Woke up crying...

  It's been on my mind all morning.  A dream, that I wish I never had. 

  Kendall is in my dream, which is usual when it comes to dreams about the kids.  Even in my dream, I can't face her.  I want to cry almost immediately when I see her.  The kids are there.  So little, as I know they're not that young anymore.  In the beginning of the dream, it's me... just asking to see the kids.  To spend time with the kids in anyway I can.  Then time passes, months, years.  Will's out of the picture somehow and it's just her.

  Fighting to see the kids is impossible.

  I remember the last night in Baltimore.  The fight we had because of the stuff I found.  Finding out that someone you love, is loving another.  I felt my life needing resuscitation then.  And then somehow in the dream, I have the kids.  The shoe is on the other foot.  Kendall is knocking and crying at my door.  She's banging on it, as she pushes the door with force.  But I won't let her in.  I won't let her see the kids.  I won't let her touch them, hold them or her tell them that she loves them.

  The neighbors hear.  They're big.  They're watching.  She's screaming and I'm being an asshole.  With intentions of cutting her out.  She's crying and screaming like she was in Baltimore, when I went to get Johnathan from her arms.  I hate it.  I hated it.  It makes me well up, even thinking about it.  Baltimore was different.  I never had intentions of withholding the kids from her.  She's their mother...  how could I?

  I'm pushing her out my door in the dream.  I'm saying the most hurtful and hateful things I can think of.  I am fighting and pushing...  I know, I'm not being fair.  I know it doesn't have to be this way.  But, I don't care.  I want my kids.  I want them so badly, I have to be this way to keep them.  I'm not crying... because then, it would show my weakness.  And far too much, have I shown that.  The croud gets bigger, helping her.  Trying to reason with me through a door of arguments.  The kids are upset and I'm trying to calm them down.  I send them to go play or lay down, but anything and everything to stay away from this.  Even outside of this dream, this is the way I wanted it.  Possibly the reason I didn't fight for them.  I didn't want them to see me fight.  I couldn't anyway.  I still loved her.  I couldn't...  I just couldn't.  I gave up long ago, holding onto any little thing I had.

  People are helping her push the door open, ready to take the kids from me.  I'm fighting with all my might and I'm overwhelmed.  They rush in, she takes the kids and runs with them.  There's no negotiations.  There's no compromise.  She takes them and runs.

  I was up against my biggest fight last year and no one was there.  I asked for help.  I had hoped, someone would be on my side as even the wrong people are on hers.  I am doomed to lose them.  I am doomed to lose them from the start.  I did nothing wrong except want to be their daddy.  To continue on being a father.  I love it and miss it.  No one is there to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.  To pay my lawyer.  To help fight against someone who is defenseless, weak and brokenhearted.  I'm as alone as I am in my dream.  The outcome is the same.  My parents weren't there.  And the one person who should have been there, is the person who filled my head with "soulmate".  The who called me "baby boy".  The one who listened to me, understood me and loved me once greater than herself.

  This dream made me wake in tears.  Ones that won't stop from falling.  I've never been more alone.  I guess I should have seen it coming.  It would have happened one way or another.  And the memories, love and nobility to try and do the right thing, didn't make a single difference.  Promises that were quickly broken and how easily I was forgotten and made to feel like I was the real problem.

  Despite what can be blamed...  I didn't cheat.  I didn't lie.  I loved, up until the last moment I could.  I didn't mistreat.  I wasn't disrespectful.  I didn't steal my family away from someone else who felt it was just as important to them as it was to me.  I didn't give it to someone else so easily.  I just finally gave up from losing.  I finally threw in my towel, because she absolutely wanted me out of her life completely.  Because, I fought too much to keep her, it only made her run more.  I had never loved someone this way.  To this degree of never giving up.  But I did...  cause I don't want to anymore.  I don't want to even think about what's been done.  I could never imagine doing this to someone I love or once loved.  It's not in me.  It's not possible, even if my dream says so. 

  I went to the Cardiologists yesterday.  My heart is only getting worse and they're a little worried about it.  He says the stress has been getting to me and that I need some medication.  I refuse.  I have this thing about pills I don't like... so I'm not going to take them.  My release has been writing and crying.  The only 2 things, I am really capable of doing without hurting someone else.  I stopped talking to the kids.  I'm ashamed of myself... but I'm crying more lately and I don't want them to see it.  I hear her voice and I want to cry.  I want to just talk to her... though I don't.  I want to tell her I'm sorry for everything.  That I was shitty to her and that my love wasn't enough.  I want to get mad because of the distance.  Lori is going to girl-scout camp in the summer.  It's her way of making sure I never get Alora for the summer.  I raised and loved Alora with all my heart.  I can't bear the idea of her not coming along... so I decided that I am not taking Kylie and Johnathan.  It wouldn't be fair.  It's not fair to me.

I'm so ashamed of myself.  How could I just give up on them?

I have to.

~John

 

The understanding...

  I did something I never thought I would do.  I decided, that I simply cannot do anymore.

  I didn't give up.  But I did.
  I didn't erase...  but I am.
  I'm doing exactly what you did.  An operation that erased all the good about me.  The things that you fell in love with first and then left me alone for.  The things that created much of who I am today.  6 years of laughs, arguments, thoughts, dreams, ideas and complications that slowly consumed our lives.  Nothing fades, regardless of the time that flies.  While many things may takes its place, upon concentration of said things...  I still feel little different.  Am I awaiting for something to change all of this and at some point for you to somehow magically wonder back into my life?  I doubt it...  I don't even think I hope for it.  I've accepted what is, to be what is.  I've become mad and bitter at the constant feeling from the way  that things have molded themselves into my life.  Under the hardest drugs, I've never felt more disconnected than from myself.  Perhaps it's no one elses fault other than my own.  I am in control of me and my fate after, all right?

  Still...  when I close my eyes, my dreams cloud me.  Always your hair.  Your smile.  Your impractical way of thinking.  I'm past admiration.  I'm past remembering how we became... though I still remember the first few moments of when we met.  The first moments of intimacy and vulnerability.  It' as if it were yesterday, I slept and today I am simply reflecting on what was.  It's not 6 years ago to me.  It's yesterday morning... and between the time of sleep to wake, a whole life happened before my eyes.

I went on a date Saturday.  So much of her reminded me of you, yet... still things differed to the point where I found admiration for her easily.  She was amazing...  fantastic...  and because my mind had a difficult time leaving you and the kids, she could notice this within me and realize that I have something that will be difficult for her to pass.  Not my job, finances or anything relevant...  but because she could sense the emotions of the kids and you, that have drained my smile and tainted everything I've ever come to know.

I don't blame you.  Well, some things I certainly do.  The overbearingness of emotion and impulsiveness.  It reminded me so much of the women I dated when I was a kid.  You ability to ignore whatever once was...  to become a list reassured of things that used to be.  The kids no longer think of me in the manner of father, but only know me as such through biological means.

I've been made to feel that the only way to come through this, whole, motivated and patient. though none of those things have a stone tablet.  They're liable to chance as each days passes and they continue to fade with the age.  Like a bad grape in wine.  After 30 years of aging, it'll be unnoticeable.  It'll be long and forgotten.

Also, by no means could I ignore such things.  This is life and I need to do what I can to smile my way through it.  Through the mistakes I've made and the ones that others have made for me.  This is the fate, I didn't believe I'd ever have.

I gave up.  I sent you a message that 2 years ago, I would have been ashamed of myself for.  I quit.  I let you win and wake from my life, what you wanted to take.  I have tucked down the pride and created little than air, as it's outcome.  It's quite the difficult thing to do.  I always imagined myself as being moral and proper, extending to know what I claim to know.

I am not perfect.  I know here my loyalties lie as I stride to find myself able to find an ounce of someone new.  Who knows...  I'm no expert and neither are you.  I can only pray that the things that I do turn out for the best.  That someone will understand them and give me the push I need to fight hither neither...

I loved you, but anymore I'm not sure what I do.  I pray to be done...  so erase what I have and go away with it. Provide it to someone willing to build my pieces.  Alright with my inconsistencies and ignore the importance.  Assume, she's different.  Experience sun shines and rain.  Imagine a work, where nothing is nothing...  would you still think of me.  Would it really matter?

Kylie.  I love you.  Amazing you'll always be in my eyes.
Johmathan, you share more than similarities.
Lori.  I did my best.  I love you.  Forgive me.

This will be my end of trying.  After this day, I'll be doing what I know I can do.  So forgive me of my discrepancies.

I love you all...  and never forget for a second that I am not thinking of you.

~John

Where are you when I need you?

  I've kept away from this journal for months.  I'm debating if I can even publish this when I am done.  But, I need to talk and this is the only way I can let out what I am thinking and feeling.

  I went to the hospital today, after having a tightness in my chest.  After about 45 minutes, I collapsed in the waiting room.  I was seen immediately by a doctor.  In no way, a ruse.

  I've tried a thousand ways to get you out of my mind.  I've lied to myself, even.  I still love you, as much as I hate what you've done.  My mind and body are constantly torn and still... I cry.  2 years and I am still broken. 

  The doctors told me that my heart is having lots of problems, though I have more tests to do over the next couple of weeks.  Even though I saw both already in Christiana, they want me to goto a specialist.  Cardiologists and a psychiatrists.  It was hard to not cry in front of them as the fear built up in me.  I could only think about being away from the kids... and I just kept imagining that you were there with me, holding my hand.  I'm scared.  I'm very scared in fact...  neither had anything good to say, but say that tests will determine more.  They wanted to admit me, but you know how I am with hospitals.  I insisted that I leave as I could not imagine being in that room alone.  It's driving me crazy...

I need to rest.  My chest still feels heavy and my head is killing me.  Where is the woman I knew?  That pagen goddess I remember?

~John