The best dreams = the worst wakeup.

It so hard to believe that I am still running through the emotions of Kendall being gone. I wish I wasn't, but also glad I am. It validates what I felt for her. I never hid it, but now I have to. My dreams lately have been getting the best of me. Some so real... It's hard to want to wake up.

One I can remember is arguing with her. Then we make up... Kiss and go to bed. I can almost feel her next to me. She falls asleep. I stay awake. I'm crying, because I'm so happy. Then I wake up and realize she's not there. Those tears of happiness turn to sorrow and it eats me alive. On top of it, I remember the dream. We have tons of dreams we forget... But this one I remember crystal clear and I think that's why it hurts so much. Almost a week later, through a hurricane and earthquake... This dream still sticks out. I wish I could go back to bed and have it again... But I don't want to wake up. I'd rather live in the dream. I still miss her. I need to stay away from her. Every time I see her, I want to tell her I love her and how much of a fool I was. It'll never do me any good. She's gone. Who am I kidding. Anyway, I love her still despite what she's done and what I did. I never stopped and I doubt I ever will.

Someone someday may come and capture my heart..: but it'll never be the same. It won't be her.

~John

Does it truly ever end?

  I had hoped by now that you'd be lost from my mind.  I've seen you more than I can take, but I quickly hold my feelings back when I don't want to.  I still want to act that childish ridiculous manner, that pushed you further from me than I can comprehend.  My mind can't handle being away from you, when I've spent so long training my mind to be with you.  It still wants to be there.  It still tells me that someday you might be back, when I know honestly you won't.

  No longer Kendall (edited and deleted).  It's Kendall (edited and deleted) now.  Glowing with pregnancy...  preparing to make Will a very happy husband and a father.  It's too much for my brain to handle.  I said it last post...  I'm happy your happy.  I'm not happy being without you.  I'm not happy missing you.  I'm upset with myself for letting you go.  Maybe, I didn't try hard enough.  Maybe it was my fault...  maybe it wasn't.  I just wish I had one more chance.  One more chance to change our lives.  To fulfill all the dreams I ever had with you.  My mind doesn't want to let you go.

  I'm dating.  It's not working.  Progress though, right?  I'm not sure.  I'm still thinking about you, when I'm with them.  I've never gone through this with anyone.  Sure, women have come and gone in my life...  and I thought for a short time that I would be with them forever...  but honestly...  I believe fate brought you to me.  We had children...  we made a family...  and it's one that I miss as much as I miss you.  Will these journal entries ever stop?  I don't know.  Some are good days.  Some are bad.  I think about you during all of them.

  You gave me the kids for a few days.  I loved having them.  But, it's still a grim reminder that they will leave.  They will go "home" and away from daddy.  I'm forced with so much, that I just cannot handle.  You've gotten the girls used to calling Johnathan - Jana.  Why?  Does it bother you to call him after his father, that you have to replace his name with a nickname?  How long can I expect that to go on?  Alora updates me on your pregnancy.  I don't know why... let-a-lone can I take, hearing it.  Nothing against you...  or her...  just the ugly truth.  The pain in my heart that cries out, being without you.  Your new life.  Your new family and my absence from it all.

  I thought about running away.  So far away that I'd never see any of you again.  I thought about suicide.  I have never thought about harming you or the kids.  Never.  Not once.  Not even Will, though the advice I was given, was.  It's not in me, as it never was.  But in the end, I cannot do any of those things.  I can't leave the kids.  I love them too much.  I'm doing what I need to do to be closer to them.

  I still wipe the tears from my eyes.  I still dream about you... and somehow hope that you'll call me and talk to me.  Even if it's about nothing at all.  I'm pathetic and I know it.  And I'm hiding it well, so others are constantly asking me...  "Are you okay?"  I'm not okay.  I'm still in love with you.  I'm still crushed that you're not in love with me anymore.  That every thing we've ever done together is all gone.  Will this ever end?  *sigh*

  I stared at the stars for hours last night, making wishes on stars that have never come true.  Still...  I can't give up.  Especially on something as simple as a wish.  I still love you.  I remember every moment I was ever lucky enough to spend with you.  And even moreso, I drown myself in them, because it's all I have left.  I'm sorry.

Goodbye my love.
~John

8 months today...

I remember what you said...  I remember how you made me feel.  I thought I was your one and only... your soulmate... your true love.  Then I found out differently.  Despite everything I've had to go through and the feelings I've had to battle daily as I think about the person you are, I am still left with the constant reminder of how you chose someone else over me.  You gave up on me, like many people give up playing a game or higher education.  You quit.  And on top of quitting, you left me for someone else, almost instantaniously.  You broke me.  You didn't just leave me...  you left me asking why...  why this way.

Didn't you know the feelings I had for you?  Didn't you understand how much we've gone through together to make this, so utterly difficult for me to just accept.  You think I am not a man, but the fact that I am still standing here in some degree or fashion professing my love, is a shear testiment to how much I truly did love you.  At first I thought it was just proving it to myself.  But, after antilyzing the situation a million times in my head, thinking about you constantly, dreaming about you...  hell...  even reminising about our love has been able to get me this far.  Do I think you're coming back.  No...  does it stop me from loving you...?  No.

I've spent a lot of time with Catherine.  She is currently getting ready to move in about a week or so, to the West Coast.  California.  I've spent much time with her and done things I never dreamed I would do with anyone.  New exciting things I, really enjoyed doing.  I waited 7 dates, before sleeping with her and even then... I've had some issues.  Personal ones, but never-the-less I am okay with talking about here.  We have had sex, if that's what you can call it.  I can get hard and an erection, but cumming is an entirely different issue.  I just can't.  I haven't yet, counting the dozens of times that we have slept with one another.  I have yet to cum.  It's been raw...  it's been dirty...  hell, I even thought some anal might do it... but still here I am, clouded mind thinking about the woman I truly want to be with.  The one I fantasize about constantly and imagine that I am somehow still connected with.  I'm pathetic I'm sure.  Perhaps I am just still adjusting.  But, then again... why should I.  Why should I settle on this.  I love Kendall, even still...  I still do, despite.

I've had to overcome many things and in a lot of ways have been backed into a corner with this.  From everything I have commented about with the kids and the things I've had to personally overcome, I just don't see this as being something that's going to be easy for me to do.  When it comes to the kids, I've had things held against me, so that I haven't been able to see them as often as I'd like.  I'd had things restricted against me.  I've missed phone calls with the kids with little or no warning.  Just made to figure things out.  Over the past week, I can say that things have slightly improved, but in the long run... not much has changed.  I am still striving to find what little time I have to spend with them, while I continue to repair my life.  Will this get me to a point where, she will see the man I am and accept the fact that deep down she still loves me, or am I honestly wasting my time hoping for something that'll never come true.  Who knows.  I just know that no amount of advice or help will help me see any light.  Call it stubborness...  call it foolishness...  I call it being hopelessly romantic.  Not giving up on what I truly believe.  I love her.  And there's isn't a .00001% that will believe otherwise.  Not a doubt in my mind that I'm full of shit.  Just the realization that I am wasting my time, loving someone more than life itself, than she could even show an ounce to me at this point in time.  Hell... not even consideration is at this point.  She hates me... and I'm pretty convinced of that.  She hates the fact that she ever was with me... or wasted time on me.  She doesn't have to say it... in fact, she'd probably deny it... but overall... I know.  She doesn't love me.  Not in any sense of the word, LOVE.  But it still, won't kill my love.  Not yet.  There's too much invested.  And while no good will probably come from this, it won't stop me from loving her any less.

I've crossed some lines lately, trying to gain some ground over my children.  I've said things I certainly don't mean... but damnit, what the fuck else am I supposed to do when she basically denies me from spending time with the souls I raised over the last 3 years.  It's heartbreaking...  it's painful.  How can she...  replace me so easily as their father... when I am not a deadbeat, abusive or angerfilled father.  I'm a father hurt and trying to do the best I can.  Nothing more can be said.

Anyways, I feel that this is somewhat a good update.  I will try to add more at a later time to gain more perspective and to try and figure some things out within myself.

I've wanted to tell you for months...

I love you.  I still love you with everything within me.  I miss you.  You were my bestfriend... my lover and the greatest woman I have ever had the pleasure to have children with.  I wish you could see that... and understand the things I didn't always have the chance to show you, but always felt.  I truly hope your life is happy, even if its without me... I just wish I was that lucky man to get you there.  Please forgive my wrongs, as I have done to you so easily over the years.  Goodnight my love.  Here's hoping I can live another day without going crazy, without your love.

~John