Can't sleep... clowns will eat me.

  I'm laying here in bed, my mind racing a million miles a minute.  So give me a second to catch you up to speed.  It's been an exhausting day and still...  I can't sleep.

  The kids are probably almost in Seattle.  I could break down and cry...  I want to...  but what good would it do.  Honestly, people would just continue to see me as weak, as I've shown that throughout most of this situation.  I'm weak in the fact, I have no family.  My kids are 4,000 miles away and the person I loved with all my heart, I am slowly starting to hate.  Hate from hurt, pain, intention, ignorance, lying, selfishness.  There's nothing left of what I once was, other than photos.  I want to wrap my arms around them.  Sing them to sleep.  Dance them to bed.  And I can't because she lied, cheated and stole my life away from me.  Someone I trusted everything, included my heart...  took everything.  I see her in pictures and sob in the worst way.  The night I proposed, I remember crystal clear...  I still can't bare to look at those pictures anymore.  I would feel so empty, if I didn't feel so alive from the tears.

  Something as little as talking to them on the phone, is an excuse.  It's a lie.  It's something to lead me along, while she furthers her actions to keep the kids from me as much as possible.  I tried to call...  but am told that they are driving and therefore cannot talk on the phone.  A bullshit reason, knowing full well, they are capable...  We've done it before on long trips.

  I'm talking to Lori again... with no more effort than is required, thanks to the agreement in court which was the only condition to them moving to Seattle.  She can move if I can have a relationship with Alora.... whom I've raised and see as my daughter.  I sacrificed, just for her.  Kendall didn't like it... but her want to move, was much more important than trying to withhold me from talking to Alora.  It took some time for Lori to warm up, but eventually starting coming around.  Took a few calls.  I still have no real reason as to why we stopped.  I really don't believe there is a real reason.  I believe she was lied to, just as I was.

  It's true...  I never traveled and demanded.  I never got the police involved.  I never got a lawyer.  I never fought...

  I never wanted to fight.  Not against someone I loved, who demanded me to put up my fist and fight her for something that should be natural.  Something that should be blood, love and caring.  A mutual respect...  which was anything but.  Kendall openly took everything away from me.  She openly lied.  She openly destroyed my life.  Gave me little chance for memories or to be a father.  To correct and raise my children, other than in the beginning.  She changed my entire perspective of her.  Even in my posts, am I still amorous about her.  I was still in love with her and everything she ever was.  At least, the person I knew when we were family...  I believed her to be intelligent and admired everything about her... for a long time.  I fell in love with her many times throughout our relationship.  A newfound love.  NYC was a time, I loved her the most.  An amazing weekend... and still she hasn't looked as beautiful, sexy and amazing as she did on those nights when we spent time in the most amazing city in the world.  It was 8 months after NYC and she was gone.

  It's taken time to come around and realize, exactly the kind of woman she is.  How quickly everything in my life changed and I was made to feel the problem... when the problem was pretty straight forward.  She cheated.  She lied.  She was talking to Will before we ended.  She was sending videos to Will.  (Personal Videos)  Before we ended...  if anything, finding out about that going on is eventually what ended it.  Learning of their secret affair behind my back, while I raised the children.  Secretly meeting...  asking me for a 3some with her, before it was over.

  She's the one who was completely wrong...  and I still lost.  Alone...  with nothing, but me.

  What the court has set for me.
  What I am "allowed".
 
  I can't get these words out of my head...
  You're just a sperm donor.
  It's all your fault.
  If I could put you on the kids birth certificates, I would.  But I know John would take it to court.
  You're more of a father than John ever was.
 
  How does someone who loved you, talk this way about you when you are gone...?
  I couldn't do it.  I haven't done it.  I just don't say it.  I don't tell the world your secrets and talk shit behind your back.  I don't plan how to fuck up your life.  The only life you get.  I actually cared.  I actually loved...  to the point it took almost 2 years, just to get you off my mind and the tears out of my eyes.  That was long enough for you to get pregnant with another mans baby, married and run away with my kids.  To erase me.

  I fought a lot this past year.  I fought a lot internally.  I fought the feelings of despair.  I fought the ideas of loving you anymore.  I fought them every day as I remembered everything I loved about you for the last 650 days.  You alone destroyed my whole life.  You took it all...  and now I can't sleep.

  In 3 1/2 hours, I leave to goto a cabin for the weekend.  I'm going with Amanda (the girl you were so insecure over) her boyfriend Mike, Nathan and Jason.  I will think about you when I don't want to.  I will dream about you and awake, used to you not being here.  I will toss and turn...  I will go on another damn day.  Trying to make myself mad, instead of sad.  Trying to lift my soul, which feels like I am dragging a wounded body through mud.  I will imagine you with me.  It will fade.

I will live...
Right?


Alora.  I am so excited that you are back in my life...  I won't take advantage of a moment of it.  I am not your dad by blood.  But, I wish I was... and I wish he could have known just how amazing you've truly turned out to be.  If you ever want to know...  just ask.  Kylie...  you mean the absolute world to me.  You're my little monkey.  You've got a lot of dad in you.  You're silliness, your adventure, your curiosity.  I cannot wait until I can see you again and hug you with all my might.  Johnathan...  I never wanted to call you that.  But, now I wouldn't have it any other way.  You are my son and I love you with all of my heart.  I am not a perfect man, but strong in the heart, honest and intelligent.  I want to guide you through life to being a better man one day.  There's no one else in your life who will teach you that.  I've been through your lives every step of the way.  You are the reasons I wake up every morning...  to get one day closer to seeing yous and being your father, daddy, dad...  I would never do yous wrong... and I would never do your mother wrong.  But if in the future...  we're not getting along...  you know my perspective and why.  We don't lie to those we love.  We are honest, accept the changes or consequences of our actions and face the truth.  Lying hurts those you love most.

~John

Goodbye my love.

There are few moments that come by, where I am able to get clarity.  I somehow, end up taking a deep breathe, while counting to ten, when answers of the universe collide with my brain.  Or... I just realize. 

There are questions I will never have answered.  There will still be nights where I tear up when I think about you.  There will be regrets.  Perhaps I didn't do enough to keep you with me.  It will scar.  It will hurt.  My appearance has changed much since the beginning of this.  I don't blame anyone, but a different path I really didn't want to take.  I've gained weight.  Almost 50 lbs.  I am not happy about it and actually going to a gym and exercising daily to work it off.  I am doing the best I can, to change the things in my life around.  To gain some control and not let this situation destroy my integrity.  To keep missing someone, who is gone.  It will happen.

Now, I need to let some out.  I miss you.  I miss you more than words can say.  I'm so confused on why you've treated me this way.  I fight the truth, hoping your still right there.  I dream of you, but living you was like a dream.  A dream I wish I could have a thousand times more.  You were my friend.  You were my lover.  You were my fiance.  And I was yours.  But, I know it'll be a long time before I see it.  You were absolutely the world to me.

Now... I have to get over you.