Happy?

   It's run through my mind, 100 times a day and over a 1000 times this year.  Am I doing what I need to do to be happy?  I've thought constantly about my family.  The woman, who replaced my heart as easily as a piece of furniture.  Who's lied to me.  Deserted me.  Left alone, after having exactly what I needed in my life.  Then it's all been stripped away.  The nicknames she would call me, she calls him.  Even the children, have replaced me as their daddy.  Something, I couldn't even imagine 2 years ago.  I trusted Kendall with every aspect of my life.  Now, I can't trust anyone.

  Can I be happy?

  I date.  I fuck.  I connect as friends...  but, I don't get close to anything at all of happiness.  I work.  I drink.  I spend time with friends.  I wait.  For what, I have no idea.  For a possibility of something completely impossible.  For, an absolute conclusion to this fucking life.  Answers.  Love.  Promises.  For what?

  It'll never escape my brain.  It'll never disappear.  It's in my soul.  This pain, is in my soul.  This agony.  It hurts, far worse than anything I could imagine.  I'd sooner do Basic Training 4 times in a row, than to go through this with someone I love and hate.  Love her for everything she was...  hate her for everything she's done.

  I miss her.  Still...  and yet, I am forced to continue to let go.

  I miss the kids.  I miss them more than anything.  Hearing laughter, running through the hallways...  shouting for daddy as I walk into the door.  Hugs and kisses before bed.  Singing, dancing, loving every day of my life.  I miss them ungodly.  It's so incredible difficult...

  Will it get better?  Has it?  I know, I am still doing what's best and trying to make the right decisions.  Despite the pain I go through, I still remain vigilant and hopeful for change.  I sometimes, cannot control what I say to Kendall, but with the relentless pushing me out and constant hurting and pain that she knows she's putting me through, I am going to release some of those tensions right back onto her.

  I will never harm her, other than words.  I still care for her, despite arguments.  I'm just tired of her hurting me.  Ignoring me.  Replacing me.  Even just for the kids.  Stop turning me into something I'm not.  Stop LYING about me.  I'm none of these lies.  I've never been physically or emotionally abusive to Kendall.  I have NEVER forced her to have sex with me.  I didn't talk down to Kendall unless there was an argument...  and even then, she was doing it to me.  It's just untrue.  I am more than all of that.  I am more of a man than she gives me credit for.  She used to...  now she's living lies.  She's destroying the credibility of a man, who loved her when no one else did.  When no one else was in her life.  I was there... through thick and thin.  And in the end, she ran.

  Can I be happy?  Am I trying?  I think so...  but it's so hard, when all I think about is Kip and my kids.

  Lord, help me.  Please...  help me through this.  Give me patience and understanding.  One day, this will all change and flip again.  This is not forever.  It'll get better.  :)  It has to get better...  it had fucking better.

I'll be better tomorrow.

~John