Fuck you... for being on my mind.

  God DAMN you...

You haunt my dreams.  You haunt my memories...  every part of my day, I am constantly thinking about what we had.  Thinking of every god damn moment that I was ever lucky enough to spend with you.  It makes me pissed that, even after all this time...  you've had a baby from Will and convinced our children that he is there father, that I could ever still love you and look at you the same way... but I do.  And I fucking hate myself for even thinking or acting that way.  I've asked around about therapy.  Would it help for someone like me?  Someone who believed with every ounce of me that you were my soul mate?  That I would go on looking into your beautiful blue eyes for the rest of my life, for those same eyes to lie to me, right to my face?

  Fuck.  Nothing I can do, right?  Nothing I can say about this situation?  Nothing I can argue about...  despite what those may think, I may actually still want you in my life.  My decision has not been made up, though I tell people that.  I loved you.  I loved absolutely EVERYTHING about you... and for seemingly little reason, you gave up on me and walked away.  Even then, my heart still some days, does not want to let go.  It does not want to believe you would hurt me purposely, even though it very much seems like you are.  Like you are on a mission to destroy any love I may have left for you.  You've denied me my right to my children... You've promised Will Alora... which both you and I know ultimately I am her father...  you've denied me, anyway you possibly can.  Why?  Why do you continue to hurt me so?  Even while pursuing you own happiness, you've knowingly destroyed mine.

  I love you Kendall.  and I hate myself for ever admitting such a truth.  Everything you and I have been through and this is what it is now.  I loved you the day you told me that you didn't want me anymore... what else was I to do?  Why would you do this to me?  Do you really not love me, after making a family with me?  After going through every hardship with me, only to come out on top, because you were with me?  After everything... after 6 years... and yet, here we are?  Why are you doing this to me?

  Did you really think after a year, this should would just fade?  That I would forget all of our life together?  It's not possible... and ever while possibly create another life with someone else, I will still think of the life I started to create with you.  About how I stood by your side as you gave birth to OUR children.  I say OUR, because it's not "Will's".  They are my kids, if you like that or not.  And what you're doing to them or allowing them to be done, is completely messed up.  I've never for a second proven that I deserve to NOT be their father.  If anything, I have every attempt at BEING they're father and following through on every responsible decision that has followed me thusfar.  I've been an EXCELLENT father and you know it.  So why teach OUR children differently.  Why do I deserve to be cut out the way that you have been.  It's not fair.  It's fucked up.  It's painful and utterly disgusting for you to do me.

  I still love you.  Real love doesn't die, like your's did for me.  That's how I know... who really loved who in all of this...  you claim I never showed you... but here I am, still a year later, missing you and loving you no different than the day I met you...  and here you are, replacing everything that I was, with another man.  Who loved who?  Who gave up and who was really in love with the other person?  Do you think that poem I wrote you was a fluke?  About kissing your forehead every night?  It was an honest-to-god truth.  I literally kissed your head everynight before going to bed, most of the time with you in my arms.  I never for a second thought of another person in our life, while you were waiting for the next best thing... and the second he came around, you gave him everything that was mine, including my title as a father...  but I won't let you go any further... I shouldn't even allow you to live as normal as you'd like to.  You're MOTHER would be disgusted with you, because you could not lie enough to her about me, as you have everyone else.  She would hold you in the same regard right now, as I do... you left me in tears and heartbroken.  You left me with nothing, than a need to fight for what is absolutely mine... including Alora! 

  I just don't know what else to do.  I know what I should do, but my intention tells me I don't want to hurt you.  I love you still and to hurt you wouldn't mean I do.  YES... I've said hurtful things, especially with that text a month ago, telling you that you should've kept your legs closed... but... again... how should I feel?  You've betrayed me.  You fucked all the trust I ever had, in the most trustworthy person I've ever met in my life.  You've turned me into a bad guy, where there is utterly nothing about me, that's ultimately bad.  I'm a great guy... and to live with yourself, you've had to invent these lies about me, that only speak bullshit...  Only those full of shit, believe you.  Otherwise, most of the rest of your friends and mine... know for sure, that there is no way, that that is me.  They've been involved in our lives... they've been around for everything within us and our children and none of them has seen a shred of proof that I am any bit of a man, that you claim I am to be.  So you know and I KNOW... that what you've been saying is not me.

  How can you live with yourself?  Knowing you've completely crushed the ONE man, who's known everything about you... lifted you when you needed the strength and been there every step of the way.  And you've known I've loved you.  No matter what, I always made that apparent.  I never hide, that I've loved you, my feelings towards you or anything at all...  you'd be a complete and utter fool to say, that you never knew...  You would.  Even now...  are you fucking kidding me?

  I want to give up.  I want to hate, destroy, get angry...  fucking do whatever it takes, to get your beautiful face and mind out of MINE.  I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of feeling completely alone, even though I'm dating someone...  Feeling alone, while I sleep on the floor in my fathers room...  feeling alone, while I don't see my children, but you see them every day, calling some man who is not in any way shape or form, their father...  Are you kidding me...  is this the regard you hold me to?  I'm glad I could trust you, like you told me to, in the beginning of all of this.  That I should be happy for you, now that you apparently found love.  That I should be happy that you're replacing our children from my life, to better suit yours.  Well, I won't let you.  GOD DAMNIT... I fucking won't let you !!!  What the fuck is wrong with you for you to act and do something like that...  ARE YOU FUCKING kidding ME?!?  Would I EVER do this to you?  HELL NO.  I have integrity.  I have love.  I have respect.  I have everything that you don't have and frankly, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself, because I am ashamed of myself for ever claiming I love you.  I am mad that I ever gave you a chance...

  FUCK.

Happy?

   It's run through my mind, 100 times a day and over a 1000 times this year.  Am I doing what I need to do to be happy?  I've thought constantly about my family.  The woman, who replaced my heart as easily as a piece of furniture.  Who's lied to me.  Deserted me.  Left alone, after having exactly what I needed in my life.  Then it's all been stripped away.  The nicknames she would call me, she calls him.  Even the children, have replaced me as their daddy.  Something, I couldn't even imagine 2 years ago.  I trusted Kendall with every aspect of my life.  Now, I can't trust anyone.

  Can I be happy?

  I date.  I fuck.  I connect as friends...  but, I don't get close to anything at all of happiness.  I work.  I drink.  I spend time with friends.  I wait.  For what, I have no idea.  For a possibility of something completely impossible.  For, an absolute conclusion to this fucking life.  Answers.  Love.  Promises.  For what?

  It'll never escape my brain.  It'll never disappear.  It's in my soul.  This pain, is in my soul.  This agony.  It hurts, far worse than anything I could imagine.  I'd sooner do Basic Training 4 times in a row, than to go through this with someone I love and hate.  Love her for everything she was...  hate her for everything she's done.

  I miss her.  Still...  and yet, I am forced to continue to let go.

  I miss the kids.  I miss them more than anything.  Hearing laughter, running through the hallways...  shouting for daddy as I walk into the door.  Hugs and kisses before bed.  Singing, dancing, loving every day of my life.  I miss them ungodly.  It's so incredible difficult...

  Will it get better?  Has it?  I know, I am still doing what's best and trying to make the right decisions.  Despite the pain I go through, I still remain vigilant and hopeful for change.  I sometimes, cannot control what I say to Kendall, but with the relentless pushing me out and constant hurting and pain that she knows she's putting me through, I am going to release some of those tensions right back onto her.

  I will never harm her, other than words.  I still care for her, despite arguments.  I'm just tired of her hurting me.  Ignoring me.  Replacing me.  Even just for the kids.  Stop turning me into something I'm not.  Stop LYING about me.  I'm none of these lies.  I've never been physically or emotionally abusive to Kendall.  I have NEVER forced her to have sex with me.  I didn't talk down to Kendall unless there was an argument...  and even then, she was doing it to me.  It's just untrue.  I am more than all of that.  I am more of a man than she gives me credit for.  She used to...  now she's living lies.  She's destroying the credibility of a man, who loved her when no one else did.  When no one else was in her life.  I was there... through thick and thin.  And in the end, she ran.

  Can I be happy?  Am I trying?  I think so...  but it's so hard, when all I think about is Kip and my kids.

  Lord, help me.  Please...  help me through this.  Give me patience and understanding.  One day, this will all change and flip again.  This is not forever.  It'll get better.  :)  It has to get better...  it had fucking better.

I'll be better tomorrow.

~John

I... am... growing.

  This year, has been a hell of a challenge for me.  This time last year, I was on my knees in puddles of tears.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function...  but being with the kids pushed me through.  I love them and miss them so dearly.  I realize how much I have grown.  Not necessarily more as a man... but possibly strength and trust.  I honestly, have come to a point in my life where I am afraid to trust any woman.  None are what they seem and what they seem, just isn't none.  And all will claim they are the least craziest.  Telling me, as if I haven't heard the line before.

  I still miss her most days.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I didn't have a thought in my head anymore for her, but still...  I ask myself the questions.  What if, this was all different?  What if life, kept heading for the direction, I believe so much it was destined for me to go to...  I'm by far not much of a grown up...  responsible to a degree and a father in much more of that, but still far from grown.  I'm not perfect and never claimed to be in our relationship...  but, I just don't see these lies people are saying about me.  I don't see it when I replay scenarios in my head of what happened.  Very very few times, I've acted towards Kendall in any sort of aggression.  I can be assured, that she was almost always more aggressive than I was.  That I ever talked down to her, except during an argument, which in lots of cases, people can and do talk down to one another.  I'm not saying that's how I play it or what goes down...  but anyone can be low in an argument.  I'm usually the last, but will if necessary to defend myself.  I never scared her with my aggressive if there was any.  She scared me.  She still does.  Maybe intimidate is a better word.  She's always been smarter than me, and while I consider myself to being a very intelligent man, more than most...  she can still outwit me.

  I think about all the moments in my mind, that I spend with her.  Her smile, sometimes is crystal clear.  My dreams lately, have only flaunted her to me.  Making it sometimes more difficult to ignore everything I feel and just replace it with a well-earned anger that pains me daily.  *sigh*  How can you do this to me?  With all the wrong you've done to me... what the hell have I done to earn you to wrong me even more.  Aside, breaking my heart, lying, cheating, drama and taking my kids away from me, what exactly is it that you're trying to say to me?  I just don't get it anymore.  I haven't been able to trust a single thing you've said or decided.  I'm strong, 24/6...  I'm allowed a day to feel like this.

  I wish I could love you like I did.

~John