So much to do, so little time.

Where to begin. I am using a new app from my phone that allows me to post from my phone. A lot has happened lately. Ive been dating though its been a little hard to change my heart. Overall I just see it as a good thing that I have been getting out more and trying new things. I met a woman named Catherine. Shes pretty cool. Intelligent and unique in a lot of new refreshing ways. I like her a lot, but have been taking my time. Shes moving to LA in a month or so, so Im afraid to get invested into her.

So far we've gone to a Burlesque show, a womans roller derby and a few other places in which we've had a lot of fun with. Shes got 2 adorable kids. Max and Audrey. I have yet to meet them, but all in due time I guess. Ive been speading a good amount of time with Catherine. We've seen each other almost every weekend for coming on... The 3rd week. We've kissed goodnight, but really no further than that. Personally, Im just not pushing it. If it happens, it'll happen. :)

Kendall apparently got married. Her friends told me. At first it didnt bother me... But the next morning when I actually had time to think about it... It caused me to break down. I cried for about 45 minutes on and off throughout the day. I just couldnt believe it. I was replaced fairly quickly... But this fast? I just dont get it. How could she ever claim that she loved me . It hurt. It really hurt. I mean, Im okay that she wants to be happy... But this was just plain insulting.

My life feels like she was almost never part of it. It saddens me to feel that way, when I was proud to love her and honored that she loved me. I stood by her side, watched her give birth to my kids... Everything. And now, I am to go on pretending that she was not important to me at all. Id be lying to myself. Ive also been seeing the kids, less and less. That hurts even more. I need them in my life. Like I need water on a hot day. Like I need air. I miss them.

I want to fight and take this to court. But I feel Im losing touch with who I am, in doing so. Im not that kind of man. But I also feel like shes hurting me on purpose. Shes taking the kids from me more and more. I just feel so much like I need to fight back. *sigh*. I wish I could wake up from this dream. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare.

Gnight.
~John

Breaking the streak...

  Well...  there's been something wrong with me.  I know this is a little more than I even need to explain, but I must.  Let me explain.  Ever since Kendall, I haven't had sex with anyone else.  At first, it was a moral choice.  I felt like despite the fact that we were over... it still felt like cheating.  I had been with this woman for the last 5 years and never once felt something for someone else.  I had a brief feeling for Tracy, but just that childish puppy love I had years ago.  I have fooled around.  Don't confuse that.  I am however, only human...  but full sex, I could not do.  I'm not sure why.  If fact, I should go as far as saying I wasn't aroused by anyone else other than my ex.  She was everything I wanted and thought I would need out of a woman.  Trying new women, just hasn't been completely done it for me.  Seriously.  It's been 7 months and 18 days, since I've been with Kendall.  I miss it to be honest... but doubt VERY much, after having whatever go on now.  And not like there weren't men before me...  It's just disrespectful.  She lost me.  And that ability too.

  Anyways...  like I was saying.  I dropped my streak.  With Catherine last night and earlier today.  Last night, I was too tired to really keep myself aroused.  This morning I couldn't concentrate and was embarrassed for the second time about my malfunctioning penis.  Any girl prior, I've had to go through extensive measures to get myself to the point of "Bang".  I tried a 3rd time, hoping that I would go.  It was the first time in a long time since I had SEX sex with anyone.  Hard to keep it hard.  Personally, I think it was more psychological than anything else.  I do feel better...  much.  But, still dealing with what's in my brain.  I guess it'll get easier.  I used to think, that it had a lot to do with Kendall and loving her...  but it's been long enough and I need to get back to trying to have a simple relationship with a woman.