I... am... growing.

  This year, has been a hell of a challenge for me.  This time last year, I was on my knees in puddles of tears.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function...  but being with the kids pushed me through.  I love them and miss them so dearly.  I realize how much I have grown.  Not necessarily more as a man... but possibly strength and trust.  I honestly, have come to a point in my life where I am afraid to trust any woman.  None are what they seem and what they seem, just isn't none.  And all will claim they are the least craziest.  Telling me, as if I haven't heard the line before.

  I still miss her most days.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I didn't have a thought in my head anymore for her, but still...  I ask myself the questions.  What if, this was all different?  What if life, kept heading for the direction, I believe so much it was destined for me to go to...  I'm by far not much of a grown up...  responsible to a degree and a father in much more of that, but still far from grown.  I'm not perfect and never claimed to be in our relationship...  but, I just don't see these lies people are saying about me.  I don't see it when I replay scenarios in my head of what happened.  Very very few times, I've acted towards Kendall in any sort of aggression.  I can be assured, that she was almost always more aggressive than I was.  That I ever talked down to her, except during an argument, which in lots of cases, people can and do talk down to one another.  I'm not saying that's how I play it or what goes down...  but anyone can be low in an argument.  I'm usually the last, but will if necessary to defend myself.  I never scared her with my aggressive if there was any.  She scared me.  She still does.  Maybe intimidate is a better word.  She's always been smarter than me, and while I consider myself to being a very intelligent man, more than most...  she can still outwit me.

  I think about all the moments in my mind, that I spend with her.  Her smile, sometimes is crystal clear.  My dreams lately, have only flaunted her to me.  Making it sometimes more difficult to ignore everything I feel and just replace it with a well-earned anger that pains me daily.  *sigh*  How can you do this to me?  With all the wrong you've done to me... what the hell have I done to earn you to wrong me even more.  Aside, breaking my heart, lying, cheating, drama and taking my kids away from me, what exactly is it that you're trying to say to me?  I just don't get it anymore.  I haven't been able to trust a single thing you've said or decided.  I'm strong, 24/6...  I'm allowed a day to feel like this.

  I wish I could love you like I did.

~John