For the past few weeks, I have wanted to start an online blog. A place to get out my thoughts and feelings; and to get perspective on my life, looking back onto the past.
Over the years, within everything I have done... I've always written in journals. Some were when I was a kid. Some were in the Army. And some through the roughest situations in my life. Perhaps it's how I am able to cope with the changing world around me. I used to be a strong independent man, but became dependent of Kendall. Kendall is now my ex. A thought that makes me want to cry as each passing day. We've been engaged for years, but never took the leap. Life complicated things at almost any angle and recently within the past 6 months, it's what has crippled our relationship to almost nothing. Arguing and fighting, butting heads and time spent apart. We both were miserable. I didn't agree on this... and while I've realized over the past few weeks where I messed up in our relationship; it's really about the new man in Kendall's life.
Will.
In the most honest sense, he rescued Kendall from me. He'll give her happiness one day and it kills me that it's not me, who gets to do that anymore. I miss her. But more in the sense of missing everything that she did in my life. I miss her scent, her yelling, the smiles we'd give one another... and days where we were truly happy. I didn't do my part, as well as she did hers. But, I truly believed love would save the day. It would keep us connected, until the day I grow up. (Whenever the hell that is)
She was my world. Consumed by everything Kendall did and gave to me, including my 3 beautiful children. She gave me a rock, to rest on and a companion, when she was exhausted. I did my best to not take her for granted, but she spoiled the love into me.
Now, we share the most important thing in our life. Our children.
Johnathan - 14 months
Kylie - 3 1/2
Alora - 5
The last 3 years of our relationship, I became the stay-home father. I sucked at first. Slept in, missed meals and did a crappy job at keeping things clean. It was a job, I had never done before but was confident that I could take on the task. Recently, it's been a turn about in our life. I've changed much as a man... and also as a father. I love my children. As much as any mother, who's grown a bond with their children. I want to continue to raise them to the best of my ability and still grow as a man myself.
Kendall... well... I love her. What's to deny or lie about. Will is a threat to me, of course. I don't need to say it for any man in my position to understand it. He will be involved with my children, having sex with my ex and taking my place, in the family position. Personally, I'm alone. Making it more difficult to deal with. I wasn't ready to quit or give up. My perspective since I was little, is that families need to stick together. Get through problems and issues as ONE. Not break off, because the world got hard and you fell for someone else. It's painful to be without her... to know that I will never hear those words "I Love You" out of her mouth again. I messed up and this is my punishment.
Yes... I count my blessings. I have 3 wonderful children and decent health. I'm still somewhat young and still able to get ladies. But, when you don't want anyone else in your life, what do you do? I told myself, Kendall was it. I pretty much meant it. I could go out, but I am not going to find anyone more compelling or special as Kendall was to me. I was myself around her and more comfortable with her than any other person in my life... and she knows me, almost better than I know myself. Plus, despite our many troubles, Kendall and I had a wonderful life. We had children together. Went on trips. What else is there to say?
So far, 2011, sucks. I hope the rest of the year gets better.
~John
