erased.  The feelings I have, are still here... while I grieve with being without the one I love.  And still, my dreams fucking haunt me.  Pictures, memories, feelings and emotions still float throughout my brain, while I am drained on reality.  Still in a state of shock.  When...  ohh fucking when... will this go away?

  I work to take my mind off it.  Still, it does nothing.  I drink to take my mind off it.  Still, it does nothing.  Sometimes and I mean RARELY anymore...  I smoke...  and still...  it does nothing.  I write and while I feel clarity by the time I reach the end of these entries...  I am still wondering, what our future will hold for us.  The world works in VERY crazy ways.  Katrina left me once for Travis.  In 3 years, she was divorced.  Will this happen with Kendall...  will I ever have a chance again?  Will I ever be able to show her the strength I have now?  Can I prove it to her?  With Katrina, I quickly grew hate, just to get over the love.  I still feel love for Katrina, but not in that way anymore.  It would take me falling in love with her all over again for me to get back to the way I was.  But, it's not the same with Kendall.  I have only hated the things she's said to me.  Not her.  I can't even force myself to act that way.  I just don't understand...

  Lord, help me.

~John