The Kids...

  I've been trying to occupy my mind from 2 very big thoughts.

  How much I miss the children...
  How much I miss Kendall.

  I sent the kids to Nana Hunters, whom while has a few good reasons to not like me...  is the kids family.  Wonderful family, despite her feelings against me.  She's a "Great" great-grandmother and the kids are very lucky to have someone like her.  So am I, in a sense.  I'm still thankful for her...

  I've been having more chest pains.  It's even waking me up at night.  Which causes me to lay awake for 20 or 30 more minutes thinking about Kendall.  Missing her, as I glace at the black space next to me.  I had an attack when Kendall was here, but a lot of that was also due to dealing with grandmom and the way I was backed into a corner with visitation with Lori again.  Which is sorta a shame, considering I'm at a level that I can tolerate grandmom in Lori's life.  Just weary, because of the past.

  Including that, I sent them because, I cannot handle being around Kendall.  I start talking about our past... which is obviously just that to her.  Never again in her eyes, all I see is coldness and hear the painful truth.  Hear about how I failed.  How it's all my fault... and I'm not a man...  she's said it all to me.  And all I could do was cry and plead, that I would change.  And for her, I would.  In a heartbeat.  She's the greatest thing in my life and I wasn't ready to let go.  While, we both grew tired and angry with one another... I wasn't ready to quit.  Just to get away for a bit.  Time to think.  Sometimes, I'm still not ready to quit... but want to prove with every ounce of my soul, that I love her and would do anything to make her happy.  I need to stop...  I don't want to... but I need to.  She's done with me.  I did fail... and it's the biggest mistake in my life.

  I also can't hide my feelings from the kids.  And I've realized that, I might be giving them a negative vibe, for them having to see their father cry and miss their mother.  They are starting to see it and point it out... and while I don't feel showing them true emotion is wrong... I honestly don't want the kids to see me this way.

  Yeah, I realized I rambled.  I need to get it out.  I need to rant and I doubt ANYONE I know reads this... so here's the place to do it.

Still in my heart...

  It's been a rough few days.  So much has been running through my mind, that I just cannot concentrate anymore.  I still think about you daily Kendall.  Almost hourly.  I keep turning back the clock in my head and remembering the times I could call you mine.  My wife.  My awesome, intelligent, amazing sexy wife.  The person who has turned my world upside down for years.  And now, you're gone.

I'm so lost, I could cry.  But, I am having trouble producing the tears I need to, to get this out.  I see how beautiful you are, when you visit.  I smell how beautiful you are, when you are near.  I hear your voice, singing like a songbird in my ear.  Sometimes, I call, just to hear your voice.  My wife.  Why can't you see?

Why did this have to happen?  Will I ever get you back in my life?  Can we fix this and repair our love, or is it lost forever with my hopes and dreams?  Am I just wasting my time loving you?

I just don't know anymore...  I just don't understand, what it is I am supposed to do.  How can you just cut me off and run away, knowing you love me?  Knowing everything we have gone through.  Do you still dream about me?

I ask myself these questions, every day of my life.  Why?  I don't know...

Maybe, it's because this is something I don't want to let go.  Maybe this love is too big for me to look the other way and to think about someone else.  Sure, it'll get easier...  but not anytime soon.  I need you in my life, encouraging me the same as I have done for you.  I need you to tell me you love me, the same way I tell you I love you.  I need you to put your arms around me and to let me know that everything will be okay.

I would give up sex, if I could only have your love back.  I'd give up everything in my life, to have you back in my world.  Except our children of course.

I am a pussy.  I cannot stand up and fight, as it's wearing me down.  It's destroying the life and happiness I have inside of me, to see you, so alive without me.  Did I really drag you down?  Am I the worst thing to happen to you?  Could you not see how much I did love you and that I made mistakes with the words I've said to you over the years?  Can you not see I've changed?

Please... take me back.  Forgive me and help me, fix our family.  Please, don't leave me alone and come back into my life and wake me up.

I love you forever.

Finally over...

  No... not what you think.  I just spent Valentine's Day for the first time, alone.  I've had this depressing feeling in my gut all day, when I know that they only thing I could have wanted in this world today, is celebrating it with someone else.  I still love Kendall.  I still find everything she does, simply amazing.

Pathetic as it sounds, I've been reading old letters.  Ones where her and I have stepped over our lines and did things we never should have done.  But also, how we would apologize and talk to one another about our feelings and problems.  We've gotten into some heated arguments and had a lot of trouble with our relationship over the years, but I still honestly, never saw this coming.  It kills my soul to believe that she meant forever.  Her begging for forgiveness and promising me that she would never give up on me.  And after months of issue and arguing, that it would end this way.

I saw her tonight on the webcam, sitting next to Will.  What a way to make the day tougher on me.  Not only am I made to live this day about Love, alone... but staring at the person she now loves and loves her back.  And then to see the reactions out of the kids.  I wanted to cry standing up...  but I have gotten used to having to hold it in.  All I could do was wonder how the hell I got here and when I would wake up from this nightmare of being without the only person I truly love.

I don't know what I am supposed to feel.  Or how I am supposed to react to all of this.  This deepening pain of being without the woman whom I adore.  She drives me wild, what can I say.  But, not hearing I love you anymore or that I am her "soulmate" so  I can rebut it, is killing me.  Kendall, if you only asked, I would have given you the world.  I watched you give birth to my children... I've held your hand through the toughest of our times and I've never loved you any less... not one single day.

If I ever had a chance to win back your heart.  To earn the love I crave from your sensational soul... it would be an honor to try.  How I am lost without you...  How I wish I was able to change as a man, faster...  How I wish you would realize how much you need me.  I need to hear, that you need me.  Even if it's fake.

Happy Valentine's Day baby...  I miss you.

The twists and turns...

I tried to give it some time before I wrote about something else.  I don't want each entry filled with the arguements that still continue on between Kendall and I, or how I truly love her and miss her to consume the point of this journal.  While, those factors most certainly play a role...  I don't need to remind anyone or even myself about how I feel.  It's more or less a timeline for me to one day look back on and realize how all this came about. 

As time goes on, especially during the realization phase of knowing she is gone.  I start to question exactly what it was that caused this.  Not the specific action, or time when enough was enough... but the birth of the thought.  I used to think it was all because of me.  Partly because, I let the person I loved, bash me with all of her hurt and anger.  I listened and let the words destroy me to my core... and after some of the things Kendall has said to me, I've just been questioning, who the hell she is anymore.  While I am upset, hurt and probably a little lost within all of this, my negativity towards Kendall has been almost nil.  I got mad one night, after an argument happened, and said some things that I DO believe, but just shouldn't have said.  "Selfish" being one of them.

Let me explain, just so theirs no confusion.

Not selfish in the form of money, but in the carelessness of a person she claimed she loved.  In the round-about way that this entire situation came about... and selfish in the sense that all of the blame and woes are laid directly and ONLY on me.  I am the blame for us not doing better.  I am the blame for our money woes.  I am to blame for her position at her job.  I am to blame for not loving her enough or being domineering or just being me.  I am to blame for asking if I could work, when I was just supposed to KNOW to just do it.  I am to blame for her falling out of love with me and all of the fights we had.  I am to blame for not spending enough time with her... and I am to blame for how her family feels about me.

I'm not ever given the credit, I do honestly deserve.  The fact that while she did work... I worked too.  Except I didn't get paid.  That I sacrificed my time, my abilities to work and my energy.  I worked at times and wanted more, but with promises of things getting better and our lives changing, I was often told not to work.  I know there was more I could have done, but even still.  All Kendall had to do was talk to me.  I'm a very understanding man about all of this.  ALL of this, even the involvement with Will and what she needs out of a man.  But, none of this was communicated to me.  I was blindsided, almost within the very first day of all of this happening.

But really, what is wrong with me?  Have I not done what was asked to the best of my abilities?  And really, what is wrong with me?

A sensative, reactionary man, who got used to being told what to do.  Got used to being yelled at, ignored and made to feel stupid.  Even now, I am still getting those things from her.  I have flaws.  I'm only human.  I'm emotional in the sense that I express my emotions.  Not all...  while I can get loud and angry, I can control it.  I can react outwardly, but it's not as if I have ever struck Kendall or physically abused her or the children based on a fight.  While my children get a smack on the butt once in a while, a tap on the mouth, or similar punishments... I don't take out my frustrations or anger out on any them, or Kendall.  The most I have done in that regard, might be to shout or be a little snippy.

I've changed a lot.  A lot for the better, but I am still a work in progress.  I've been setting realistic goals for myself, though it's hard to concentrate on anything other than the situation.  I want to be responsible for my kids, while I help them prepare for school and STAY a part of their daily lives.  I love them and I always want to be near them, influencing their lives.  It's my privledge to watch them grow up and I wouldn't miss it for the world.  Out of all the things Kendall spoiled me with, my children are the best gift of all.

I have been trying to be an adult about all of this and to prepare for the choices I have to make in their lives.  Kendall hasn't been making that easy.  I wanted the children to live with me and goto school with daddy.  Kendall has other plans.  She says I am not "losing" the children, but when I suggested that they live with me and I take care of them, that she was losing them.  Almost instantly confirming, that indeed I would be losing my kids.  Her and I made a written agreement, but already she has been trying to cover my eyes, by using it as her excuse and know-all document, instead of exactly what it is...  an agreement between her and I.  She waves it in front of me, using words like "Primary Custody"...  which just isn't fair.

I'm scared.  I'm hurt unbelievably, but also scared.  While I'm flawed and I'm sure her family sees them all and points them out constantly...  I'm left to stand here alone defenseless.  It really does hurt.  By people I thought I trusted to even act somewhat adult like about this.  But namecalling, ignorance and lies are being pushed around as I am being replaced by "The White Knight".

I hope Kendall never reads this.  And if you do...  I love you, but why did you have to hurt me this way?

~John