... that I don't look at many pictures or videos of the kids. Besides talking to them on the Skype... I can't. Whenever I do, I only end up crying. My thoughts never leave them, as I've never forgotten that I'm a father. And regardless of how far away they are... they know, I will wish they were by my side.
I've questioned a lot lately. A lot about you. Sure... the why's don't stop... but moreso, who you are and who you used to be. I've noticed a few things that have made me feel completely uncomfortable. As if, my wishes with the kids are completely disregarded.
When we got together... the choices that we made to raise our children were set in stone. Their religious beliefs were to be as open, as you and I. You believed in your Cards, Natural Magic and some Pagen beliefs. I was raised basically agnostic, though I have been told otherwise. Little to no church in my life... even still, I remain moral in many senses, without the need to involve a church or bullshit idea onto myself or those I care about. I consider myself to be nothing less than an upstanding person. Trustworthy, kind, generous, caring and only ask the same in return.
It didn't dawn on me, that Johnathan recently was holding a bracelet... with crosses all on it. More than likely given to him by his Step-Grand Parents. And then it stuck with me more... that Kendall had talked to me before about religion on the kids. Even telling me to take them to church. Which just baffled me. It went against everything we've come to know for the last 6 years... and just that quickly, you've changed.
Will's parents didn't like you. Look at the mess you left behind. Look at how you cut out our childrens father. You weren't thinking of the children... you weren't thinking about their father. You were thinking about yourself and that asshole you married. I call him an asshole, because any man chasing after a woman who has a family and life... accepting videos and "I love yous" over the internet, while you were already grounded... is something an asshole would do. He's been aware of how the children have been taken out of my life. Which I am sure is just as much his idea, as it is yours. It went against every promise you ever made me. It has made you a person, I don't know anymore.
Whenever I get that urge to think about you... miss you... or try to shake the love I've held in my heart... I think about how you've changed. That you're not the woman I went to New York with. You're not the woman who was open sexually. You're not the woman who had the courage to tell the truth... but hid it, knowing how fucked up it really was. You're not the Kendall I know. Just some bitch, who unfortunately is in control of our childrens upbringing. Worrying me daily.
You and I both know, you were never much of a mother. Passing along duties of taking care of the kids, with anyone willing to accept it for a time. Not to mention, that I'd really prefer if my daughter wasn't raised by a whore. No offense... but with you at the wheel... I'm afraid, she'll turn into her mother... and by 18 or 19, she'll get pregnant. I read you're journal. I "knew" you inside and out. You're past, which isn't much different than mine. But still... I never... never... would have done to you, what you've done to me. And I'm positive, that karma will come back and bite you in the ass one day.
I realize, that you're just not worth it anymore. The person I loved, was amazing. She was the most amazing person I've ever known, as my journal has dictated. But you're not her anymore. Just a shell. Just a shell.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
The truth.
My mind has been filled with a lot of social crap lately. An election is right around the corner... And while, I know I should... I won't vote. But, that doesn't matter now.
I miss the kids. And dealing with presidential elections, everyday life and even having to hear Kendall's voice, is all motivated for that one reason. If it wasn't because of them, I wouldn't be here. I've come close to losing my mind, after losing my life. I haven't had a stable ground, though I've tried... but I fall off. I cry for days and what feels like, I have to start over... by telling myself, it's all true. I have to come to terms daily, where they are... and why they're not with me. I don't particularly blame anyone. While there are plenty of things, I can blame before... it's pointless. It's the things after it was over, that have blown me away. That made me believe the very thing I've asked her... "Why do you hate me?" When it ended, I asked this to her, over and over... in hopes of some realistic answer as to why my family was being torn. Let-a-lone through some online affair. But seeing the reactions of her... her disconnection to me, taking my time from the kids and eventually my involvement altogether. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even be breathing. I've drowned in the misery... and I simply, just shouldn't be here.
I've thought about it every morning when I woke up... everytime I've eaten dinner... every night before bed. The things I would do with my kids on a typical basis... gone. No more bedtime stories or tucking a child into bed. No more, goodnight daddy.
You can literally cry your soul out.
A question that will never leave my mind. Why did I think you loved me, as much as I did to you?
I miss the kids. Just, so much waiting I have to do. So much, trying to do the right thing. Except pot... you got me there... that thing, you've supported since you met me. That conversation you never brought up, about wanting me to quit. Yeah... I was such a horrible man. Completely involved in your family, as my family. Your brothers, as mine. My life... the people I loved, taken from me. All because of Will... and New Years, the videos, didn't want a 3some, I don't love you... I love Will.
I used to pray... I used to wish... I used to believe, that if I wanted something bad enough, I would get it. I believed there was a woman out there, that would make my life so fantastic. And then I met you. Life grew so complicated. So troublesome... and you were always there beside me. You loved me. And I felt so comfortable... I found you. I thought you were fate... that through my series of events in my life, I was supposed to meet you on purpose.
I just never imagined, that I'd have to let go. To feel these feelings, that are so hard to describe... it's still so unbearable. I honestly, wish I had a scream room like I thought about years ago. A room where you can go and scream and feel better. I would definitely cry, scream and then take a nap. I've got to get through this.
I've been making big strides. I submitted my application to school and start in the Spring. I've been working a little part-time thing. It's tough work and not for much, but finding another job has been damn near impossible. I've been saving for a plane ride. So far, I'm at 46.98 and that's only after a few weeks. I might have the money to fly out to the kids, though I have also been considering a Christmas in July. I don't really know... just trying to prepare myself a little.
I asked a woman out on a date. It's been almost 11 months since I have been with any woman. Beth was the last and only 2, since Kendall. I would count Trish, but honestly, I don't remember much from that night. I'm afraid to even consider another relationship. I honestly don't really feel, I need another woman, after investing everything into Kendall. And now, I'm just a man with baggage.
Her name is Jess. I've known her for a long long time. She's got a great, open and exciting personality and she's sorta dealing with the same situation from her ex. He got another woman pregnant and doesn't really want anything to do with his son. Which, personally... I just can't understand. Literally, if Kendall called me right now and said "Cut off your leg and you can have the kids... " They would be in the mail the next day. I'd probably send both... just in case one gets lost in the process.
The truth is. I'm trying to make so many changes in my life. Motivation is tough, when you don't feel like there's much to shoot for. I still think about you. I still think about the 1000 things that would amaze me. The 1000 memories I was lucky enough to have with you. I think about everything I've gained in my life, because of you. I truly believed myself to be extraordinarily lucky and special to have had you... but, I can never go back. I've cried more than I could imagine someone crying. I begged you. I've dealt with all the blows you've given me and still strive for the same thing. To be a father... maybe not the best, but better than most. I didn't and don't deserve all that is the way it is. I got fucked over, by the one person who shouldn't have. And there's nothing I am going to do about it, than to love my kids and to do the best I can to be me.
I miss the kids. And dealing with presidential elections, everyday life and even having to hear Kendall's voice, is all motivated for that one reason. If it wasn't because of them, I wouldn't be here. I've come close to losing my mind, after losing my life. I haven't had a stable ground, though I've tried... but I fall off. I cry for days and what feels like, I have to start over... by telling myself, it's all true. I have to come to terms daily, where they are... and why they're not with me. I don't particularly blame anyone. While there are plenty of things, I can blame before... it's pointless. It's the things after it was over, that have blown me away. That made me believe the very thing I've asked her... "Why do you hate me?" When it ended, I asked this to her, over and over... in hopes of some realistic answer as to why my family was being torn. Let-a-lone through some online affair. But seeing the reactions of her... her disconnection to me, taking my time from the kids and eventually my involvement altogether. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even be breathing. I've drowned in the misery... and I simply, just shouldn't be here.
I've thought about it every morning when I woke up... everytime I've eaten dinner... every night before bed. The things I would do with my kids on a typical basis... gone. No more bedtime stories or tucking a child into bed. No more, goodnight daddy.
You can literally cry your soul out.
A question that will never leave my mind. Why did I think you loved me, as much as I did to you?
I miss the kids. Just, so much waiting I have to do. So much, trying to do the right thing. Except pot... you got me there... that thing, you've supported since you met me. That conversation you never brought up, about wanting me to quit. Yeah... I was such a horrible man. Completely involved in your family, as my family. Your brothers, as mine. My life... the people I loved, taken from me. All because of Will... and New Years, the videos, didn't want a 3some, I don't love you... I love Will.
I used to pray... I used to wish... I used to believe, that if I wanted something bad enough, I would get it. I believed there was a woman out there, that would make my life so fantastic. And then I met you. Life grew so complicated. So troublesome... and you were always there beside me. You loved me. And I felt so comfortable... I found you. I thought you were fate... that through my series of events in my life, I was supposed to meet you on purpose.
I just never imagined, that I'd have to let go. To feel these feelings, that are so hard to describe... it's still so unbearable. I honestly, wish I had a scream room like I thought about years ago. A room where you can go and scream and feel better. I would definitely cry, scream and then take a nap. I've got to get through this.
I've been making big strides. I submitted my application to school and start in the Spring. I've been working a little part-time thing. It's tough work and not for much, but finding another job has been damn near impossible. I've been saving for a plane ride. So far, I'm at 46.98 and that's only after a few weeks. I might have the money to fly out to the kids, though I have also been considering a Christmas in July. I don't really know... just trying to prepare myself a little.
I asked a woman out on a date. It's been almost 11 months since I have been with any woman. Beth was the last and only 2, since Kendall. I would count Trish, but honestly, I don't remember much from that night. I'm afraid to even consider another relationship. I honestly don't really feel, I need another woman, after investing everything into Kendall. And now, I'm just a man with baggage.
Her name is Jess. I've known her for a long long time. She's got a great, open and exciting personality and she's sorta dealing with the same situation from her ex. He got another woman pregnant and doesn't really want anything to do with his son. Which, personally... I just can't understand. Literally, if Kendall called me right now and said "Cut off your leg and you can have the kids... " They would be in the mail the next day. I'd probably send both... just in case one gets lost in the process.
The truth is. I'm trying to make so many changes in my life. Motivation is tough, when you don't feel like there's much to shoot for. I still think about you. I still think about the 1000 things that would amaze me. The 1000 memories I was lucky enough to have with you. I think about everything I've gained in my life, because of you. I truly believed myself to be extraordinarily lucky and special to have had you... but, I can never go back. I've cried more than I could imagine someone crying. I begged you. I've dealt with all the blows you've given me and still strive for the same thing. To be a father... maybe not the best, but better than most. I didn't and don't deserve all that is the way it is. I got fucked over, by the one person who shouldn't have. And there's nothing I am going to do about it, than to love my kids and to do the best I can to be me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Want to be done.
Nothing hurts, like watching the one you love... love another. Throughout this year, I've seen my fair share of it. It can be a torture... if you can't change your way of thinking. If you can't put to the side, forget all the memories, forget the lives, forget the steps through life... it can eat away at your soul. It can eat you from the inside out. And depending on when it consumes you, depends on your inner strength.
I've done okay. Sometimes, I worry if I am able to make it through. And then I remember, that I made it this far. That there have been other women, who've done something similar in my life. Those that have lied and eventually put me into the positions I was once in.
Does Katrina know how tough it was for me to let go of her? Does she know that I still harbor small feelings of remembrance? And then I remember, how things were so very different with Kendall. That for a long time, despite all that we had gone through... I still didn't think, the end was near. I had honestly believed that the situation we were in, would only make us stronger together. That we'd stick together and fight. It was a shock to me... as most of the bullshit is that happens in my life.
I still miss Kendall. So many years together can make it difficult to forget. It could have been more... it should have, if I had done a part better. If I had more communication and guidance as to what it was that she expected. I still miss little things... and things everywhere remind me of her. Walt has a bottle of her shampoo in the bathroom. Sometimes, when I am feeling down and confused... I open it, take a breathe of it. It reminds me of her so much, that sometimes I cry afterwards.
But... in the end. I am doing what I can to forget. She's doing the same, right? Packing away my pictures, momentos and forgetting that at one point, she loved me more than I could comprehend.
I wish it were different. I wish I didn't have to see her in my children. I wish I didn't have to see her, or hear her, or even relate in any form or fashion with her. I want to be done with the love. I want to forget it and focus. Get my mind set back on the proper path, whatever that is.
I've done okay. Sometimes, I worry if I am able to make it through. And then I remember, that I made it this far. That there have been other women, who've done something similar in my life. Those that have lied and eventually put me into the positions I was once in.
Does Katrina know how tough it was for me to let go of her? Does she know that I still harbor small feelings of remembrance? And then I remember, how things were so very different with Kendall. That for a long time, despite all that we had gone through... I still didn't think, the end was near. I had honestly believed that the situation we were in, would only make us stronger together. That we'd stick together and fight. It was a shock to me... as most of the bullshit is that happens in my life.
I still miss Kendall. So many years together can make it difficult to forget. It could have been more... it should have, if I had done a part better. If I had more communication and guidance as to what it was that she expected. I still miss little things... and things everywhere remind me of her. Walt has a bottle of her shampoo in the bathroom. Sometimes, when I am feeling down and confused... I open it, take a breathe of it. It reminds me of her so much, that sometimes I cry afterwards.
But... in the end. I am doing what I can to forget. She's doing the same, right? Packing away my pictures, momentos and forgetting that at one point, she loved me more than I could comprehend.
I wish it were different. I wish I didn't have to see her in my children. I wish I didn't have to see her, or hear her, or even relate in any form or fashion with her. I want to be done with the love. I want to forget it and focus. Get my mind set back on the proper path, whatever that is.