Sometimes I think of nothing more.
I cannot get you off my mind.
Sometimes I feel completely lost.
As there's nothing I need to find.
Sometimes my stomach still aches.
Sometimes I wish this was new.
Than these feelings I've grown used to.
Before my days turned so blue.
Sometimes I miss your face.
Sometimes I miss your hands.
Sometimes I miss your touch.
Sometimes you don't understand.
Sometimes I wish I was different.
So you would fall in love with me again.
I know that is farthest from the truth.
After seeing how you've been.
Sometimes I wonder if,
I really knew who you are.
If I knew it all these years,
why our distance is so far.
Do you realize?
How you meant the world to me?
Do you realize?
How much you betrayed me.
I don't feel like me.
I don't feel you anymore.
I cry so hard.
Pounding my fists on the floor.
You've taken it all.
You've taken my life.
You've taken my heart.
You were my wife.
You've destroyed all...
I ever felt for you.
Sometimes I think nothing at all...
Sometimes I am through.
Sometimes I swear...
I'll throw it all away.
Sometimes I want to pull you close...
Whisper and say.
I love you. I love you so. I miss you. I miss you so. You were the great. You were the greatest so...
At some point, I need to let go.
It's not that easy. I wish I could. Sometimes... I just wish you would.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Almost there...
It's a few short days away. I haven't accomplished much, than to enjoy my vacation, which I'm doubting if I should have taken... but definitely needed. If not from the rut of my family, with whom I'm spending more time with than I can handle, after Aunt Ronnie's death. I have been steadily looking for work, every day, even while in Miami. But, still having little luck.
I think I should remark, that this part of my blog begins a quiet era. I need to write. It vents what I think and dream. Regardless of how silly... it has been something I've used for years to talk to and vent out frustrations. I might have mentioned this all before. "Her (who shall remain nameless)" lawyer sent me a summons, stating I had to take my blog down from public view. Honestly, as far as I am aware of... not many people read it. Let-a-lone did I expect her to. I mean, sometimes I write as if I'm asking questions... but, I really don't expect an answer or even a glace. Kelley reads this blog and talks to me on bad days. She's been there to listen to my cries, since the beginning. She's known "us" since the beginning and cares about what I am going through. From other perspectives, I can understand they don't see it that way. But I do. She's helped me through the beginning of all of this.
So... lets talk.
Miami was amazing. It was hell getting down there and I used some savings that I had put to the side, specifically for the trip, back in December. I took care of the hotel. It was awesome.
Sunday we arrive. Unpack, Hook up prospective computers, find a place for dinner. BLAM. We land in a German Restaurant. Pretty authentic and a lot of fun. We have Easter dinner, which was delicious... and the atmosphere was great. But, I glanced around a lot noticing families in each of the booths. It made me wonder what it would have been like to be surrounded by the kids. I only get a few times, where I can openly talk about the kids on the vacation without annoying anyone. So, I smiled and made jokes or anything that could take my mind off it.
We stopped into Ft. Lauderdale. The water was amazing. The moon had the most incredibly shimmer across the water. It really sunk in, how I really needed to take this trip. We step into a bar. I order a typical beer, because Tom and Joe were already talking about going to the bar next door. Joy... I know I'm not going to sit and relax. And I don't. We move to a Big Kahuna knockoff or something, get the free drink because of our wristbands. We listen to some karaoke. I sing a song and then back to the car and off to the hotel for bed. I called the kids, but never got through. I called a few times actually. It hurt. Year number 2 with no Easter.
On Monday, we went out to a sportsbar. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do on my vacation was sit and drink. I was saving that for the club. Which, I'll get to. Decked out in Phillies Gear, we sit and watch the game. And little by little, watch them lose. Not a great game. We spent a little time on the beach, which I walked away a little red. I got ahold of Scooby and Jay. Both of my cousins from when I was little. Both are real straight edge good guys. Far from the antics of the alcoholics and shit in my family. They both turned out pretty good. We caught up. I felt like I was rambling at times, but I guess everything was cool. They are family. We spent a couple house catching up, grabbing a quick bite to eat. And then talking some more. We spoke like old men.
Tuesday was a great day. We woke up and left right away for the Marina in Ft. Lauderdale. He had yet to really goto Miami... but that was just fine. We get there on time. Tom had set everything while we were all sleeping. We were to take a ride on the Party Boat. Which really wasn't really a "party" boat, but a fun boat. Had a slide off the back, a water trampoline, an amazing view anywhere on the boat. It was rocking. Probably because of the kids and parents and type of crowd, it wasn't at it's true making, but hell... I had a ton of fun, just being a big kid for a little while.
Tuesday night, we go back to the hotel. We all shower, dress and get ready for a night on the town in Miami. We pull into Miami. We're all excited, dressed in our best. Each doused in flavors of colognes and perfumes. We pack and feed the meter 4 hours worth of quarters. We get to the club. We're redirected and have to walk through a group of promoters who are just annoying as shit. We make our way to this new club. BIG guys in tuxedos guard the doors and grope just about every area you've got. 25$ cover charge. The most I have EVER paid. 14$ drinks. Unbelievable. But, undoubtedly, amazingly... the best, dance floor I have ever danced on. The second would be Lagoo... when Stevie B. was there, but it was because of the company.
Tom fled the club down the beach. He was drunk, but Joe, Sam and I were completely sober. It was pretty funny actually. He crashed on the beach, on him butt. He was excited, shouting about how we were actually on Miami beach. He rambled... and started talking about our friendship and how long we've known one another and then talked about "her". I didn't, only because I had already thought about her and dealt with that, early in the day. I didn't want to get back into it. I got him up and we moved him the 2 blocks back to car. We drove back to the hotel. On the ride back, Tom puked... which was an accomplishment... because honestly, no one had ever seen Tom puke. He's passed out... and thanks to some pirate gear, we tagged him for that one.
Wednesday, no one wanted to leave, though Joe was in a rush all day to get back on the road. We traveled back down to Miami. We pulled into the city and walked around getting pictures of a lot of different things. I realized, how much weight I've gained, once I looked at those pictures. I don't really like it. I don't really know how I got it. I didn't think my eating increased or moving around decreased. I do know, I want to lose it. I said that before... We head back to the beach and rent some bikes for an hour. I talk to Kylie and Johnathan. Still no Lori. I don't know how to cope with that. Sometimes, when I am done talking to K and J and the phone hangs up, I still tear up. It still really bothers me. It will for a long long time. We leave... sun still in the sky. It was a great trip. I haven't smiled like that in a few years.
We drive home.
I think I should remark, that this part of my blog begins a quiet era. I need to write. It vents what I think and dream. Regardless of how silly... it has been something I've used for years to talk to and vent out frustrations. I might have mentioned this all before. "Her (who shall remain nameless)" lawyer sent me a summons, stating I had to take my blog down from public view. Honestly, as far as I am aware of... not many people read it. Let-a-lone did I expect her to. I mean, sometimes I write as if I'm asking questions... but, I really don't expect an answer or even a glace. Kelley reads this blog and talks to me on bad days. She's been there to listen to my cries, since the beginning. She's known "us" since the beginning and cares about what I am going through. From other perspectives, I can understand they don't see it that way. But I do. She's helped me through the beginning of all of this.
So... lets talk.
Miami was amazing. It was hell getting down there and I used some savings that I had put to the side, specifically for the trip, back in December. I took care of the hotel. It was awesome.
Sunday we arrive. Unpack, Hook up prospective computers, find a place for dinner. BLAM. We land in a German Restaurant. Pretty authentic and a lot of fun. We have Easter dinner, which was delicious... and the atmosphere was great. But, I glanced around a lot noticing families in each of the booths. It made me wonder what it would have been like to be surrounded by the kids. I only get a few times, where I can openly talk about the kids on the vacation without annoying anyone. So, I smiled and made jokes or anything that could take my mind off it.
We stopped into Ft. Lauderdale. The water was amazing. The moon had the most incredibly shimmer across the water. It really sunk in, how I really needed to take this trip. We step into a bar. I order a typical beer, because Tom and Joe were already talking about going to the bar next door. Joy... I know I'm not going to sit and relax. And I don't. We move to a Big Kahuna knockoff or something, get the free drink because of our wristbands. We listen to some karaoke. I sing a song and then back to the car and off to the hotel for bed. I called the kids, but never got through. I called a few times actually. It hurt. Year number 2 with no Easter.
On Monday, we went out to a sportsbar. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do on my vacation was sit and drink. I was saving that for the club. Which, I'll get to. Decked out in Phillies Gear, we sit and watch the game. And little by little, watch them lose. Not a great game. We spent a little time on the beach, which I walked away a little red. I got ahold of Scooby and Jay. Both of my cousins from when I was little. Both are real straight edge good guys. Far from the antics of the alcoholics and shit in my family. They both turned out pretty good. We caught up. I felt like I was rambling at times, but I guess everything was cool. They are family. We spent a couple house catching up, grabbing a quick bite to eat. And then talking some more. We spoke like old men.
Tuesday was a great day. We woke up and left right away for the Marina in Ft. Lauderdale. He had yet to really goto Miami... but that was just fine. We get there on time. Tom had set everything while we were all sleeping. We were to take a ride on the Party Boat. Which really wasn't really a "party" boat, but a fun boat. Had a slide off the back, a water trampoline, an amazing view anywhere on the boat. It was rocking. Probably because of the kids and parents and type of crowd, it wasn't at it's true making, but hell... I had a ton of fun, just being a big kid for a little while.
Tuesday night, we go back to the hotel. We all shower, dress and get ready for a night on the town in Miami. We pull into Miami. We're all excited, dressed in our best. Each doused in flavors of colognes and perfumes. We pack and feed the meter 4 hours worth of quarters. We get to the club. We're redirected and have to walk through a group of promoters who are just annoying as shit. We make our way to this new club. BIG guys in tuxedos guard the doors and grope just about every area you've got. 25$ cover charge. The most I have EVER paid. 14$ drinks. Unbelievable. But, undoubtedly, amazingly... the best, dance floor I have ever danced on. The second would be Lagoo... when Stevie B. was there, but it was because of the company.
Tom fled the club down the beach. He was drunk, but Joe, Sam and I were completely sober. It was pretty funny actually. He crashed on the beach, on him butt. He was excited, shouting about how we were actually on Miami beach. He rambled... and started talking about our friendship and how long we've known one another and then talked about "her". I didn't, only because I had already thought about her and dealt with that, early in the day. I didn't want to get back into it. I got him up and we moved him the 2 blocks back to car. We drove back to the hotel. On the ride back, Tom puked... which was an accomplishment... because honestly, no one had ever seen Tom puke. He's passed out... and thanks to some pirate gear, we tagged him for that one.
Wednesday, no one wanted to leave, though Joe was in a rush all day to get back on the road. We traveled back down to Miami. We pulled into the city and walked around getting pictures of a lot of different things. I realized, how much weight I've gained, once I looked at those pictures. I don't really like it. I don't really know how I got it. I didn't think my eating increased or moving around decreased. I do know, I want to lose it. I said that before... We head back to the beach and rent some bikes for an hour. I talk to Kylie and Johnathan. Still no Lori. I don't know how to cope with that. Sometimes, when I am done talking to K and J and the phone hangs up, I still tear up. It still really bothers me. It will for a long long time. We leave... sun still in the sky. It was a great trip. I haven't smiled like that in a few years.
We drive home.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I'm RICH! April Fools!!
... Today, I spent my day off work. Not usual for a Sunday. Normally, I am there every Sunday. I took off today to goto a funeral for my aunt Ronnie. Someone very close to me. Family that's very close to me. I saw cousins that I haven't seen in years and recalled memories. I had wished the kids were there with me. I had also wished Kendall was too. A time like that, I could have used her holding my hand, smiling her life into me.
Drama ensued, as expected... but not in the way I had pictured. Uncle Steve did some drinking. Not much at first. I understand why... but also am mature enough to know that there's another time and another place for it. Not there... not today. After leaving abruptly after a confrontation with Shane (Ronnie's oldest) he left. To where... no one knew. Coming close to the end of the day, I got a phone call. It was Mark McIntire for Cabinets To Go. He's a co-owner I guess? He was assessing our location when today, literally today... he got the call. Close our location. Effective immediately.
I was being let go, along with Paul. Happily with a severance pay... but nevertheless... WTF.
And to call at that point in time. At a funeral. On top of April 1st. April Fools Day. Are you kidding me?!
What about my kids insurance? What about the security of my job... which while I stuck my neck out for them, I feel I'm owed a little in return. *sigh*
Steve returned. Drunker. I took the keys, got him into the car and drove the hour drive home. He complained, he whined... he almost had me to the point, where I would have pulled over and kicked his ass. I was in no way nice to him. To me, this was a slap in the face to her children, who had to witness this. He wanted me to get him more. It never would have happened.
I talked to the kids today. While it was before anything could go wrong... it still lifted my day. Kylie acted as if she didn't want to get off the phone with me. She talked to Kendall about coming to visit me soon, which shocked me and made me feel good, because it was all on her. I said nothing about it and she outright came out with it. She misses me. I know she does... I wonder if Lori does. I miss her. I miss them all so much. All I could do today, was walk around showing off my kids pictures and videos. They were all saddened to hear about why they weren't beside me or their mother for that matter. I confessed honestly, that despite everything... I still wanted to be with her, but quickly got off the subject when I realized that I was thinking about it more than I should.
I have court coming up this month and am in no way prepared. Looking for an attourney has proven to suck ass. I can't believe it. I've looked in Delaware and haven't found really any able to work in NJ. I called the courthouse in NJ, only to be told the waiting list is in May. Which is too late. And once I get there, what am I to do? Fight her with crossfire of her wrong-doings over the years...? I really don't want to do that. I don't. I really really don't. Can I make that clearer? But, apparently, I have to. I have to, to have any real shot with my children. To have a part in their lives, instead of looking like a fuck-up. And don't get me wrong... I am not perfect... I am an excellent father and was a pretty good husband, when we weren't arguing. I always thought of them... I always thought of her. Even in the last moments, I truly remember with her... I laid by her side, checking her temperature throughout the night. She was seemingly deathly sick, from something she had gotten from the kids. I had it, but only I could take care of me in Baltimore. I took care of her for 2 straight days, with soup and teas. Checking temperatures and taking care of babies... and even at her worst, I loved her.
I don't want to lose my kids. I DON'T want to lose MY KIDS. I don't want to fight this is court. I don't want to be replaced as a father... I don't want to be replaced as a daddy... I DON'T want to be replaced as love. But it's all happened. Will this happen too? I'm scared. And now, with the lingering sense of no job... I'm more afraid.
Why must my life have so many twists and turns? Why can it not stay constant? Why can't I spend 5 minutes, holding your hand and looking into your eyes and knowing you love me with everything in your soul.
So much is unanswered. Some, I'll never get answers to. But, I know I don't want to change. And I don't want the world to change me. I've become a strong strong man, even before my life fell apart. I've help pull friends through the tragedy that I myself, feared to face.
I need to get off this. Off this rant... but I need to say one thing.
It'll stick with me, the rest of my life. I would have done anything for you. I did do anything. And I'd do it again, just to be next to you. You were my everything. You gave me what was most important in my life, as I stood there holding your hand. How can this be so easy for you and so hard for me?
~John
Drama ensued, as expected... but not in the way I had pictured. Uncle Steve did some drinking. Not much at first. I understand why... but also am mature enough to know that there's another time and another place for it. Not there... not today. After leaving abruptly after a confrontation with Shane (Ronnie's oldest) he left. To where... no one knew. Coming close to the end of the day, I got a phone call. It was Mark McIntire for Cabinets To Go. He's a co-owner I guess? He was assessing our location when today, literally today... he got the call. Close our location. Effective immediately.
I was being let go, along with Paul. Happily with a severance pay... but nevertheless... WTF.
And to call at that point in time. At a funeral. On top of April 1st. April Fools Day. Are you kidding me?!
What about my kids insurance? What about the security of my job... which while I stuck my neck out for them, I feel I'm owed a little in return. *sigh*
Steve returned. Drunker. I took the keys, got him into the car and drove the hour drive home. He complained, he whined... he almost had me to the point, where I would have pulled over and kicked his ass. I was in no way nice to him. To me, this was a slap in the face to her children, who had to witness this. He wanted me to get him more. It never would have happened.
I talked to the kids today. While it was before anything could go wrong... it still lifted my day. Kylie acted as if she didn't want to get off the phone with me. She talked to Kendall about coming to visit me soon, which shocked me and made me feel good, because it was all on her. I said nothing about it and she outright came out with it. She misses me. I know she does... I wonder if Lori does. I miss her. I miss them all so much. All I could do today, was walk around showing off my kids pictures and videos. They were all saddened to hear about why they weren't beside me or their mother for that matter. I confessed honestly, that despite everything... I still wanted to be with her, but quickly got off the subject when I realized that I was thinking about it more than I should.
I have court coming up this month and am in no way prepared. Looking for an attourney has proven to suck ass. I can't believe it. I've looked in Delaware and haven't found really any able to work in NJ. I called the courthouse in NJ, only to be told the waiting list is in May. Which is too late. And once I get there, what am I to do? Fight her with crossfire of her wrong-doings over the years...? I really don't want to do that. I don't. I really really don't. Can I make that clearer? But, apparently, I have to. I have to, to have any real shot with my children. To have a part in their lives, instead of looking like a fuck-up. And don't get me wrong... I am not perfect... I am an excellent father and was a pretty good husband, when we weren't arguing. I always thought of them... I always thought of her. Even in the last moments, I truly remember with her... I laid by her side, checking her temperature throughout the night. She was seemingly deathly sick, from something she had gotten from the kids. I had it, but only I could take care of me in Baltimore. I took care of her for 2 straight days, with soup and teas. Checking temperatures and taking care of babies... and even at her worst, I loved her.
I don't want to lose my kids. I DON'T want to lose MY KIDS. I don't want to fight this is court. I don't want to be replaced as a father... I don't want to be replaced as a daddy... I DON'T want to be replaced as love. But it's all happened. Will this happen too? I'm scared. And now, with the lingering sense of no job... I'm more afraid.
Why must my life have so many twists and turns? Why can it not stay constant? Why can't I spend 5 minutes, holding your hand and looking into your eyes and knowing you love me with everything in your soul.
So much is unanswered. Some, I'll never get answers to. But, I know I don't want to change. And I don't want the world to change me. I've become a strong strong man, even before my life fell apart. I've help pull friends through the tragedy that I myself, feared to face.
I need to get off this. Off this rant... but I need to say one thing.
It'll stick with me, the rest of my life. I would have done anything for you. I did do anything. And I'd do it again, just to be next to you. You were my everything. You gave me what was most important in my life, as I stood there holding your hand. How can this be so easy for you and so hard for me?
~John