Where does the ladder start, when you're at the bottom?

  This whole year has been full of reliving every memory I ever had with Kendall.  Maybe replaying the memories in my mind is the way I find out exactly where shit went wrong.  I think about the New York Trip.  I think about living out of hotels.  I think about the times at Dave's.  I think about everything in between.  I think about the moments with the kids... and I ask myself...  was there a sign?

  I'm not foolish.  I know if there were true signs, I would have known at the time.  I just don't see them.  Still to this day, I have dreams.  Strong and pushy, reminding me that I once loved this woman with everything within me.  And despite the trouble and pain I've endured...  beyond the anger and disappointment...  further than the constant pain and emotional rollercoaster...  that somewhere in my heart, I still love her with everything I am.  It scares me.  It brings me down when I realize it.  It still crushes my soul.  I hate it.  I hate that I never saw this coming and I couldn't do anything to prevent it from destroying my entire life, regardless of her interpretation of what's wrong with me or where I failed.

  I called the kids tonight.  It wasn't the usual smiling faces over the phone who have only come to recognize my voice over the phone, through this 2 month absence.  It was frowns, noticeable with their tones.  They were waiting to get off the phone.  Why?  Family movie night...  While it doesn't bother me, it scares me that the children are growing up, thinking that Will is their father and not me.  Especially considering, she's withholding them from me.