It 3 days away. I've yet to feel any realistic Christmas spirit. It's hard to do this year. Maybe harder than last year, which was more of a surprise finding out that I wouldn't be spending it with my kids. You went back on your promise, like all the ones you made.
I don't want to, but I still think about you. I still dream about you... I want it to stop. I want to forget you. I want to stop crying and feeling, the emotions I've had for so long. I want to stop loving you.
It's unbelievable how my heart went through hell... and it still harbors an ounce of care for you. It's remarkable, that you meant that much to me. Since January 9th, 2011... you've done absolutely everything you can to hurt me. You have taken my life and destroyed my soul. I have little motivation and very little faith in even myself. I have cried more than every moment in my life, combined. I really just wish it'd go away. I really just wish it would stop. Last week would have been our 6 year anniversary. A day that I could never forget. Asking you to marry me. This whole week, I have been completely out of it.
I'm so lost. I'm so broken. I lost my bestfriend and I'm not over it. I miss my children. I love them. I'm afraid of what other ways you plan on keeping them from me. I still don't understand why you did it before.
I miss Lori. I miss Kylie. I miss my son. I miss holding them, smelling them, watching them grow up. Why did you take them from me? Why did you lie to me, deceive me and give my family away? You must not have really loved me, if it was so easy to simply take everything and give it to someone else. And in the manner that you did it... wow. How could you ever believe you're a good person?
I hate saying it, but you've become a lot more like your father. I don't need to know him or your mom. A grandfather who never gave a shit about his grandchildren. A father who never gave a shit about you. A sister who never gave a shit about you. A grandmother and aunt who never gave a shit about you. You hurt the one guy, who gave every bit of a shit about you.
I wish you'd just go. Go away and never enter my life again. Don't ever come back. Don't ever say you're sorry. Don't ever try to fix the mess you've made. Just keep going. I want absolutely every reason to think you never loved me. It's the only excuse for all that you've done.
*sigh*
It's only because I feel miserable... that I know you meant something to me. If I just walked it off... I really didn't care. Just like you. And despite all the similarities that both of us share... this will never be one of them. You were my family. I was disposable. My life was yours for the taking. Fairness and consideration are not in your creed. And damnit, do I hate it.
~John
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Lost? Yeah...
I've only realized recently how lost I am. How so far disconnected, I feel from my life. I pass the days, without a care... when I'm in trouble in many ways. I've lost touch of what I really want and need in my life and grown accustomed to feeling the way I do. Lifeless.
This is for a lot of reasons. Of course, because of you. But, I don't even feel like much of a father anymore. I miss being a dad. I miss them waking me up in the morning, with tickles on my feet. I just miss them, so incredibly much. I haven't been able to cry. It would feel good to do so, but I just haven't been able to. I've distanced myself far from the things that remind me of you. I have to... you're gone. I've distanced myself from them... just so I don't think about you. How could I not? They have just as many of your beautiful features as they do of me.
Will we ever happen again? Is there a way I could go back in time and change things?
I think about you when I don't want to. Even when I am trying to hide you, from my thoughts. I could go on, in a million areas of how I miss you. How I remember everything as frozen as the day it was over. I'm mad at myself... that I believed and trusted you as much as I did. That I even tried to be with you, when it's obvious that you weren't as great as I thought. You betrayed me so horribly... you broke my heart and ripped out my soul. You took what was most important to me. And you have no regrets about it at all. You would do it over again... regardless if you knew how badly this has affected me. How close I've come to just giving up on myself. You manage to hurt the person who loved you the most. Who went through hell with you and still walked out holding your hand. The times you yelled at me, abused me, treated me horribly and never seemed to listen to anything I said. You were my world... and that didn't matter to you.
Now, I'm lost. I'm scared to even try with another person again. Getting emotional and trusting them is the most difficult thing I can do. I haven't gotten past the dating stage in 2 years. Maybe it's why the women I am dating, give up and move on. I understand... I'm just not ready. You were supposed to be it. Supposed to be the fate, that you and I both felt. You were my soulmate. And I hate telling myself that there is possibly another. I felt you were it. I knew it. I still do.
But go. Doesn't matter what memories I have... or the things I wish, believe or care about. I don't want you back. I don't want to see your face. I'd sooner prefer to just say, you don't exists to me anymore. You've destroyed my life and our childrens, just so you could have yours. So you can justify the deceiving and lying you did to me. But, hey... I'm sure your family is happy about the outcome as they helped you with your decision. My love wasn't enough. But it doesn't matter. I'll never forgive you. I'll just go on pretending, you mean absolutely nothing to me and see where it gets me. It's all I got left.
~John
This is for a lot of reasons. Of course, because of you. But, I don't even feel like much of a father anymore. I miss being a dad. I miss them waking me up in the morning, with tickles on my feet. I just miss them, so incredibly much. I haven't been able to cry. It would feel good to do so, but I just haven't been able to. I've distanced myself far from the things that remind me of you. I have to... you're gone. I've distanced myself from them... just so I don't think about you. How could I not? They have just as many of your beautiful features as they do of me.
Will we ever happen again? Is there a way I could go back in time and change things?
I think about you when I don't want to. Even when I am trying to hide you, from my thoughts. I could go on, in a million areas of how I miss you. How I remember everything as frozen as the day it was over. I'm mad at myself... that I believed and trusted you as much as I did. That I even tried to be with you, when it's obvious that you weren't as great as I thought. You betrayed me so horribly... you broke my heart and ripped out my soul. You took what was most important to me. And you have no regrets about it at all. You would do it over again... regardless if you knew how badly this has affected me. How close I've come to just giving up on myself. You manage to hurt the person who loved you the most. Who went through hell with you and still walked out holding your hand. The times you yelled at me, abused me, treated me horribly and never seemed to listen to anything I said. You were my world... and that didn't matter to you.
Now, I'm lost. I'm scared to even try with another person again. Getting emotional and trusting them is the most difficult thing I can do. I haven't gotten past the dating stage in 2 years. Maybe it's why the women I am dating, give up and move on. I understand... I'm just not ready. You were supposed to be it. Supposed to be the fate, that you and I both felt. You were my soulmate. And I hate telling myself that there is possibly another. I felt you were it. I knew it. I still do.
But go. Doesn't matter what memories I have... or the things I wish, believe or care about. I don't want you back. I don't want to see your face. I'd sooner prefer to just say, you don't exists to me anymore. You've destroyed my life and our childrens, just so you could have yours. So you can justify the deceiving and lying you did to me. But, hey... I'm sure your family is happy about the outcome as they helped you with your decision. My love wasn't enough. But it doesn't matter. I'll never forgive you. I'll just go on pretending, you mean absolutely nothing to me and see where it gets me. It's all I got left.
~John