When things were ending, I wrote something. It's in a blackbook, safe in the storage shed, along with almost everything that reminds me of you. At the time, I was so alive, though it wasn't a feeling of alive as it should have been. I lost you. In the days that followed, I had remembered every moment I spent with you and some I did not. I was up late. Most of the time, you had fallen asleep with my baby on you. I cried, seeing the woman I loved in bed with my child. I never told you. It was mine... my little secret. Moments like that made me mushy all the time, but this was one time I never took for granted. I always got up from my seat. I always walked over. I always whispered in your ear, how much I love you and I kissed you on your forehead.
Regardless of what you thought, it was the truth. Though some times were rough with us, I loved you with all my heart. You could be so stubborn and regardless of the how the day went, this is how it ended. I was the biggest, laziest, totally in love with my kids father, I knew. I made you mad at me sometimes and things escalated at times, to a place they never should have gone. But, still I loved you with all my heart.
It's been so long. And while there's a new pile to deal with and a new perspective I look at you, I still feel exactly the same. I've said it before... I hate who you've become. I honestly, don't even know where it came from. I remember a million great moments with you. I cannot imagine going through another million without you.
Now, I'm on the verge of losing it. My son and my daughter are being raised, encouraged and pushed to call a new man daddy. It hasn't stopped one day, as many times as I have tried to talk to you about it. And with their absence from my life, it's all they know. Will is daddy. The man who began all of this. Who you cheated on me with, held him as a secret and managed to replace me in every possible area. This year, I have seen my children 35 hours, not including drivetime. It's July. I haven't seen them for another 7 weeks. And everytime I talk to my son, he thinks I am your husband.
Most people care little. Some don't care at all. This just isn't their life. This is mine and I literally have nothing of it left. I have the pictures, videos and thoughts in my head, that tell me you were real. You were really the love of my life. My children were amazing and I am a lucky father. At least I was. I miss Alora. I miss her so much that sometimes, I just cry staring at her yellow puppy. I fall to pieces that you have taken her out of my life so easily. How did you do it? Did you lie? Did you tell stories? How did you convince her to never want to talk to her father? How could you do it?
Johnathan... I love you with all my heart and soul. The day I found out you were a boy, I cried. I still have your ultrasound. You've brought a joy to my life that I simply cannot explain. I am lucky to have you as a son and to carry on my name. I hope the world treats you better than it did to me.
Kylie... your beauty waking me up for the last 5 years has been truly a gift. There is so much of me in you and I find that to be amazing. You have your fathers sense of humor. You have my lovable personality and finally, I've been very fortunate that I was given the ability to rock you every night to sleep when you were a baby.
Alora... I was there for everything. Your blessing circle, I made a promise that you can always come to me and talk to me about anything. I don't see you any different than Kylie or Johnathan, which is why I hurt the way I do. I am not your father, but would love to have been. Since you were 3 months old and I began babysitting you, I had the pleasure to be with you throughout my life. You're so intelligent and awesome. I love you and hope, you will see me one day as you once did.
Kendall. I write your name and I feel like it belongs to me. Nestled in my heart. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for anything I have ever done, to where I deserved this in my life. You pushed me away before you could really find out how deeply imprinted you were in my heart. I've heard everyone say the meanest, nastiest things... and I cannot bare to listen to them any longer. You were my greatest accomplishment. That someone as amazing as you, could ever love someone like me. Even if it wasn't forever. I wish my life didn't end up like this and I was able to still wake up with you in my arms, make you coffee and wish you a great day at work. I won't ever understand how this came to be... how I actually lived my fear, being abandoned... by my family. The worst thing in the world I could have ever imagined. It happened to me. It's hell. It's a hell I would never wish on anyone, especially you. I don't hate you. I still love you with all my heart. I just cannot take it anymore. Please, take care of our children. Please tell them about their father and how much I loved them. Show them the pictures of me and the stories of all the great things I ever did with them. They mean so much to me. It's just so unbearable to be without them. I'm so lost. Without you and without them. I can't sleep. And when I do, I dream of you. I wish it would just stop, because it's such a painful agony to wake up and you're not there. I never got to say goodbye. And if I could, I'd pull down the moon to prove to you, everything you meant to me. But this is what it is.
I love you.
~John
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
SNAFU - Shit Normal, All Fucked Up
I often would think about the times we spent together. It seemed like I would be lucky enough to spend every day of my life with you.
How things have changed. Life has completely flipped and I am in this hell, that actually was heaven to me. I woke up every day next to you. Now I wake up every day thinking about how you fucked me over.
My kids are gone. The amazing little souls, that would climb into bed with us, snuggle with us for hours and made me feel like such an amazing man. Now I wake up to TV's on, smoke in the air and an overall consistant feeling like I am no longer a factor in even my own life.
I had a job daily. I spent it raising children, making dinners, doing laundry and awaiting your return every hour of my day. Now, I clean up after others who don't appreciate it, watch my mother snort things up her nose, flip out, talk behind peoples back, my sister act like a bitch, manipulate her fiance, lazy around while she grows fatter and dumber. I smell my brother smoking endless amounts of pot, waste his life playing his Xbox, who has more attention and money put into it than his own son and my dad get no where.
I fight to be a father to my children, when I was all that my children had. I struggle to make ends meet... how can I provide for them? I'm fighting unemployment for the first time in my life that I've ever had to collect. I argue with people who say the most hurtful things they can think of. I just want to cry. I have no support, no love, no consideration.
2 years ago, you were everything. They were everything. Then you changed my life. I never saw it coming. I trusted you, though I shouldn't have. Your track record definitely speaks for itself. And still... all I want is them. My son, doesn't even know me as his daddy. He confuses me for Will and it kills my soul everytime I am forced to hear it. I've tried so hard. I've fought so long and I'm just growing so weary... I cannot lie and say, that there have been a thousand times that I haven't thought about just ending it all. About giving up completely and not giving the world another chance to do this to me further. Slam me with every possible cruel, fucked up thing that I couldn't have even imagined. I am really unsure if I can keep going. I keep telling myself, just one more day. Things will get better. One day closer to see them. One day closer until they find out the truth. One day closer for me to sit around and marvel at karma, coming back and getting every person who's wronged me, for their own self-preservation. So I can sit, laugh and feel the same feelings that you feel now. Ha. You sure got me. You sure fucked my life up, so badly that I don't even know where to begin.
I don't stick around for that though. I don't sit and wait to see the fate of the world and wonder how long, just to see you assholes, get exactly what you deserve in the end. Instead, I wait. Wait to be a father. Wait to be loved as I once thought I was. Wait to see the silver lining. Will I win a 1,000,000 dollars? Will the world know my name? Who the hell knows. Who the hell knows.
Still... with all this brewing. This pain, stewing. I think of you. I think of you, when you were most beautiful in my eyes. I think of you, when you were the amazing woman I once knew. I block out the nonsense. I block out the bullshit people tell me daily. I ignore them. You were not capable of hurting a fly. You once loved me with all your heart. You made me what I was. Who I am. How you've changed... how you have most certainly have changed.
How things have changed. Life has completely flipped and I am in this hell, that actually was heaven to me. I woke up every day next to you. Now I wake up every day thinking about how you fucked me over.
My kids are gone. The amazing little souls, that would climb into bed with us, snuggle with us for hours and made me feel like such an amazing man. Now I wake up to TV's on, smoke in the air and an overall consistant feeling like I am no longer a factor in even my own life.
I had a job daily. I spent it raising children, making dinners, doing laundry and awaiting your return every hour of my day. Now, I clean up after others who don't appreciate it, watch my mother snort things up her nose, flip out, talk behind peoples back, my sister act like a bitch, manipulate her fiance, lazy around while she grows fatter and dumber. I smell my brother smoking endless amounts of pot, waste his life playing his Xbox, who has more attention and money put into it than his own son and my dad get no where.
I fight to be a father to my children, when I was all that my children had. I struggle to make ends meet... how can I provide for them? I'm fighting unemployment for the first time in my life that I've ever had to collect. I argue with people who say the most hurtful things they can think of. I just want to cry. I have no support, no love, no consideration.
2 years ago, you were everything. They were everything. Then you changed my life. I never saw it coming. I trusted you, though I shouldn't have. Your track record definitely speaks for itself. And still... all I want is them. My son, doesn't even know me as his daddy. He confuses me for Will and it kills my soul everytime I am forced to hear it. I've tried so hard. I've fought so long and I'm just growing so weary... I cannot lie and say, that there have been a thousand times that I haven't thought about just ending it all. About giving up completely and not giving the world another chance to do this to me further. Slam me with every possible cruel, fucked up thing that I couldn't have even imagined. I am really unsure if I can keep going. I keep telling myself, just one more day. Things will get better. One day closer to see them. One day closer until they find out the truth. One day closer for me to sit around and marvel at karma, coming back and getting every person who's wronged me, for their own self-preservation. So I can sit, laugh and feel the same feelings that you feel now. Ha. You sure got me. You sure fucked my life up, so badly that I don't even know where to begin.
I don't stick around for that though. I don't sit and wait to see the fate of the world and wonder how long, just to see you assholes, get exactly what you deserve in the end. Instead, I wait. Wait to be a father. Wait to be loved as I once thought I was. Wait to see the silver lining. Will I win a 1,000,000 dollars? Will the world know my name? Who the hell knows. Who the hell knows.
Still... with all this brewing. This pain, stewing. I think of you. I think of you, when you were most beautiful in my eyes. I think of you, when you were the amazing woman I once knew. I block out the nonsense. I block out the bullshit people tell me daily. I ignore them. You were not capable of hurting a fly. You once loved me with all your heart. You made me what I was. Who I am. How you've changed... how you have most certainly have changed.