It's only been recent, that I've been able to look beyond and see the real you.
There's nothing I can do about it, nor do I really give a shit anymore. So why am I typing still? Because the regret builds and this is a constructive way to let it out. Express how I feel and what I think. A few times, I thought I had come to this before... usually when you would do something inconceivable. Something, I never would have imagined would come out of you. Despite how many times you had assured me, regardless of our relationship... I was the kids dad. You'd never take that away. It didn't take long for all of that to change. Obviously justified, as you made up excuse after excuse to being an influential part of our childrens' lives. Even the most fair thing, you took. My time with them.
It's never been out of your mind that I don't love my kids. Sure, maybe now you claim that this was part of me, all along... but you were relentless and it never ended. It was only a matter of time, before I gave up. I'm not indestructible. It only managed to make me cry more, each night that you would pull another stunt to take me out of their lives. I was a great dad and while you may not admit it, you know it's true. I miss it more than you could ever imagine. But, I don't want anything to do with you anymore. It makes me sick to think about you. It makes me sick to even think that I loved you so much, I couldn't bare to watch you leave... and I lost myself in the process of grief. I said it before... it's like you died. And if we were together and god forbid something ever happened to you, this is how I would be. It was something I ever dreaded thinking about. I was scared to imagine, not having you in my life. And just like most fears in peoples lives... there's a time that there's a proverbial snake in the room and you're frozen with fear.
Unlike a fear of heights, creepy animals or even something completely unexplainable like riding a bus alone or elevator... being abandoned and having the ones you love the most, taken away from you is far worse than I would ever wish on someone else. It literally wears down your soul and is a reason, I haven't yet been in another relationship... told someone I loved them... or even thought about anything else in life, but the inconceivable loss.
Do you know that I haven't spent a single Christmas with my kids since you cheated? It's been 3 years and I'm missing the Santa parts of their lives. My son and daughter are growing up, knowing another daddy, even before their daddy left. I mean... seriously... what the fuck...?
More than anything... I'm realizing that I absolutely meant nothing to you. I'm worse than any person you've ever come across in your life. Above your sister that would try to steal your boyfriends and deny us a home, when we had none... above your aunt and grandmother who created a world of bullshit, pain and untrust by the people we should trust the most. By your dad, who managed to be a complete asshole your whole life. Lie to you and keep you from your mother, much like you're doing to me and my children. Ohh wait... there's Skype, right...? Ohh yeah, you've allowed me be in their lives. (bullshit) There's a long line of people who've used and abused you over the years... and still... despite all your bullshit that I put up with over the years. You wanting to fuck a dog, hitting me, threatening my life with a pair of scissors, lying and deceiving me about a hidden relationship... you treat me the worse. It's so easy for you to just pretend that I meant nothing to you at all. That I for 6 years, was a fluke, a fable, a false sense of love, emotion and passion that wasn't real. I never was your soul-mate. And now I finally regret you. I regret ever falling in love with you. For choosing you as the person I wanted to spend my life with. I regret that my children call you mommy, because if they knew what kind of person you were... they'd resent you as much as you resent you dad. They'd know that it wasn't about fairness, trying to do the right thing, or even to make the parenting work between 2 people who weren't in a relationship anymore. They'd know that you were a liar, selfish and used them to hurt the person who loved the 4 of you more than anything else in the world.
Stay out of my life. Don't ever let me see your face again. If my children do one day see me... ensure that I never need to see you again. I don't want a single word to ever come out of your mouth to me. Pretend literally, that I am the nothing you paint me to be. Pretend that I'm that drug using, wife bashing, lazy asshole that got you pregnant and watched you do all the work. Instead of being the loving, caring, listening father to 3 children who read them stories every night and sang them to sleep. Who rocked them when they had bad dreams, changed thousands of diapers and was more of a father than most of the friends we had... even when blood-relation wasn't part of the equation. Instead of being the stay-home dad and recreational pot-smoker I was. That I never lifted a finger in anger towards you and did everything I could to be your soul-mate. It certainly is; The Sweetest Lie. And since it's so popular, you should just keep telling people the horrible man I was. The horrible father I was. Please... give me more reason to just keep you away from me. It started with my family and keeping them and their caustic nature away from me. Now it's time to cut my ties with you.
Just keep doing what you're doing and I'll be just fine. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to the pictures and videos. Goodbye to the memories and to the dreams. I don't need them anymore. I don't need anything anymore.
