This past month has seriously crippled my soul. I am down further inside myself than I ever imagined I could be. It's a few little things and one big thing. I guess I should start somewhere in the beginning.
A month ago, I had the kids. For all Thanksgiving weekend. Johnathan's haircut and birthday party, which wasn't the best... but still a great night. Beth came over and spent some time with us. It felt really nice.
About a week and a half goes by. I get a new phone and new number. I contact Kendall with the new number so that she is not confused about it, when I call to talk to the kids or text her about what's going on with the kids. I have been calling the kids almost every single night for a year, when they are not with me. There are few times when I didn't talk to them. Once in a blue moon, it would be because of me. Which I can account 1 date in July when I wasn't able to answer... and a few times later, when changing phone carriers. All the rest of the missed calls were Kendall. Which is usually once a week. And it depends on what she's doing in her life and whatever other plans she has going on. Half of the time I don't get a call, I don't get any warning. No message... no consideration. Just ignored. It's the first week of Decemeber still. I call. 3 nights, all around 5:30 to 6:30. I leave a message and no return. I'm starting to worry and Beth is asking me to ask Kendall when I am getting the kids. Believe it or not, I had a lot of big plans, set for my weekends. I always do. Camping, swimming, popcorn and scary movies and glowstick rave. I always plan something exciting for the kids and I spend ALL my time with them. My mom has offered to watch them a few times so I could go out and see friends, but honestly, I would have rather spent my time with my kids. I lay with them and just enjoy the time, I've been denied all of this year. I don't want to miss a second.
I ask Kendall about seeing the kids the upcoming weekend. "Am I going to have the kids this weekend?" I got a reply that basically said, that plans were made. I can understand the time constraint and even being around Christmas, things got busy. Might not have had another day to plan this... but, shouldn't I know that in advanced, when this "visition" isn't going to accure on the typical schedule we'd been adhearing to? I got upset. While she might have had plans, so did I. I didn't think I'd have Lori for her birthday, so I told her that my present was to take them all to the movies. Including Beth's daughters. Just because I wanted to spend more time with her and the kids to get to know one another better. I heard some of the things the kids were saying... but it wasn't a situation I wasn't aware of until later. (refering to the girls as "sisters".) (If anything, I felt rushed in having to admit some sort of idea like that once I was told. Neither good or bad...) I had a nice talk with the kids, asking what they thought of Beth both girls, since their opinions mattered. Anyway, getting off track.... I pushed the bar. I got very upset over being ignored and un-notified about anything going on in the kids lives. Things were good in the beginning. All grass roots. Innocent, 2 adults trying to raise their children. At least that's what I thought in the beginning. And then little things started popping through, like the "daddy" thing. God that irks me. Just out of simple respect alone...! The lies about abuse, kill my soul when I know nothing like that ever accured and things are being embelished or not talk. And now this. It just never seems to end. The constant barage of shit I get from this. First, it was my love. Then my home, not once... but twice. Less time with my children, than I ever imagined as a father. (I realize that this shit has just been building.) Humiliation, heartache and constant tourture from someone I loved and trusted. This incredible emptiness that I feel. Friends leaving and choosing sides, which I haven't asked a single one of mine to choose. And the only time I even get a happy glimpse into my life is when I spend my time with my kids. And now there's now. It pushed and pushed and now I am, exactly where I don't want to be.
The constant, cryptic formular that I'm somehow supposed to follow in order to live happy. I'm backed into a corner. I told her I am getting a lawyer. This isn't fair to me. It hasn't been fair since they moved to NJ. It's been just enough for them to look like it's making an attempt. Sincere, but unforgiving of time or inconvience. It's always on her time. She's asks what time to get here, but it's mainly steering my words into something convient. I know. I didn't see the kids for those 2 weeks. I missed Alora's birthday. It bothered me, that I was forced into missing her 2nd in 6 years. I still called as usual and sang "happy birthday".
Christmas was just a few days ago. I didn't see the kids for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or the day after. It was the worst holiday I have ever had. I talked to Lori the night before. I asked her what her plans were... She said "Have breakfast, Open presents and come to your house." Was this an answer? After 2 weeks of asking and 1 day of begging to give me an answer. I thought maybe this was the answer. I got excited and ran out with mom to do some last minute shopping. I went right home, unpacked the entire car and ran inside. Exhausted from work, running around all night and getting home late, I was exhausted. I was excited. I couldn't wait to see the kids.
Christmas comes and goes. My question "Lori says they are coming over today? What time? My answer? "Lori was mistaken." I called and tried to talk to Kendall and gain reasoning behind not seeing my kids on Christmas Day. I still had no answer for what's going on. When she wouldn't answer, I talked to the kids about Christmas. I listened carefully to what all 3 children did. I could only remember past Christmas's and smile at that. I thought about going by car to see them, but didn't trust what would happen if I went. This degree of withholding, meant that they would call the police or not let me see my kids anyway. It would become drama and I don't want it. I reminded her that we have had an agreement for a year almost about Christmas and honesly, I think I was more than forgiving up to Christmas morning. Even not after having the kids for a month. I could have had them 1 day and been happy. I wanted them 5. But, 1 would have been better than none. I held it in. I couldn't cry. For the first time, I couldn't even well up the tears. I can't think straight, but I can control me. I just cannot believe this year. I really cannot comprehend, what the last 365 days has served to me. Did this just happen in my life. How the hell do I get through it. I feel so alone, even with some of my supportive friends.
Christmas Day goes slow. My brother tries lifting my spirits, but I know he's trying and I'm not really falling for it. I was replaced with Roy anyway, within a matter of minutes. I sit around and watch my phone all day, just trying to take my mind off it. Angry Video Game Nerd, takes the pain away. Gives my mind something to think about where I can laugh a little. I stare at the presents in the room and just remember where I was a year ago. Around 4 of my favorite people. And while my mom and dad are oddly fun and annoying at the same time... I don't feel like I'm at home. I feel like a constant guest. I try to goto sleep, which is difficult with cigarette smoke and TV constantly in a household full of smokers. I wake up, not even remembering a dream. I pick up my phone almost immediately and ask Kendall when I will see them. Then I am informed that "we" put in a petition for custody. We, not including me. I am told that it is their lawyers advice to withhold the children until the hearing/mediation/trial... whatever it'll be. I have no idea how long this will take, but it's basically confirmed that I will not be spending the Christmas week/end holiday with them and I just cannot believe it. I started crying at work. I walked into the bathroom for a good amount of time, just to catch my composure. This nightmare, just continues.
I talked to a lawyer about 2 weeks ago when this all began, but only asked simple questions like: what are my rights? Explaining a little of the situation and see what can be done to stop this behavior. Being taught to call Will daddy. Having time taken away. Not being informed information like new doctors. And if I even got into the things I've read... jesus. I wanted to be prepared if I am being taken out of my kids lives against my will. I find out that papers were sent (which haven't arrived... not by mail nor by server. Is that the right word? I won't be able to see the children until court takes place. Kendall, will more than likely pay for the lawyer with the money from the tax return. Putting me at a disadvantage. I either have to find an actual cheap lawyer or probono. Or, of course being as intelligent as I am, can represent myself. And while, I think I'm intelligent enough to actually do it... I'd rather leave that up to a lawyer and increase my chances. It goes through my mind a million times a day. "My children?". God what a mess.
I know if I can stick with this, all will end up okay. I want to be their father. I never wanted to stop. A rough passage through our hell, became an alone passage of my hell. I haven't been able to spit anything out and while I sometimes spout off on Facebook... it's mainly because it's boiling over. I try to keep it down to a minimum. Sometimes, I put it up for just perspective and advise. But mostly, because I'm not fake. I'm not going to fake what's going on in my life. Maybe it's only my perspective... and I'm wrong? But, I don't feel like I am. I feel a lot is provoked. Pushed and swayed. Everytime its something new. It just never seems to end. I'm sure I bring some of it onto myself. It's just other things don't make sense. It's harsh and painful every day.
This weekend is New Years Eve. My last New Years Eve, was great. It was NY Day that fucking sucked. Finding out what Kendall had done and having little to no trust in her after finding out. God, that day ruined my life. I knew it was falling apart as soon as I heard it and it followed me until the 9th. The end.
I need to walk away into 2012 with this amazing feeling. I don't know how. At first, I thought New York City. I thought who I wanted to take... Beth. I asked. ... ...Anyways. I think I am going to a party instead.
I've spent the night at Tom's the last few nights. And most of last week. He's odd but, a good friend to have around. I'd be falling to peices if I didn't have a friend like him.
The kids saw my parents today and stopped over the house. They got pictures and had a good time with the kids there. Kendall went, all 3 of my kids, her new son and Will. All to my parents. Wow. I didn't go. I can't go. For exactly what reason why, I am still baffled on. They opened the gifts I bought them and loved them according to my mom. (But, aren't moms supposed to make their sons feel better anyway?) They spent time with their family and in the long run, that is what is most important to me. It hurt me every second to not think that I could just go over and see them. See their smiles open the gifts I bought for them. I still can't fucking believe it. How is this fair or even legal?
... fuck.
~John
