Where does the ladder start, when you're at the bottom?

  This whole year has been full of reliving every memory I ever had with Kendall.  Maybe replaying the memories in my mind is the way I find out exactly where shit went wrong.  I think about the New York Trip.  I think about living out of hotels.  I think about the times at Dave's.  I think about everything in between.  I think about the moments with the kids... and I ask myself...  was there a sign?

  I'm not foolish.  I know if there were true signs, I would have known at the time.  I just don't see them.  Still to this day, I have dreams.  Strong and pushy, reminding me that I once loved this woman with everything within me.  And despite the trouble and pain I've endured...  beyond the anger and disappointment...  further than the constant pain and emotional rollercoaster...  that somewhere in my heart, I still love her with everything I am.  It scares me.  It brings me down when I realize it.  It still crushes my soul.  I hate it.  I hate that I never saw this coming and I couldn't do anything to prevent it from destroying my entire life, regardless of her interpretation of what's wrong with me or where I failed.

  I called the kids tonight.  It wasn't the usual smiling faces over the phone who have only come to recognize my voice over the phone, through this 2 month absence.  It was frowns, noticeable with their tones.  They were waiting to get off the phone.  Why?  Family movie night...  While it doesn't bother me, it scares me that the children are growing up, thinking that Will is their father and not me.  Especially considering, she's withholding them from me.

Time doesn't heal. It creates scars.

  It's going on 2 months and I've yet to see the kids.  Being away from them constantly is like ripping out a part of my soul.  Hearing my son, refer to Will as "daddy" makes me want to weep in a way I never would have imagined.  The emotional stress I am forced to go through constantly is enough to make me sick and often does.  It seemed, not so long ago, I was a much different person.  Both good and bad.

  I watched a video from when Kendall and I were basically living out of hotels.  It was Kendall telling the kids to say "I love you daddy" and "Come home soon, daddy".  All 3 answered and got excited.  And hearing those words come out of her mouth, brought about an emotion I haven't felt for some time...  that I was once very loved.  I didn't cry.  I immediately wanted to though... but just can't find the strength to bring about the tears.  I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of it for the first time in my life.  I'm tired of feeling weak.  This just isn't fair as I'm forced to for-go something that no one will ever understand or comprehend.

  I still dream and think about her, though I purposely make myself get mad about this and cannot allow myself to ever be in a position of forgiveness.  Look what's been done to me.  Look at the lies I am forced to fight and the untruths that people believe, that have ended family and friendships.  I know I am not this man, she claims I was... and I know she knows this too.  But these lies, bring those who believe it, close to her.  They make her feel secure in the idea that she's done no wrong, when honestly, she's screwed over 4 lives.  She confused the kids in a way the kids should never be confused.  She's erasing them out of my life and me out of theirs, all for one simple thing...  herself.

  The most selfish act anyone can do.  And to lie and cheat your way to that single belief is all the more disgusting.  Karma comes back around though and when it does, it'll hurt...  and like I used to be there when the hurting was happening, I will not be there this time for her.  I will be there for my children who will need their father, as much as I need them.  I will be there to help straighten their lives out and to reassure them, that their father was a loyal honorable man, whose been pushed to his means and had his emotions stretched and wrapped around my own head, enough to suffocate any normal person.  And still I stand, fighting for what I believe in and being as honest and forthcoming as I have ever been.  They will see on their own...  they will see the lies, without me even having to tell them.  It's just the way the universe works.  They will know I love them, even if I am not able to say it.  They will feel it.

  I haven't hurt Kendall.  Not in any way, shape or form.  Not abusively, not sexually, not emotionally.  I loved her more than any man could love her and I fought as hard as I could, with what I was given.  I did absolutely the best I could and since I've been gone, I've continued to strive and become stronger.  I've proven my intelligence, candid and patience.  I've worked at the same place and provided her with whatever I was asked to provide all for my children.  I've proven, I am not as low as she.  Which is a very hard thing to swallow, after knowing her so well and for so long.  I've proven, I want to be involved in everything about my children, while she strives to strip me of those involvements.  I've proven, what love is... while she simply waves the words in the air, with little or no meaning.  I used to think we were very similar.  Now, I think that she's very different from me.  I could never do this to someone I once loved.  I could never do this to the mother of my children.  I could never do this to anyone...  I just don't have that in me.  And you know what...  I'm overjoyed with that.  She'll do it again and again.  Nothing will ever be stable with her, because it never has been.  I will fight for those I love, while she just gives up.  I have a lot more morality than she does and that is truly what separates us.  Thank God.

  Where she'll end up... I have no idea.  Let-a-lone do I care much anymore.  Where my kids end up, scares me.  Including, especially! Alora.  Who had a daddy and had him taken away.  And against her knowledge will be given to a new daddy, like a prize at the carnival.  It's not fair to her especially and ultimately, she'll suffer the worst.  I wish it were different.  I wish that so much...  but I don't control the reigns anymore.  I have no say.  I have nothing to do with her apparently, other than to do what's best for Alora.  To love her no differently than I have the last 6 years.  She deserves that much from someone who's been more of a father, than she's ever come to know.

  To my kids...  I miss you daily.  I cry sometimes, wishing this life was better or different for you.  I did the best I could and I will never give up on you.  I love you's with all my heart and I will continue to fight and love you, since the days you were born or the day I was blessed with having you plopped on my lap.  You're mother loves you too...  but, I'm positive that she loves herself much more.  I will never give up and that I can promise you.

~John

You are so wrong and you know it.

  So...

  I haven't seen the kids since November.  Kendall told me that I would receive papers and never did, nor was I ever served with any papers telling me I had court.  I think I was lied to, because I definitely would have known by now.

  But that is not what prompts this post.  I could hear my son, call Will daddy.  And it honestly pisses me off.  It really fucking bothers me, when my son isn't seeing his father and his step-father is referred to as daddy.  Like a complete replacement.  I didn't ask for this, nor do I deserve any of this shit and I think I'm getting to the point where I've had enough.  I haven't made many attempts with a lawyer for one reason and one only...  money.  I have none and the little I'll be getting back for tax season is to go to getting a car.  This just isn't easy.  It kills my soul and only makes me hate the person I used to love with all my heart.  She's doing this and knows exactly what she's doing.  Man does it irk me.  I need to come up with some sort of battleplan and I need to see it through, before I am erased completely from their lives.  I can feel her making those plans.  I really can and there's no way I'm going to allow it.  I don't care how much she tries to normalize the situation.  I won't allow this.

  She's encouraging the "daddy" and I know it now.

  I have no idea where to start...  fuck.

~John