So, I recently got a job. I like it. It's tough, but I like it. I work in a Cabinet store. We sell, kitchen do-it-yourself cabinets. They are very nice to be honest. I work with a woman named Heather. She's pretty cool. 35, mother and wife. Pretty easy-going and cool to work with. I'm learning a lot with her about the job. Half of the job, is selling to the customer and working plans on the computer. We reach out and get to know the customer on a semi-personal basis. I remember a lot of my clients names.
On top of a pretty decent paycheck... I get an early start with the benefits package, which is very important to me. Right now, the children aren't covered by any insurance since Kendall quit Rosetta Stone. Here I am, working full-time and starting to save money, also covering the childrens insurance. It should go into effect by June 1st, but also requires some other measure to be made, before it goes into complete effect. But still, I am very excited with being able to do this for my children. I haven't seen them in a week. A lot of it, unfortunately is because I've been working almost every day. I take an hour and 1/2 busride to work. The 22 and the 1. I hop off at the very last stop on the 1 and walk to work. It takes 5 minutes. 3, if I jog... and I have jogged before. I walk up a very steep hill and find refuge in a pink building. Weird. The showroom is quiet. Sometimes I use my phone for music, while I clean-up or check orders and call customers. (I lower it when speaking directly with customers.)
Then usually, I get out around 6. I walk another 5 minutes. (Today I ran. 2 minutes... On Sunday's I literally catch the very last bus.) I hop on the bus and then another hour and a 1/2 home. Meet feet kill me. I'm usually hungry. And it's when I start missing the kids. It when I start missing her. Some days she's so intolerable. Others she still amazes me. How I wish I didn't know her right now.
Work is good, but I know there is room for me to improve. It's been almost 3 weeks and I think I'm getting better daily. And that's all that is important to me. I have realistic plans. I signed up for help siminar for Wilmington University. Get some help with financial aid and take some classes. Graduate with a degree. I'm going out to engagements. Hitting up some bars. Trying to date. I'm planning on going skydiving sometime this year. I have a lot of goals. I will have a car soon. :) Just one day at a time.
~John
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
<--- Sperm Donor...
It's been irking me since she said those words to me. On top of a majority of other fucked up things she's said. Let me start at the beginning I guess. I never expected it to go as far as it did and turn into what it did. I just said my peace, because honestly, it's been one of those things that's been tearing me up from the inside out.
The kids have been calling Will daddy. We got that far. I talked to Kendall about it a week ago and she said that she's neither denied it or officially confirmed it. Last night, after talking to the kids on the phone, I wanted to talk to her. Kylie and Lori, both said something along the lines of Will-Step-daddy, something... and I need to stop hearing that from my children, who've known this man for 4 months... and been living with them for almost 2. I told her how upsetting it was the hear something like that, constantly, when both of them really don't understand the meaning of it. That it hurts and I don't really appreciate the disrespect of her allowing it. That became an argument. Probably because of the fact that, I was a bit aggressive with it. Lets be honest... I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of her words cutting through me... I'm tired of being discluded and I'm tired of being accused of this, that or the other. But one thing, became the next thing... that became the next thing... until she said it. "Sperm Donor".
The honest to god's truth, is that I don't want to give up on the idea of Kendall. While, I am pushing myself to try other things and to see what dating is like out there... I still want to fix things with my ex. How can anyone ever truly believe they love someone, if they can easily snap out of it. I can't. I don't know any man who can... and those who do, don't really love someone. Apparently, I didn't care enough for her or love her enough to do anything. I was never around and never involved. But, every time we fight, there's always something new I have to overcome within the situation. It was... "You didn't work... you're not a man... da da da..." This time, it's I didn't care enough... I was selffish and da da da. I was listening and I can tell you pretty much the whole conversation word for word. BUT... most of it doesn't matter. Most of it, is exactly what I knew I'd be hearing. Painful things, that lead into her opening her floodgates of words and unleashing it's wrath on me.
But there was a few things I didn't expect to hear. I heard the typical. I'm delusional, because my heart wants to believe I can change enough to bring back my wife and my kids. She says I should give up on that hope. I won't ever... I just think there will come a time, where I won't say it anymore. That's what she claims. Maybe she's right, maybe I am delusional, to believe that everything I went through with her was worth something in the end. Maybe I am crazy, because I BELIEVE in what's in my heart and it's not just something I can "get over" in 5 months.
In the heat of the argument, she tells me that I'm basically just a sperm donor. And brings up my past relationship, as a failure in my book. "She must have left you for a reason John... are you seeing a pattern?" I'm not ever saying I didn't make mistakes. I'm not ever saying, I didn't fuck up... or act selfishly at times. I'm SAYING... I love Kendall... and that because of that, I want to fix and better myself. I'm saying that despite my fuck-ups, I'm willing to work them out however they may be.
It just still sticks out in my head. She said it as a passing, ignorant joke almost... but still the words, rock my foundation. "What, a sperm donor?" How dare you... How fucking dare you.
The kids have been calling Will daddy. We got that far. I talked to Kendall about it a week ago and she said that she's neither denied it or officially confirmed it. Last night, after talking to the kids on the phone, I wanted to talk to her. Kylie and Lori, both said something along the lines of Will-Step-daddy, something... and I need to stop hearing that from my children, who've known this man for 4 months... and been living with them for almost 2. I told her how upsetting it was the hear something like that, constantly, when both of them really don't understand the meaning of it. That it hurts and I don't really appreciate the disrespect of her allowing it. That became an argument. Probably because of the fact that, I was a bit aggressive with it. Lets be honest... I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of her words cutting through me... I'm tired of being discluded and I'm tired of being accused of this, that or the other. But one thing, became the next thing... that became the next thing... until she said it. "Sperm Donor".
The honest to god's truth, is that I don't want to give up on the idea of Kendall. While, I am pushing myself to try other things and to see what dating is like out there... I still want to fix things with my ex. How can anyone ever truly believe they love someone, if they can easily snap out of it. I can't. I don't know any man who can... and those who do, don't really love someone. Apparently, I didn't care enough for her or love her enough to do anything. I was never around and never involved. But, every time we fight, there's always something new I have to overcome within the situation. It was... "You didn't work... you're not a man... da da da..." This time, it's I didn't care enough... I was selffish and da da da. I was listening and I can tell you pretty much the whole conversation word for word. BUT... most of it doesn't matter. Most of it, is exactly what I knew I'd be hearing. Painful things, that lead into her opening her floodgates of words and unleashing it's wrath on me.
But there was a few things I didn't expect to hear. I heard the typical. I'm delusional, because my heart wants to believe I can change enough to bring back my wife and my kids. She says I should give up on that hope. I won't ever... I just think there will come a time, where I won't say it anymore. That's what she claims. Maybe she's right, maybe I am delusional, to believe that everything I went through with her was worth something in the end. Maybe I am crazy, because I BELIEVE in what's in my heart and it's not just something I can "get over" in 5 months.
In the heat of the argument, she tells me that I'm basically just a sperm donor. And brings up my past relationship, as a failure in my book. "She must have left you for a reason John... are you seeing a pattern?" I'm not ever saying I didn't make mistakes. I'm not ever saying, I didn't fuck up... or act selfishly at times. I'm SAYING... I love Kendall... and that because of that, I want to fix and better myself. I'm saying that despite my fuck-ups, I'm willing to work them out however they may be.
It just still sticks out in my head. She said it as a passing, ignorant joke almost... but still the words, rock my foundation. "What, a sperm donor?" How dare you... How fucking dare you.
Monday, May 16, 2011
This rollercoaster blows.
Since January, it's been a constant challenge to my integrity and patience. I've had to question things about myself and my surroundings that I never imagined and those I once trusted, I feel I cannot anymore. It's been a constant rollercoaster of emotions that has me back and forth. And still... in all of my rage, hate, anger, pain and anything I've been unfortunate enough to feel... I still think about her. In the greatest moments of our lives. The look of exhaustion on her face, after giving me beautiful babies. Holding her hand as her strength. It doesn't hurt to think about those moments. It reminds me that what I felt was more real than anything I read in a book. It's hard to get over... and still... I don't want to look at her the same as the rest.
I'd still adore and be head over heels, if it wasn't for the growing realization of what I've lost. Of the reminder that, now consumes the life I once lived. They're calling him daddy. If it's her causing this or not, is unknown... but I know that she knows its happening and isn't or hasn't stopped it from happening. It's been eating at me. I'm their father, irreplaceable even in the event of death. I love them and always have... and that's why it is that way. I've taught them and raised them, teaching them a majority of the knowledge they have today. Singing songs, counting, letters, jokes, manners and disciplines. I did the best I could, under the circumstances I had.
That's what hurts. Besides loving a person who doesn't love you anymore... hearing my children call another man daddy hurts. It was an accident before, but lately it seems its been encouraged. Alora told me that, mommy said it was okay. Kendall says that Alora, asked her if she could... Regardless... wouldn't you discourage that, if he is not indeed their father?? It would be like me, leaving Kendall... bringing a new woman into my life in no-time and then teaching or allowing the kids to call this new woman, "mommy". How would Kendall feel?
I'm currently awaiting the kids to call me. I have a really bad headache and have been thinking about them all day. And yes, her too... I really hope she didn't forget, after I reminded her yesterday, called and left a message tonight and was basically promised that I would get to talk to them. I had hoped they could spend the night, but last night they went to some event at Dorian's mom's house. I went to one of the events and actually had a lot of fun. This is just so weird. It's hard even now, with all this time gone by... that it's over. Maybe it's the changes that seem to work less and less in my favor when it comes to her life and being involved in the kids lives. She calls the space we share awkward. I couldn't agree more. But, I also won't accept any of the blame for it. It's a reaction, based on the circumstances she's created. I never give up. But, I know that time will change many things. That like everyone else in my life, our paths will cross again and the world will become topsy-turvy again.
For now, I'm trying my luck on dating sites. I feel ridiculous, but looking for a date. Someone to meet, talk with and find some sort of connection. I doubt much good will come from it, but it's worth a shot.
~John
I'd still adore and be head over heels, if it wasn't for the growing realization of what I've lost. Of the reminder that, now consumes the life I once lived. They're calling him daddy. If it's her causing this or not, is unknown... but I know that she knows its happening and isn't or hasn't stopped it from happening. It's been eating at me. I'm their father, irreplaceable even in the event of death. I love them and always have... and that's why it is that way. I've taught them and raised them, teaching them a majority of the knowledge they have today. Singing songs, counting, letters, jokes, manners and disciplines. I did the best I could, under the circumstances I had.
That's what hurts. Besides loving a person who doesn't love you anymore... hearing my children call another man daddy hurts. It was an accident before, but lately it seems its been encouraged. Alora told me that, mommy said it was okay. Kendall says that Alora, asked her if she could... Regardless... wouldn't you discourage that, if he is not indeed their father?? It would be like me, leaving Kendall... bringing a new woman into my life in no-time and then teaching or allowing the kids to call this new woman, "mommy". How would Kendall feel?
I'm currently awaiting the kids to call me. I have a really bad headache and have been thinking about them all day. And yes, her too... I really hope she didn't forget, after I reminded her yesterday, called and left a message tonight and was basically promised that I would get to talk to them. I had hoped they could spend the night, but last night they went to some event at Dorian's mom's house. I went to one of the events and actually had a lot of fun. This is just so weird. It's hard even now, with all this time gone by... that it's over. Maybe it's the changes that seem to work less and less in my favor when it comes to her life and being involved in the kids lives. She calls the space we share awkward. I couldn't agree more. But, I also won't accept any of the blame for it. It's a reaction, based on the circumstances she's created. I never give up. But, I know that time will change many things. That like everyone else in my life, our paths will cross again and the world will become topsy-turvy again.
For now, I'm trying my luck on dating sites. I feel ridiculous, but looking for a date. Someone to meet, talk with and find some sort of connection. I doubt much good will come from it, but it's worth a shot.
~John
Saturday, May 7, 2011
50/50
I think that there is more going on than I can just contain to Kendall. Or to the "Wow"... which isn't. I think it's becoming more than what I could say about the children, their absence from my parents and family... and what's been going on with my mom. And still, I am standing. I went to work, held back the tears and bit the fucking bullet.
Where to begin. I guess my mom. She has cancer. At least, from what I am told. I don't believe my mom to be lying about it... but, it's almost too much right now. There's a mess going on in her bits and pieces area. They don't know how bad, but that it is... bad. Causing bleeding, discomfort and a lot of other scary things to my ears. It's too much. We got into a typical argument the other day... and when I say we... I mean her... and when I say argument, I mean her saying hurtful things to me. Almost over nothing... I let it slide, knowing her condition and how sick she has been feeling, but I still can't say it doesn't hurt.
My mom did see the kids though, on Tuesday. Kendall took them by to see their grandparents, which is very important to me. I still haven't seen them in a month. It's really bothering me. When I get to talk to them on the phone, I have a hard time holding myself together. Alora is usually a joy to talk to, but Kylie always says the wrong thing. "Mommy and Will are getting married" "Daddy was mean to mommy" "I love you Will...." I hung up once, because of this. It hurt so much, it brought me to tears. It brings me to tears now. But, I'm still doing my best, with everything inside of me, to be there for them. It's almost impossible from my end of the deal. I have to rely on her to bring them to me.
I asked for Kendall's help with getting a few things fixed. It's probably wrong of me to ask for a loan, to take care of a few things... but there was a time that we were a family. And I'm trying to do everything possible to help lessen the load and be around more for my kids. I know she got a big tax-return from all the work she did and money back for the kids... It'll probably go towards creating her new life. I still think it was a little greedy of me to even ask, but when we talked about it months ago, she was okay with it. But immediately shot me and the idea down.
It's not about the money or help. I just know I'm trying to do everything I can to prove to her, that I'm a worthwhile man. That she didn't give me the chance as much as she thinks she did. That I deserve better than the rumors that have been sprouting and her cold heartless tone over the phone. That if anything else... to help me see my kids. More than anything, that's what I miss. Their pictures litter my room in places I often look. Drawings and paintings that remind me of that greater days. Proof to myself, that I'm very lucky to have them.
I've come to the point where, while I miss her... I don't want her back. While, I love her with all my heart, I'm beginning to hate her for her lies and deceit. If I didn't have to, I wouldn't see her. But, with Lori, Kylie and Johnathan in the picture, I'm forced to. What can I really do?
Finally... the "Wow"... Well... after staying the night at a friends house. I thought about the "wow" all day. Not consumed, but certainly well, wowed. Knocked off my feet, thinking maybe... just maybe, she was feeling as alive as I was. I called a friend for advice. He knows her, I want to know her better, I ask him what to do. In the middle of asking, she texts me, asking if I told anyone. I'm curious. She's blunt. "I'd really like to keep this between us." "I wasn't thinking clearly" and "the most we can ever be, is friends." Ouch... burned. And another woman does it again. And it only took her 36 hours this time.
Besides starting my new job... my week has been rough. I will try to talk more about my job at another time. But, lets give it some time to stew and I'll make it a whole post. If it wasn't for starting work this past week, this weekend would have really sucked. I am tired from work, but it's overall evened out my week. A positive against the negative. Here's praying to making it to next weeks grind.
~John
Where to begin. I guess my mom. She has cancer. At least, from what I am told. I don't believe my mom to be lying about it... but, it's almost too much right now. There's a mess going on in her bits and pieces area. They don't know how bad, but that it is... bad. Causing bleeding, discomfort and a lot of other scary things to my ears. It's too much. We got into a typical argument the other day... and when I say we... I mean her... and when I say argument, I mean her saying hurtful things to me. Almost over nothing... I let it slide, knowing her condition and how sick she has been feeling, but I still can't say it doesn't hurt.
My mom did see the kids though, on Tuesday. Kendall took them by to see their grandparents, which is very important to me. I still haven't seen them in a month. It's really bothering me. When I get to talk to them on the phone, I have a hard time holding myself together. Alora is usually a joy to talk to, but Kylie always says the wrong thing. "Mommy and Will are getting married" "Daddy was mean to mommy" "I love you Will...." I hung up once, because of this. It hurt so much, it brought me to tears. It brings me to tears now. But, I'm still doing my best, with everything inside of me, to be there for them. It's almost impossible from my end of the deal. I have to rely on her to bring them to me.
I asked for Kendall's help with getting a few things fixed. It's probably wrong of me to ask for a loan, to take care of a few things... but there was a time that we were a family. And I'm trying to do everything possible to help lessen the load and be around more for my kids. I know she got a big tax-return from all the work she did and money back for the kids... It'll probably go towards creating her new life. I still think it was a little greedy of me to even ask, but when we talked about it months ago, she was okay with it. But immediately shot me and the idea down.
It's not about the money or help. I just know I'm trying to do everything I can to prove to her, that I'm a worthwhile man. That she didn't give me the chance as much as she thinks she did. That I deserve better than the rumors that have been sprouting and her cold heartless tone over the phone. That if anything else... to help me see my kids. More than anything, that's what I miss. Their pictures litter my room in places I often look. Drawings and paintings that remind me of that greater days. Proof to myself, that I'm very lucky to have them.
I've come to the point where, while I miss her... I don't want her back. While, I love her with all my heart, I'm beginning to hate her for her lies and deceit. If I didn't have to, I wouldn't see her. But, with Lori, Kylie and Johnathan in the picture, I'm forced to. What can I really do?
Finally... the "Wow"... Well... after staying the night at a friends house. I thought about the "wow" all day. Not consumed, but certainly well, wowed. Knocked off my feet, thinking maybe... just maybe, she was feeling as alive as I was. I called a friend for advice. He knows her, I want to know her better, I ask him what to do. In the middle of asking, she texts me, asking if I told anyone. I'm curious. She's blunt. "I'd really like to keep this between us." "I wasn't thinking clearly" and "the most we can ever be, is friends." Ouch... burned. And another woman does it again. And it only took her 36 hours this time.
Besides starting my new job... my week has been rough. I will try to talk more about my job at another time. But, lets give it some time to stew and I'll make it a whole post. If it wasn't for starting work this past week, this weekend would have really sucked. I am tired from work, but it's overall evened out my week. A positive against the negative. Here's praying to making it to next weeks grind.
~John